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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
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Re: Diversity Statement: Calling all grammar/punctuation hounds.

Postby fruitoftheloom » Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:37 pm

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Last edited by fruitoftheloom on Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bananapudding88
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 4:11 pm

Re: Diversity Statement: Calling all grammar/punctuation hounds.

Postby bananapudding88 » Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:41 pm

Hey Worm,

Gonna give you my two cents. Basically, this diversity statement doesn't tell me much about who you are as an individual with unique experiences, and that worries me. What you say in this statement is something that many people with an open mind and a good heart could write. That said, I would definitely keep parts of your second paragraph (specifically the bits about "That is why my background...." and "Whether its a classmate...").

I just think you can only help yourself by adding more Worm to this and less "I'm a good guy," if that makes sense. Maybe divulge some of those experiences that led to you to adopt this perspective....

ETA: Did not mean to imply that "more Worm" and "I'm a good guy" are mutually exclusive. Just mean to suggest that I would want to know more about who you are and what your general background is, instead of the more general reflections that comprise the majority of your current draft.

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LoveLife89
Posts: 102
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Re: Diversity Statement: Calling all grammar/punctuation hounds.

Postby LoveLife89 » Sun Nov 11, 2012 6:53 pm

This isn't going to be much of an effective DS. The point of a DS is to highlight your diversity and how that allows you to add to the class. You're almost putting aside your diversity and saying something that could be said from anyone. No one is tellig you to write a sob story or ask for pity. But, you should show how being an AA male has given you the perspective that you have. Anything else won't add to your app and just might as well not be written.

You can PM and see mine if you would like.

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bananapudding88
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 4:11 pm

Re: Diversity Statement: Calling all grammar/punctuation hounds.

Postby bananapudding88 » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:29 pm

LoveLife89 wrote:This isn't going to be much of an effective DS. The point of a DS is to highlight your diversity and how that allows you to add to the class. You're almost putting aside your diversity and saying something that could be said from anyone. No one is tellig you to write a sob story or ask for pity. But, you should show how being an AA male has given you the perspective that you have. Anything else won't add to your app and just might as well not be written.

You can PM and see mine if you would like.


This person has made the point I intended to get across, Worm. You can write effectively about being an AA male without writing a trite sob story. Your DS as it is now doesn't reflect anything unique about you. Feel free to PM as well if you'd like to see mine.

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bananapudding88
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 4:11 pm

Re: Diversity Statement: Calling all grammar/punctuation hounds.

Postby bananapudding88 » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:31 pm

Wormfather wrote:
aiaea wrote:Hey Worm,

Gonna give you my two cents. Basically, this diversity statement doesn't tell me much about who you are as an individual with unique experiences, and that worries me. What you say in this statement is something that many people with an open mind and a good heart could write. That said, I would definitely keep parts of your second paragraph (specifically the bits about "That is why my background...." and "Whether its a classmate...").

I just think you can only help yourself by adding more Worm to this and less "I'm a good guy," if that makes sense. Maybe divulge some of those experiences that led to you to adopt this perspective....

ETA: Did not mean to imply that "more Worm" and "I'm a good guy" are mutually exclusive. Just mean to suggest that I would want to know more about who you are and what your general background is, instead of the more general reflections that comprise the majority of your current draft.


My first draft was a lot of that, in the end I felt like the admissions councilors were going to see a lot of that. I dont think that my WE, my being AA, my being socially disadvantaged growing up will be anything new; the WE only works if I've done something awesome (actually went over that in PS) and the latter two things only work if someone will stand there and play violins while the adcom reads.. I was thinking that this angle takes all those run of the mill diversity statements and then applies it in a practical way.

I was thinking that this DS is low risk high reward. Is this a bad strat?


Bad strat. I think this DS is low risk low reward.




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