First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:10 pm

Perhaps the greatest mind in human history once mused, “ I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” If that's good enough for Albert Einstein, I think it's perfectly fine for me. Throughout life, everyone always talks about finding their “calling,” or their “passion.” This always troubled me as a child because I didn't know what my passion was. I loved football, but by the time high school hit and I remained a wiry teen with limited speed, I knew I'd have to achieve the greatness I aspired to elsewhere. As cheap and cliche' as it may be, I ultimately found my passion to be more general than the typical person's idea of it: life itself. I just want to be a productive and helpful citizen, no matter by what means.

I've often heard the words “indifferent,” “carefree,” even “apathetic (my personal least favorite)” used to describe the way I carry myself. I don't particularly care for the laziness connotations associated with those type of words, but there incorrect connotations, not synonyms. I feel proud to be called this in some respects, as I've always hated peoples tendencies to become so locked on to any one particular belief. I am not carefree, indeed I am quite passionate when it comes to politics, law, sports, science, religion etc. However, I rarely see black and white, my vision is instead blurred with varying shades of gray. This can be misconstrued as a lack of opinion, when in fact it is actually the more accurate description. As this recent Presidential election highlighted ever so clearly, nothing can get uglier than people on opposing sides who either can not, or simply will not hear any view points but their own.
Being thorough and impartial: two characteristics I pride myself on, both of which are also imperative for success in Law School and beyond.

The two most important things to me right now are securing a comfortable life for my parents, and to make the world a better place. My parents have both had troubled lives: my Mother never knew her birth parents, and her brother was addicted to pain medications making for a difficult family environment. My Dad lost his older sister to disease when he was 12, and his parents subsequently split up not long after. Despite all of this they both ended up being wonderful people and the best parents imaginable. I want nothing more than to succeed and give them back at least a fraction what they have given me. On the grander scheme of things, it is also important that I impact humankind in someway for the better. I believe as human beings our purpose on Earth is to spread love and betterment to others. Be it through politics or any other route I fully intend to use my resources I will learn in Law School to help as many people as possible.

Never before in my life have I been so dedicated or had such a clear picture in mind as to what I want to accomplish. Nor have I ever been so sure about the path I was going down. For almost 22 years I've had people tell me I need to be a lawyer; I now know they were right. If given the opportunity to attend this prestigious institution, I will be bringing more fire and desire with me than I have ever had. I desperately want to help alleviate the problems I see around me, and Law School is the path best suited to help me do this.

llachans
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:54 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby llachans » Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:11 am

NoleFin wrote:Perhaps the greatest mind in human history once mused, “ I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” If that's good enough for Albert Einstein, I think it's perfectly fine for me. Throughout life, everyone always talks about finding their “calling,” or their “passion.” This always troubled me as a child because I didn't know what my passion was. I loved football, but by the time high school hit and I remained a wiry teen with limited speed, I knew I'd have to achieve the greatness I aspired to elsewhere. As cheap and cliche' as it may be, I ultimately found my passion to be more general than the typical person's idea of it: life itself. I just want to be a productive and helpful citizen, no matter by what means.

I've often heard the words “indifferent,” “carefree,” even “apathetic (my personal least favorite)” used to describe the way I carry myself. I don't particularly care for the laziness connotations associated with those type of words, but there incorrect connotations, not synonyms. I feel proud to be called this in some respects, as I've always hated peoples tendencies to become so locked on to any one particular belief. I am not carefree, indeed I am quite passionate when it comes to politics, law, sports, science, religion etc. However, I rarely see black and white, my vision is instead blurred with varying shades of gray. This can be misconstrued as a lack of opinion, when in fact it is actually the more accurate description. As this recent Presidential election highlighted ever so clearly, nothing can get uglier than people on opposing sides who either can not, or simply will not hear any view points but their own.
Being thorough and impartial: two characteristics I pride myself on, both of which are also imperative for success in Law School and beyond.

The two most important things to me right now are securing a comfortable life for my parents, and to make the world a better place. My parents have both had troubled lives: my Mother never knew her birth parents, and her brother was addicted to pain medications making for a difficult family environment. My Dad lost his older sister to disease when he was 12, and his parents subsequently split up not long after. Despite all of this they both ended up being wonderful people and the best parents imaginable. I want nothing more than to succeed and give them back at least a fraction what they have given me. On the grander scheme of things, it is also important that I impact humankind in someway for the better. I believe as human beings our purpose on Earth is to spread love and betterment to others. Be it through politics or any other route I fully intend to use my resources I will learn in Law School to help as many people as possible.

Never before in my life have I been so dedicated or had such a clear picture in mind as to what I want to accomplish. Nor have I ever been so sure about the path I was going down. For almost 22 years I've had people tell me I need to be a lawyer; I now know they were right. If given the opportunity to attend this prestigious institution, I will be bringing more fire and desire with me than I have ever had. I desperately want to help alleviate the problems I see around me, and Law School is the path best suited to help me do this.


