PS Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Aroldis105
Posts: 210
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:38 am

PS Critique

Postby Aroldis105 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:23 am

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Last edited by Aroldis105 on Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

doing_it_in_a_car
Posts: 147
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby doing_it_in_a_car » Fri Feb 01, 2013 2:12 pm

Without addressing any grammatical errors, of which there are quite a few, here's how your PS reads to me:

I went to a poor country.
I felt sorry for the poor people there.
I realized there is severe inequality.
I no longer want to go to medical school because I originally only wanted to go for the money and prestige.
I want to go to law school because I want to serve other people.
I am different from other applicants because I have had unique life experiences.
Essentially: "I spent a few weeks in a developing country and saw some poor people and now I want to help the world but don't have any particular ideas".

Some questions that came to my mind as I read it. Do you think that other applicants aren't driven by their life experiences and their potential to improve the lives of others? Does that really make you stand out? Why wouldn't medical school help you "serve those who need it most"? Does it matter that some locals see Mt. Rumpke as a detriment to property values?

You spend a whole paragraph in the beginning going into great detail about poverty, but you don't build on that and discuss how you would fight poverty as a lawyer. Would you provide cheap legal services to those who can't afford it? Do you know what kind of legal services they would need? Have you thought about how, in particular, your legal skills would help those poor boys?

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dnptan
Posts: 354
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:33 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby dnptan » Fri Feb 01, 2013 2:58 pm

I agree with the above poster, it seems a bit flat. Your transition needs work, and I think you should downplay the arrogance especially with the "My grades will get me into law school". This statement shows two things: 1) you are over-confident and 2) you think it's all about numbers (even if it is, the schools don't want to see it that way).

Second, as nice as this statement is: "Many people call study abroad an eye-opening experience. It gave me tunnel vision." I felt that the support was very weak. Like the above poster, your desire to go to med school does nothing but show a flaw in your character (which isn't bad per se, but you didn't seem to have "grown" from it). And then, you jump to using the law to help others. This is an issue because your drive to get a JD is founded upon "to serve those who need it most". An american JD does nothing for people in Honduras. You can't do anything outside the borders of the country you received your JD in, unless you get accredited in that foreign nation. I'm not sure about Honduras, but the Philippines requires citizenship to practice law. If that's the case for Honduras your personal statement is an auto-ding.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby sparty99 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 3:09 pm

I wasn't impressed. A law degree will do little to help people in another country. Makes me think you don't really understand what an attorney does.

Poor transitions. Poor grammar. Hard to read.

Sweetlady75
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 7:25 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby Sweetlady75 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 3:17 pm

I think you need to focus alittle more on why you would like to go to law school. I like that you have discussed your experience studying abroad, but you dont need to discuss it in 2 paragraphs, also you need to connect how this experience led you to want to become an attorney.




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