Can someone look over my personal statemet and let me know

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 1:56 pm

Can someone look over my personal statemet and let me know

Postby Dhvanil » Tue Jan 15, 2013 7:32 pm

LSAT: 165
GPA: 3.79
Applying to Alabama

Growing up in India, the idea was instilled in me that junior year in high school was important because that was the year people chose their professions. I carried these cultural ideas with me when I came to the United States at the age of seven. At the age of 15, I faced a big cultural clash when we had to decide electives at Hoover High School. I had to choose between Law Academy, Mathletes, or Science Olympiad. For most of my peers, this decision was petty and had no meaning, but that was not the case for me. I viewed this as a time for me to decide my future, and this decision became complicated by my dad influencing me to join the Mathletes Team because he loved math, my sister encouraging me to join Science Olympiad because of her science background, and lastly, my personal interest to join Law Academy because I wanted to participate in the annual mock trial competition at my high school.

It was really hard to decide because I had to meet so many expectations, but I am glad I choose Law Academy. Ms. King, my Law Academy instructor, told me a month into the program that I would be the new team captain of the Mock Trial team. This was a very big achievement for me because it felt like I was doing what I was made to do. During the course of junior year in Mock Trial, I gained so much knowledge about the legal industry, and as I learned what ingredients composed a great attorney, I began daydreaming about my future. That was when I knew that I would be able to do this for the rest of my life. Throughout that year, we enacted various scenarios of a case about a company being sued for a product that harmed a child, and I portrayed a defense attorney directing a witness who played the CEO. Hoover High School placed third that year in the annual YMCA Mock Trial Competition in southern Alabama, and I was appointed the title of team captain by my Law Academy instructor at the end of that tournament. This encouraged me to lead my team to the first place position the next year. My senior year—under my leadership—we did indeed rank first and I received the award for the best team on behalf of my teammates as well as my personal trophy for the best attorney.

In the fall, I began freshman year at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I could not wait to join the nationally recognized mock trial team because of my high school success, and I joined in September, eagerly waiting to start a new case. I walked in and discovered that I would have a role immediately because of the lack of people in the program at that time. I entered the team in a witness role my first year on the team and based on my performance and leadership skills exhibited, I moved up to the position of team captain of one of the two teams—the Gold Team—the following year. During that year, Gold Team placed ninth of the twenty-four schools in the regional tournament. Unfortunately, we could not advance to the AMTA Opening Round Championship Series with that rank. One of my goals for this year is help both UAB Mock Trial teams reach the national championship and come back with trophies for both teams.

The most valuable lesson that my five years in Mock Trial has taught me is that my dream of becoming an attorney will become a reality no matter what it takes to achieve that goal. It taught me to assert my independence, to problem solve, and believe in my abilities. I found the voice necessary to be an effective leader in a stressful and challenging group environment. No longer fearing changes, challenges, or bumps in the road, I instead face them head on.
The legal profession is where I want to create a living, and it is this passion that will push me to attaining this goal. It is this passion that will drive me to be the youngest lawyer to step into a firm and win hearts of my peers, judges and clients. It is this passion to one day go home to my family in India, and be able to say that the name Zaveri will have a legacy. A legacy that people will remember forever.

Thank you

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Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Can someone look over my personal statemet and let me know

Postby eerie_erie » Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:47 pm

I would have liked to hear you expand more about the ideas in the last two paragraphs. Personally, I favor personal statements that start out with a general theme and then use one or two compelling examples to illustrate that theme. It seems like your statement is written out chronologically, which means most of the details are largely irrelevant to helping the admissions officer understand why you would succeed in the legal profession and contribute positively to the law school community.

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Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: Can someone look over my personal statemet and let me know

Postby cgw » Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:05 am

I would shy away from focusing so much on your high school experience. I understand it was significant for you, but it kind of implies your experiences in college have been less so. It also feels a little bit like you took your UG PS and tacked on a new ending. I would focus more on your college experience with mock trial. How are you going to reach the national championship? What kind of leader are you? Have you implemented any changes? You write you have learned to be an effective leader in stressful and challenging environments, what is a challenge you have overcome and how did you resolve it?

Beyond those content suggestions, it reads well. Good luck!

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