Personal Statement Draft Critiques.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Personal Statement Draft Critiques.

Postby law1992 » Sun Nov 18, 2012 6:18 pm

Last edited by law1992 on Thu Nov 22, 2012 7:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Personal Statement Draft Critiques.

Postby fruitoftheloom » Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:11 pm

law1992 wrote:I've had a pretty rough life and well.. I'm not really able to show my statement to anyone I know due to my shame. If you have the time, I'd really appreciate some comments. If someone wants to go ahead and be rude, don't expect a comment back. I'm just wondering what it looks like through the eyes of other people. I'd really appreciate it. :oops:

If I close my eyes and count myself to sleep, I know my hunger will pass. If I curl into a ball, I know I’ll forget how cold I am. I know that if I hold on, my mother will eventually realize that I’ve been abandoned in this house. She will come and save me from my sister and her wretched appetite. Youth is to be spent outside playing with the leaves and swinging high from the trees. I was only twelve years old when I discovered that my sister was addicted to alcohol and drugs. She offered to babysit while my parents were away and soon after they left, she abandoned me for several days. At the time, it had become a redundant situation as my sister’s addiction worsened. I don't think redundant is the word you want to use. Redundant means that it's a duplicate Empty bottles and cocaine debris were nothing new to me. I knew that if I held on until my mother returned, I would get to go home and erase all that I had seen. However one day my mother discovered how I was forced to live while I was in the care of my sister. That day I will never forget the sound of her screams as she collapsed. She stood and stared at me, into my soul it seemed. Somehow I think she knew everything I had seen would catch up to me and consume me, and you know what? One day it did. This last part is really confusing. "One day my mother discovered how I was forced to live".. I don't get that. Do you mean after they came back and picked you up? Or did you not tell them to hide the situation? It's ambiguous and confusing. Also the part about her collapsing and staring into your soul is confusing too. Didn't she apologize? I think you need to rewrite everything after "however" to add more clarity to what happened.

My father parked and leaned over to me, “You know XXX you put me in a bad situation. You put yourself so deep in trouble that not even I may be able to help you today.” I sank into my seat as I tried to swallow down his words. We exited out of the car and walked toward the entrance of my high school. I hung my head in shame as my peers stood and stared. My father was a well-respected attorney within our community and he came to represent his “shit-head” daughter. I wouldn't use profanity in a personal statement. I would just say irresponsible or something else. As the doors opened, we were greeted with fraudulent handshakes. fraudulent handshakes? That doesn't make sense.. The principal escorted us to the second floor where I would be sentenced into exile. Hours passed as I watched my father quarrel back and forth. In the end he could only do so much. My body shook and trembled as my principal stood and stated, “XXX, you will be withdrawn from this high school and entered into an alternative education program. I only hope you learn to shape up because this really is your last chance.” I hung my head and accepted my ruling. As a young adult I destroyed my reputation by following in the footsteps of my sister.

For the next month I was detained in a crowded facility that housed the unwanted. This is confusing because it sounds like you were in juvie, not merely an alternative high school.. Upon my arrival, every morning I was searched by police officers. Patiently waiting for my release, everyday I sat quietly in fear as I watched my classmates attack and retaliate against each other and the staff. After my daily duties associated with what seemed like the madhouse, I’d walk to my father’s law office in the torrid weather. My father first assigned me with tasks such as cleaning the restrooms and taking out the trash. The more time I spent in my father’s office the more I became acquainted with the subject of law. After I earned his trust, my father would take me to court and let me sit in with people he represented. People who seemed to be just like me but had completely lost their way due to the choices they made in life. This is a sentence fragment. Either revise or combine with prior sentence. After everything this experience instead of "everything" I thought, “I want to go to law school. I want to get out of this town and become something great, greater than anyone ever expected from me.” I was released early due to good behavior and was enrolled back into my high school where I would begin began instead of "would begin" to take on college courses to get ahead. During high school I was given a second chance to change my attitude and unlike many of those around me, I saved myself from a bottomless pit.

After high school I attended a small university where I worked hard and joined various university organizations. From there I transferred to a bigger university where I would be challenged the most. I took on school, work, and community service. I’ve worked hard to be where I am now and I’m overjoyed to say that I’m going to be the first woman in my family that’s ever graduated with a college degree, and a full year ahead too. I want to go to law school so that I can shape myself into an educated Hispanic woman with the ability to defend and represent people who still have the opportunity to change. the hispanic part is out of nowhere... South Texas College of Law is my first preference due to it’s diversified community, on-site clinics, and curriculum. I see myself succeeding in organizations like the Pro-Bono Honors Program and the Student Bar Association. If I’m chosen, I know you’ll see me there too, and on graduation day as I walk down the stage. All my hard work after law school will be put into my firm where I will dedicate my time and energy to people just like me. I choose to offer my firm and myself to individuals who lack a voice of representation.This part is confusing and kind of corny.. I would omit the sentence about "if I'm chosen".. I also think you should fix the sentence with 'all my hard work' to something like "After graduate, I plan to dedicate my time and energy to people like the person I was in high school. I plan to represent those who lack a voice." I choose to be like my father, who never gave up and fought for me, even until to instead of until this day. I have struggled on and off to continue with my education and dream of attending law school. Despite all the bumps on my journey, I still stand here today, determined and unafraid to seek admission into South Texas because I know that my dedication and hard work will pay off. I know that one day I’m going to be an attorney. I only hope that I am given the opportunity to become a phenomenal law student through the J.D. program at South Texas College of Law.

Overall, it's a decent statement. make sure you know about the employment stats of STCL if that's really your #1 choice. Good luck!

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