Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great! Forum

[Lize25]

.

[rebexness]

The run-on sentences make it hard to follow.

[Big Dog]

you have a LOT of really long sentences, some over 50 words, which make it hard to read. My rule of thumb has always been to try to break up any sentence that clear 25 words (unless it is a list of stuff).

I worked alongside waiters and partners at NYC law firms..

Huh? Were partners of NYC law firms waitressing? Cashiering? (I'm lost.)

My $0.02: you might separate the diversity idea (low income, immigrant) from the 'why law?' portion and make it two essays.

[Lize25]

I worked with waiters and partners at different times. Will def try to clarify that. I hadn't noticed how hideously long I made these sentences. Thank you so much for the feedback, will definitely take the advice.

I thought about separating the two topics but they truly go together and i dont think id have enough to say about just why law that wouldn't make it ridiculously abstract (though I think I'm bordering on that now). What do you think of the content itself?

[kublaikahn]

I read this and find that you are the type of person that I really want to succeed. And I think other will agree with me. I just think you need to really hone your writing and spend a lot more time on this. You have a great theme, but you just do not develop it very artfully. You theme is about how belief and sweat give volume and mass to aspiration. I love how the idea of a home became real when your parents articulated it, and how you supported the idea with milestones like you mom's residency.

Begin fresh with the idea that you have learned to take a dream and make it real by articulating it, by working toward it, and by believing in yourself. Outline you paper making every idea in each paragraph support your thesis. Then rewrite using the active voice.

Here's some quick ideas:

...

[EvilClinton]

Shorter sentences. This is very hard to read.

[Lize25]

Updated entry to revised my version. Thoughts?

[CorkBoard]

Desperately in need of punctuation. Edits below.

...

You need to consolidate this topic because it is all over the place. Do you want to talk about your parents, and learning from them? Do you want to talk about what you learned while working in NYC? You have weird vague parts in this PS that come out of nowhere and also go nowhere. Find a path topic-wise and follow it. This one is way too expansive.