Substance-wise, this really tells me nothing about you. You want to be a lawyer and have your parents. I want more.

Grammar-wise, none of the bolded words should be capitalized.

NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:46 am

Thanks, appreciate the advice. I know its very lacking in substance, but I dont really have much to write about Im afraid lol.

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JDndMSW
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Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby JDndMSW » Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:52 am

I think it really showed you have nothing to talk about. It jumped around a lot and I never saw an actual point being made. Seriously figure out something else to actually talk about and focus on that.

andreskicdo
Posts: 125
Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2011 12:06 am

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby andreskicdo » Thu Nov 15, 2012 11:30 am

It really says nothing about you. I would not be able to tell anything abotu you besides that you played football after reading your PS. It needs to be more personal. You say that law school is your best path, but do not indicate why. Also I would avoid contractions when you're writing this essay.

Finally, "I've often heard the words “indifferent,” “carefree,” even “apathetic (my personal least favorite)” used to describe the way I carry myself. I don't particularly care for the laziness connotations associated with those type of words, but they are incorrect connotations, not synonyms"

NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Thu Nov 15, 2012 12:26 pm

JDndMSW wrote:I think it really showed you have nothing to talk about. It jumped around a lot and I never saw an actual point being made. Seriously figure out something else to actually talk about and focus on that.



:oops: unfortunately I really dont have much to talk about. I lived your typical urban sheltered life. It was a VERY rough draft, did anything from it seem to be maybe a better point to extrapolate on? Or should i start from scratch?

NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Thu Nov 15, 2012 12:27 pm

andreskicdo wrote:It really says nothing about you. I would not be able to tell anything abotu you besides that you played football after reading your PS. It needs to be more personal. You say that law school is your best path, but do not indicate why. Also I would avoid contractions when you're writing this essay.

Finally, "I've often heard the words “indifferent,” “carefree,” even “apathetic (my personal least favorite)” used to describe the way I carry myself. I don't particularly care for the laziness connotations associated with those type of words, but they are incorrect connotations, not synonyms"


I know, Im having a very difficult time figuring out what to say. Right on about the contractions though, I will be changing those whenever I finish.

cjsan
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 4:37 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby cjsan » Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:13 pm

What about focusing on your realization that you would have to give up football? How did this influence you? What did you learn about yourself/ your character as a result? How do those character traits relate to your goals/decision to go to law school?

It doesn't have to be that example, but you should focus on one specific experience and answer those questions.

NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:56 pm

cjsan wrote:What about focusing on your realization that you would have to give up football? How did this influence you? What did you learn about yourself/ your character as a result? How do those character traits relate to your goals/decision to go to law school?

It doesn't have to be that example, but you should focus on one specific experience and answer those questions.


Sounds like smart advice, gracias.

eleemosynary2
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2012 9:24 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby eleemosynary2 » Thu Nov 15, 2012 8:41 pm

First of all, you need to entirely scrap this, which you may already know.

Writing PS's can be tough for people who feel they are boring, run of the mill, sheltered, etc. (I know, I felt this way too.)

You should realize, though, that 99.9% of applicants have material in their lives sufficient to construct an interesting essay of two pages. I recommend writing down a bunch of interesting stories from your childhood or college that reflect something about you. See if there are any themes that emerge.

NoleFin
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:08 pm

Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby NoleFin » Fri Nov 16, 2012 6:08 pm

eleemosynary2 wrote:First of all, you need to entirely scrap this, which you may already know.

Writing PS's can be tough for people who feel they are boring, run of the mill, sheltered, etc. (I know, I felt this way too.)

You should realize, though, that 99.9% of applicants have material in their lives sufficient to construct an interesting essay of two pages. I recommend writing down a bunch of interesting stories from your childhood or college that reflect something about you. See if there are any themes that emerge.



Thats the single best idea anyones given me. Thanks a lot, that was big help.

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bdeebs
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Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby bdeebs » Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:33 pm

Edit: posted to wrong ps...too many windows open.
Last edited by bdeebs on Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PickMe!
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Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby PickMe! » Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:50 pm

JDndMSW wrote:I think it really showed you have nothing to talk about. It jumped around a lot and I never saw an actual point being made. Seriously figure out something else to actually talk about and focus on that.


This!

mmbowling
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Re: First Try At Personal Statement: All advice appreciated

Postby mmbowling » Sun Nov 18, 2012 12:17 pm

This could make the admissions teams think, maybe this guy is lazy and in denial, not a good trait you want people to even think about possibly being true

I've often heard the words “indifferent,” “carefree,” even “apathetic (my personal least favorite)” used to describe the way I carry myself. I don't particularly care for the laziness connotations associated with those type of words, but there incorrect connotations, not synonyms.

This makes it seem like you are going to law school for the money, in today's economy that money might not be there. You want to admissions team to think you are there because you are passionate about the law
The two most important things to me right now are securing a comfortable life for my parents,

No worries, I had to write 3 separate personal statements before I got one that I think I can possibly use.




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