Intro too specific?

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rvadog
Posts: 71
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:12 pm

Intro too specific?

Postby rvadog » Sat Jan 12, 2013 10:26 am

I like my first couple of paragraphs. It highlights my work expierience, leadership and is interesting. But is it too specific a story to allow a smooth transition to what the rest of my PS should cover?



I watched as the last member of my team stepped from the ship’s ladder to the deck of the 45 foot response boat bobbing alongside. It was about 5am and the water was unusually rough for April, even for the North Atlantic. I had already worked with my team Chief to have the 800 foot container ship moved closer to shore in an attempt to mitigate some of the risk that comes with embarking a vessel in six foot seas. The Duncan Island had just finished a circular journey that takes her from New York City to some of the least secure ports in the world and then back to the New York. It was my job to lead the 5 Coastguardsmen that were already safe on board the small boat in a search of the vessel before it reenters U.S. waters.

I as I stood on the last step of the Island’s ladder I looked up and made eye contact with the Chief Officer. Boarding Officer’s do this for two reasons; I was cementing the relationship I had worked to build over the last 45 minutes on the boat and I was ensuring continued compliance with our directions. The chief waved and I waved back. What happened in the next couple of seconds is a blur. I waited for a swell and stepped on to the small boat, as I did that the small boat came down from the swell and before I could move a freak wave slammed the our tiny boat up and into the Duncan Island. I was immediately pinned between the two vessels, the coxswain fought the current to pull his boat away and my shipmates pushed against the Island’s massive hull. Massive amounts of luck and the reactions of my teammates allowed me to walk off the small boat a half an hour later when it moored up.

This has been my life over the last 4 years……..transistion.

toothbrush
Posts: 2388
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:21 pm

Re: Intro too specific?

Postby toothbrush » Sat Jan 12, 2013 10:33 am

Hi there -

First off I commend you for reaching out to TLS for advice. It's a step in the right direction for any part of the LS process.

Secondly, your title threw me for a wild one. (edit - you fixed it :) )

Third, in my personal experience I started with a story such as your own and tied it in very nicely to the "meat" of my PS and then I editted it and had people read it and formatted and I had four and a half pages. The problem isn't intrinsically having a story in your PS but the fact that you have two pages to get across the point of you PS.

In my opinion you should leave your story, open a new word doc and pick up from the "transition" part. Paste what you get when you write that into TLS and we'll have a look.

Logistically you are at way to long of a PS already and I know nothing worthwhile (sorry) about you.

edit - This isn't bad writing at all I hope you don't think that, I only mean to say that I think you could use that space to convey what that experience has done for you / why you want to go to law school / etc and have a stronger PS at the end of 2pg.




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