short essay critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
gambelda
Posts: 300
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:44 am

short essay critique

Postby gambelda » Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:48 pm

This is not a personal statement, but an additional essay with a very short word limit. Looking for opinions on if you believe this topic makes sense if I spend the last paragraph (yet to be written) to connect this essay to the fact that the school offers a great deal of unique opportunities and extracurriculars in which I intend to spend a great deal of time. Do you think this essay accomplishes the goal of illustrating how I am different from my peers? (I have my Why X essay in addition)

Tell us about something you wish you had done better.

When my mother dropped me off for my first year at Michigan State University, she told me to use college as a time to experiment. Her advice seemed odd given that she usually prioritized my grades. I focused on my studies and succeeded. My final grades were how I judged myself and how I believed I was judged by others. As a result, I often chose my studies over extracurricular activities in which many of my peers were involved. In hindsight, I wish I had listened to her advice and taken better advantage of the opportunities and experiences that a higher education provides.

At Michigan State University, there were over 200 student groups that provided me with the ability to work on social, environmental causes or build professional experience. These groups provided collegiate and professional networks where I could have developed relationships with individuals working in all walks of life. In addition, many extracurricular activities offer a safe environment to test new experiences with limited consequences. While I contributed to a social organizations including pro-bono consulting for non-profit organizations, I believe that I passed on a number of opportunities that would have allowed me to grow personally and professionally. I failed to realize the value of these opportunities while earning my undergraduate degree.

While classroom performance is important, I now understand how a breadth of experience is equally necessary. Upon graduation, it was clear that many of my close friends and colleagues were better versed in industry knowledge and could better approach complex issues faced by their employers. Although I was able to bridge this gap through hard work in the fast paced consulting world, I cannot overestimate the value of opportunities that I passed on during my undergraduate studies. I strongly believe that I would have been better prepared to enter the workforce if I had been more actively involved in diverse and challenging extracurricular activities.

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CorkBoard
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Re: short essay critique

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:52 am

gambelda wrote:This is not a personal statement, but an additional essay with a very short word limit. Looking for opinions on if you believe this topic makes sense if I spend the last paragraph (yet to be written) to connect this essay to the fact that the school offers a great deal of unique opportunities and extracurriculars in which I intend to spend a great deal of time. Do you think this essay accomplishes the goal of illustrating how I am different from my peers? (I have my Why X essay in addition)

Tell us about something you wish you had done better.

When my mother dropped me off for my first year at Michigan State University, she told me to use college as a time to experiment. Her advice seemed odd given that she usually prioritized my grades. I focused on my studies and succeeded. My final grades were how I judged myself and how I believed I was judged by others. As a result, I often chose my studies over extracurricular activities in which many of my peers were involved. In hindsight, I wish I had listened to her advice and taken better advantage of the opportunities and experiences that a higher education provides.

At Michigan State University, there were over 200 student groups that provided me with the ability to work on social, environmental causes or build professional experience. These groups provided collegiate and professional networks where I could have developed relationships with individuals working in all walks of life. In addition, many extracurricular activities offer a safe environment to test new experiences with limited consequences. While I contributed to a social organizations including pro-bono consulting for non-profit organizations, I believe that I passed on a number of opportunities that would have allowed me to grow personally and professionally. I failed to realize the value of these opportunities while earning my undergraduate degree.

While classroom performance is important, I now understand how a breadth of experience is equally necessary. Upon graduation, it was clear that many of my close friends and colleagues were better versed in industry knowledge and could better approach complex issues faced by their employers. Although I was able to bridge this gap through hard work in the fast paced consulting world, I cannot overestimate the value of opportunities that I passed on during my undergraduate studies. I strongly believe that I would have been better prepared to enter the workforce if I had been more actively involved in diverse and challenging extracurricular activities.

I wouldn't pick this as a topic.

gambelda
Posts: 300
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:44 am

Re: short essay critique

Postby gambelda » Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:56 am

Why Not? Your comment has zero value if I can't understand why this topic may not be the best of choices.... I don't really want to write about something in my professional work because then I imply that there were instances where I did not work my hardest. Not to mention, I'm already in a bind given my background/ Work Experience is practically the same as every other applicant which they will see in my resume.

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CorkBoard
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Re: short essay critique

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:06 am

gambelda wrote:Why Not? Your comment has zero value if I can't understand why this topic may not be the best of choices.... I don't really want to write about something in my professional work because then I imply that there were instances where I did not work my hardest. Not to mention, I'm already in a bind given my background/ Work Experience is practically the same as every other applicant which they will see in my resume.


Is this optional or required?

Your essay reeks of regret and you do little to bring positivity and explain how you worked towards fixing this issue.

gambelda
Posts: 300
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:44 am

Re: short essay critique

Postby gambelda » Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:12 am

CorkBoard wrote:
gambelda wrote:Why Not? Your comment has zero value if I can't understand why this topic may not be the best of choices.... I don't really want to write about something in my professional work because then I imply that there were instances where I did not work my hardest. Not to mention, I'm already in a bind given my background/ Work Experience is practically the same as every other applicant which they will see in my resume.


Is this optional or required?

Your essay reeks of regret and you do little to bring positivity and explain how you worked towards fixing this issue.


Required. So then you do not believe the topic is a poor choice but rather the approach? I can see the point you made about steps toward fixing the issue. I would have to find a way to adjust as the essay is limited to 400 words.

EDIT: In addition, this is due in 2 days if I want to make the first deadline. In this case, I really do.

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CorkBoard
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Re: short essay critique

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:22 am

gambelda wrote:
CorkBoard wrote:
gambelda wrote:Why Not? Your comment has zero value if I can't understand why this topic may not be the best of choices.... I don't really want to write about something in my professional work because then I imply that there were instances where I did not work my hardest. Not to mention, I'm already in a bind given my background/ Work Experience is practically the same as every other applicant which they will see in my resume.


Is this optional or required?

Your essay reeks of regret and you do little to bring positivity and explain how you worked towards fixing this issue.


Required. So then you do not believe the topic is a poor choice but rather the approach? I can see the point you made about steps toward fixing the issue. I would have to find a way to adjust as the essay is limited to 400 words.

EDIT: In addition, this is due in 2 days if I want to make the first deadline. In this case, I really do.

Okay, well I don't think it's the best topic ever, but I still think you could try to make it sound more positive at the end and it would be better.

canarykb
Posts: 151
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:56 am

Re: short essay critique

Postby canarykb » Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:06 pm

Is this an optional essay or is it required? If it is optional, I would simply lose it to meet the deadline. I think it makes you look bad! You haven't proven that you actually WILL join extracurriculars at this school, just that you want to, and I think that only serves to highlight what you wouldn't bring to the school. You explicitly highlight why you would be a worse candidate than your peers: " Upon graduation, it was clear that many of my close friends and colleagues were better versed in industry knowledge and could better approach complex issues faced by their employers."

I think this topic doesn't work because it demonstrates a pattern of behavior over 4 years, rather than a single thing you wish you had done better. You don't do enough to convince that you would change this behavior. You TELL but don't SHOW. The one way I would fix this is think of a specific group you would have joined and talk about why specifically you were interested and why you didn't join. Then connect it to a specific activity at this school which you would join, now that you know what you missed.




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