Personal Statement Rough Draft for URM. Help Please! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hey everyone,

I need some help with my personal statement so here's my rough draft so far. I feel in some areas it is way too wordy and other areas it is too choppy, as well being way too long. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!



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[Anonymous User]

Bump

[endless_sekai]

I like the statement. Full disclosure, I'm also a college athlete(tennis), so I might be slightly biased. At times, I definitely do think that its wordy. I think the first paragraph can be trimmed down a slight bit. Stylistically and attention grabbing wise I think you could do something by using the Mesmerized line to better catch the attention of the reader. That is, remove the first few sentences and start off with something along the lines of [ Mesmerized by the formality of national signing day, I began to reminisce on the numerous trials and tribulations that brought me to this moment etc etc etc. ]. I feel that does a lot more to grab attention than the previous sentences do. That and it conveys the fact that you were a student athlete a lot less boringly than the first sentences did.

I like that you mentioned that being an athlete allowed to to have the courage to decide against medical school. I think it demonstrates some conviction on your part.

I really don't like this line "Soccer, most importantly, introduced me to the concept of ......" The only reason why I dont like it is because, "most importantly" sounds insincere in my opinion. I think something along the lines of "Soccer, was not only a sport for me, but a way to connect to the world around me. It helped to introduce me to the concept of 'helping others while doing what you love'......etc etc etc...." To me, this sounds a lot more sincere and less forced than using what you currently have.

Lastly, I would remove the final line of that same paragraph.... "Doing so would not only...." Again, it just sounds insincere to me. I feel that the line before it does a much better job of representing how you feel in an authentic manner.

Overall, I liked the theme and thought you tied it well to your desire to be a lawyer. I think this statement could be real solid with a few changes. Hope this helps

[Anonymous User]

Thank you so much endless_sekai for your suggestions!! It sounds much better already. I revised the draft above - anyone else with suggestions/comments please?

[Anonymous User]

I need help trimming this down for the UCLA personal statement requirements. With 1" margins and 12 pt. font, it takes up 3 pages I'll swap personals statements with someone, just PM me.