Critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:54 am

I wrote a different statement altogether. The first one I wrote wasn't very good and was extremely boring. I feel this one is better depiction, just need some insight on things I could possibly do better. Would like to submit today. Thanks for all

On a quiet, cold January afternoon, I drive my police car around the city. It’s Sunday, nothing ever happens on a Sunday. As I drive in circles, neighborhood to neighborhood, I count down the minutes until it is time to go home.

“Police Units for a person that has fallen through the ice on Liberty Shores Lake,” the police dispatcher yells over the radio. Less than a mile from the location, I’m called into action. Knowing there isn’t any time to waste; I turn on my lights and sirens and speed toward the lake. Driving down the road, a million thoughts run through my mind. How am I going to get to the child without walking on the ice? What needs to be done if I get the child out of the water?
Finally getting there, another officer and I assess the scene. I see a small hole in the middle of the lake where the child fell through. “How are we going to get there,” I think to myself. A silver canoe catches my eye. I grab the canoe, drag it to the edge of the lake and we jump in.

The surface of Liberty Shores Lake suddenly seems turbulent as our canoe slides helplessly on the ice. Clumps of frozen snow fall off my boats, reminding me of my last moments secure on land. Just minutes ago, I was driving my police car aimlessly up and down the city streets. Now the canoe slides side to side beneath me in response to the icy lake and our own abrupt movements.

I dig my paddle into the thick ice, trying to break it up as I go. It’s hard, thick and unforgiving on my frozen hands. We continue aiming our canoe at the hole and desperately try to get there. The paddle wrenches and jerks as I continue to slam it into the ice. Foot by foot, stroke by stroke, we get to the hole. Expecting to see the child, I lean over the side of the canoe. I see nothing, just a cold black hole.

I start hitting the ice with my paddle to make the hole bigger. What seems like a long, tiring process, I get frustrated with my progress. I strike the ice with a newfound precision, cutting into the surface and heaving each chunk of ice behind me. I focus on displacing the ice around the hole, making each strike more deliberate than the last. I see a red object deep in the water, as it gets closer to the surface it is apparent the red object is a jacket. We plunge our hands into the water, grabbing the jacket. Trying to pull the person out of the water, the canoe slides back and forth on the ice, nearly tipping over. We pull one more time, this time successfully pulling them from the hole and into the canoe.

The hardest part over, we head back to shore. Following the path we already carved, we arrive back on shore in a fraction of the time. As we hand the person off to the medics, I fall to my knees in exhaustion. No longer at war with the ice, I close my eyes and just breathe.

Moving forward, I see new challenges as opportunities for innovation and approach them with diligence and energy. My career as a police officer—a dynamic, unpredictable and, at times, frustrating environment—continues, after seven years, to provide me with a renewed sense of achievement.

At the _________ Police Department, I have developed a fascination for law. I am recognized there as a leader capable of creating order from chaos. I have been managing people and helping citizens since age 14, when I started volunteering. In my legal career, I will employ the organizational, communication and management skills I honed in professional and volunteer positions.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jan 11, 2013 9:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Critique my PS

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Jan 08, 2013 8:25 pm

Anonymous User wrote:After several questions, the defense attorney advised that he had no further questions.

Okay seriously, what is it with LEO's and "advise"? Drives me crazy. Do they teach you that at the academy?

Writing is rough, but decent and fixable.

I like the basic idea of you liking the trial experience and wanting to become a lawyer, although I think you should spend a little more time on the actual exchange with you and the defense atty (don't call him Tim).

I think this will be effective if you're gunning for a (scholarship!!! at a) T2/3. I'm not convinced it would work as well at a T1. JMHO

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Re: Critique my PS

Postby fallingup » Tue Jan 08, 2013 8:36 pm

way too much of the statement (and therefore the adcom's precious and limited attention) is wasted on setting the scene rather than discussing you. we get it, you were nervous, but it doesn't mean you need to spend 3 paragraphs describing the experience of sitting in your seat. also, in your last paragraph you allude to accomplishments and service - can you elaborate on these? as a police officer you probably helped a lot of people and saw close-up/firsthand the way the law affects people and serves the public interest, and you probably have some poignant stories of that. talk about those! the courtroom one is kind of dry.

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Re: Critique my PS

Postby paratactical » Tue Jan 08, 2013 8:42 pm

Too much passive voice and too many gerund initiating sentences. Go through and highlight all the "-ing" words and all the "was"es and try to eliminate them.

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Re: Critique my PS

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 08, 2013 8:49 pm

Thats so funny, I have no clue where the hell I learned to use "advised" from but everyone that is a LEO uses. Must be pasted down from one officer to another. Also, thanks so much for everyones feedback so far. I will definitely work on this some more.

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