Nearly Final Draft, please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Cobretti
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Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 15, 2012 1:19 pm

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Last edited by Cobretti on Sat Dec 29, 2012 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:28 pm

DELETE the word "unique" in your last few paragraphs.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:30 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:DELETE the word "unique" in your last few paragraphs.


But I'm a special snowflake... :roll:

Touche sir, thanks. any other feedback?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:33 pm

"...I learned to seek out and embrace leadership." = a bit corny & could be misinterpreted.

Otherwise, your PS is well written & convincing, in my opinion.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:35 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:"...I learned to seek out and embrace leadership." = a bit corny & could be misinterpreted.


misinterpreted as what?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:36 pm

Running up to & hugging a senior officer.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 15, 2012 2:37 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Running up to & hugging a senior officer.


lol, rereading it i guess that is one literal interpretation. I'll make it "leadership roles", thanks

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Alorain
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Alorain » Sat Oct 20, 2012 1:13 pm

This is actually really good. I was pretty captivated while reading it. It neatly encompasses what makes you individual as an applicant, provides reasons for why you want to study law, and relays why you would be a good candidate. I have no improvements to offer. Carry on sir.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Sat Oct 20, 2012 3:40 pm

Alorain wrote:This is actually really good. I was pretty captivated while reading it. It neatly encompasses what makes you individual as an applicant, provides reasons for why you want to study law, and relays why you would be a good candidate. I have no improvements to offer. Carry on sir.


Thanks man, appreciate it

chadbrochill
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby chadbrochill » Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:48 am

Hey Mrizza, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I gotta say tho, this is finished product my man.

This P.S. did its job with brutal efficiency. You highlight your strengths in unique yet relatable ways. This experience also so large and engrossing that it can put some distance between you and your GPA. You sound like you'd be a unique and competitive addition to any law school class. I really like the reasons for getting into law, even with all your experiences you've maintained an academic passion. Submit this with peace of mind buddy :)

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:23 am

chadbrochill wrote:Hey Mrizza, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I gotta say tho, this is finished product my man.

This P.S. did its job with brutal efficiency. You highlight your strengths in unique yet relatable ways. This experience also so large and engrossing that it can put some distance between you and your GPA. You sound like you'd be a unique and competitive addition to any law school class. I really like the reasons for getting into law, even with all your experiences you've maintained an academic passion. Submit this with peace of mind buddy :)


Thanks man, let me know when you have a working draft

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SumStalwart
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby SumStalwart » Tue Oct 23, 2012 9:13 am

Great job with this! I have one comment.

mrizza wrote:Immersing myself back into higher education has re-ignited my desire for intellectual stimulation, solidifying my decision to be a lawyer.


Try saying re-immersing, rather than "immersing myself back." The latter usage upsets the flow of your PS. Taking the other bits of advice into consideration, I would say that you definitely have a complete PS.

Once again, congratulations on your accomplishment. You definitely deserve the title "special little snowflake." ;)

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:19 pm

SumStalwart wrote:Great job with this! I have one comment.

mrizza wrote:Immersing myself back into higher education has re-ignited my desire for intellectual stimulation, solidifying my decision to be a lawyer.


Try saying re-immersing, rather than "immersing myself back." The latter usage upsets the flow of your PS. Taking the other bits of advice into consideration, I would say that you definitely have a complete PS.

Once again, congratulations on your accomplishment. You definitely deserve the title "special little snowflake." ;)


Thanks man, appreciate it. But you don't think saying Re-immersing right before saying re-ignited sounds awkward and repetitive? I originally had it as re-immersing, but I can't stand repetition in my writing so I had to change it.

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SumStalwart
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby SumStalwart » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:35 pm

mrizza wrote:[

Thanks man, appreciate it. But you don't think saying Re-immersing right before saying re-ignited sounds awkward and repetitive? I originally had it as re-immersing, but I can't stand repetition in my writing so I had to change it.


Just change the "re-ignited" part to "acted as a catalyst." Still conveys a dynamic reaction, but sounds more refined.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:36 pm

SumStalwart wrote:
mrizza wrote:[

Thanks man, appreciate it. But you don't think saying Re-immersing right before saying re-ignited sounds awkward and repetitive? I originally had it as re-immersing, but I can't stand repetition in my writing so I had to change it.


Just change the "re-ignited" part to "acted as a catalyst." Still conveys a dynamic reaction, but sounds more refined.


I'll play around with it, thanks man

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SumStalwart
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby SumStalwart » Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:44 pm

I guess that this is the sentence that I had in mind: "Re-Immersing myself into higher education has catalyzed my desire for intellectual stimulation, and solidifying my decision to become a lawyer."

Yes, it's a little bit different from my initial line. However, it avoids the awkward beginning of the sentence as well as the multiple use of "for."

By the way, I am almost joined the Air Force-- took the ASVAB and was in the process of scheduling my MEPS date. I ultimately decided against it... But there is still the lingering "what if" question.

wwUSMC84
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby wwUSMC84 » Tue Oct 23, 2012 3:38 pm

SumStalwart wrote:I guess that this is the sentence that I had in mind: "Re-Immersing myself into higher education has catalyzed my desire for intellectual stimulation, and solidifying my decision to become a lawyer."


I think this is along the right lines, but I think it would work best as "Re-Immersing myself into higher education has stimulated my desire for intellectual growth, and solidified my decision to become a lawyer." I think solidified works better than solidifying, as to me it implies a sense of finality. It's done and over with. You've made the decision and are actively pursuing its accomplishment. Just my $0.02.

As a fellow OEF vet, I experienced the same revelations over there, which also led me to the decision to pursue law.
That being said, I think your PS is quite good. Effective, to the point, and most importantly, well written.

Good luck.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Tue Oct 23, 2012 3:57 pm

wwUSMC84 wrote:
SumStalwart wrote:I guess that this is the sentence that I had in mind: "Re-Immersing myself into higher education has catalyzed my desire for intellectual stimulation, and solidifying my decision to become a lawyer."


I think this is along the right lines, but I think it would work best as "Re-Immersing myself into higher education has stimulated my desire for intellectual growth, and solidified my decision to become a lawyer." I think solidified works better than solidifying, as to me it implies a sense of finality. It's done and over with. You've made the decision and are actively pursuing its accomplishment. Just my $0.02.

As a fellow OEF vet, I experienced the same revelations over there, which also led me to the decision to pursue law.
That being said, I think your PS is quite good. Effective, to the point, and most importantly, well written.

Good luck.


That's it, I'm using that word for word, perfect.

Thanks man, I'll take a look at yours too.

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Bfalcon
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Bfalcon » Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:06 am

mrizza wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Running up to & hugging a senior officer.


lol, rereading it i guess that is one literal interpretation. I'll make it "leadership roles", thanks


Having seerved in the military myself, I understand the seek and embrace leadership concept. You could also write seek and accept leadership. That said, I personally don't find seek and embrace leadership as corny

Other than that, I think it's a great statement!
Last edited by Bfalcon on Tue May 28, 2013 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ChikaBoom
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby ChikaBoom » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:06 pm

I like this quite a bit. Very nicely written. I don't really have any additional critique to offer. Good luck!

jac101689
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby jac101689 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:37 pm

Pretty darn good, soldier.

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Cobretti
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Re: Nearly Final Draft, please critique

Postby Cobretti » Fri Nov 02, 2012 2:10 am

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