First draft. Please tear it apart.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:21 pm

First draft. