Rough Draft, Looking for help

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Rough Draft, Looking for help

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:00 pm

I know there's some spots to be either expanded on or corrected, but I'm kind of looking to see if I'm headed down the right path, or hurting myself.

Most people remember January 20, 2009 as the day Barack Obama was inaugurated as President of the United States. I remember the date for a very different reason, as it was the last time my father spoke to me. He was calling to let me know that he was being deployed to Afghanistan, and although the war did not claim his life, it did take my father away, as the resultant change in his personality caused him to cut ties with his entire family, myself included.

About 6 months after his deployment, I noticed pictures in my facebook feed from a member of my step-mom's family showing that he was safely home from Afghanistan. Still, my phone calls and e-mails to him were continually ignored. After 6 months of a repeated attempts to contact him,
I finally reached my step-mother at work, who told me he did not wish to speak to me. Throughout this process, I felt hurt and betrayed by a man who had always been there for me. My grades suffered as I struggled to understand my father's abandonment.

Early in 2011, I learned that my grandmother was terminally ill. As her health quickly deteriorated, my grades dropped lower yet, and I finally sought help in the form of counseling. My sessions initially focused on the grief of losing such an important person in my life, but eventually turned to the feelings of emptiness brought on by my father's actions, and how that emptiness had consumed my actions. My counselor game me strategies that let me consider my actions instead of my emotions. I started thinking of each decision I made as part of a bigger picture of who I could become. When given the choice between wasting my time on the internet and studying, I began to choose to study. I got up for class instead of hitting the snooze button. I went to the gym rather than play video games. Each seemingly minor decision became a question of what I wanted in my life, and how my choice would affect my ability to obtain it.

These changes in my perspective not only allowed me to overcome my depression, but to excel in all facets of my life. By understanding the importance of each individual decision, I found myself making better choices. As a result, I was able to maintain a 3.72 GPA over my final four semesters of college, while working 30 hours a week and preparing for the LSAT. Through exercise and healthy food choices, I got into better shape, propelling me even further. Evaluating each choice I made as parts to a whole profoundly influenced my ability to succeed.

Although I have no way of getting back the two years of my life I spent trying to cope with my losses, I can at least take solace in the fact that my experience made me a more focused individual, and that I have the rest of my life to make up for my mistakes. I know now that my father's abandonment does not dictate my worth, and I have the power to determine what I can do with my life, one decision at a time. It is this focus that will allow me to succeed not only in law school, but with all endeavors I undertake in my life.

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Re: Rough Draft, Looking for help

Postby astrodoggy » Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:45 pm

Yeah, this needs work.
This almost reads like a grade addendum to me. I feel like I don't get to learn much about you as a person. What are you passionate about in life, what makes you tick? That's great that you achieved a high GPA, but where do your actual intellectual curiosities lie? How are you impacting your world and those around you? Those might be some questions to think about.


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Re: Rough Draft, Looking for help

Postby elliephant » Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:18 pm

Revise intro. No need to mention Obama's inauguration if that even doesn't tie in. Also, it is a too wordy without conveying much action or even emotion. It is not immediately clear how you overcame abandonment issues.

Maybe start with the abandonment, then how you struggle with your sense of self-worth, then the steps you took towards changing your opinion of yourself and what you learned from the experience (i.e. seeking counseling, healthier coping mechanisms.)
You had two paragraphs there that basically said the same thing. Condense.
Say something about how you realized others couldn't help you unless you were willing to help yourself. Also what steps are you planning to take in the future? How are you being proactive? Do you want to help others overcome depression or mental illness? Your conclusion is decent but can be improved.

If you are going to delve into a depressing topic, make sure you give the readers a real light at the end of the tunnel.

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