*WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
TrustInMusic
Posts: 222
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:39 pm

*WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

Postby TrustInMusic » Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:45 pm

thanks!
Last edited by TrustInMusic on Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

TrustInMusic
Posts: 222
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:39 pm

Re: *WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

Postby TrustInMusic » Thu Jan 03, 2013 3:05 pm

Hoping to get this sent asap... would really appreciate any help whatsoever :D
Will repay with eternal gratitude! :mrgreen:

TrustInMusic
Posts: 222
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:39 pm

Re: *WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

Postby TrustInMusic » Fri Jan 04, 2013 11:15 am

bump... will be submitting over the weekend... please!!! Any takers? :(

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: *WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

Postby icecold3000 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:01 pm

This shows a lot of character and reveals who you are as a person. I really like your personal statement, up to the last paragraph.

But, you should let the adcom imply that, "Law school stands squarely at that remarkable and elusive point where my academic talents, unwavering determination, and personal vocation intersect." The adcom will (hopefully) reach this conclusion on their own.

My advise would be cut the fluff involving why law school. I think the best ending would look like this:
The future that I desire involves a career which leverages my intellectual and leadership skills in a fulfilling manner. During my most desperate hour, other hard-pressed individuals helped me to transform my predicament into a source of inspiration. Playing a deeper role in helping marginalized communities is not a quixotic intention, but the natural destination of the pathway that I have already begun to trek. To this day, my introspective summer journey urges me to remain cognizant of the vicissitudes of life, and it will surely drive me to pursue life with an animated purpose in the legal community and beyond.


GOOD LUCK!

NontradFL
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Dec 05, 2012 9:49 pm

Re: *WANT TO SUBMIT IN 3 DAYS* Critique my PS and DS please :)

Postby NontradFL » Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:27 pm

Wow. What a story. Well done. I'm no pro at this, but here's my $.02

I would change nothing in the opening paragraphs (except maybe the stabbing part). You held my interest, drew me in emotionally, and made me feel like you're someone I'd like to know.

However, the last paragraph seems a little mechanical / forced. It doesn't seem to flow with the remainder of the emotional story. Did you struggle writing it? Is it there simply because it's supposed to be there?

You are a driven, smart, and passionate person. With the story you tell, I think it's important to close by convincing the reader you're not going to law school to prove your mom wrong. You could even acknowledge that the reader may be thinking exactly that. How about a segway? "It would be easy for an objective bystander to view me as driven soley by my past with a passion for outrunning my childhood. While that is admittedly part of the foundation on the canvas, the colors are now being added and practicing law will allow me to....."

Like I said, I'm no expert but I hope I helped. I'll be posting mine soon and would appreciate your opinion as well.

Good luck at HYS!

By the way, I don't know what vicissitudes means. :)




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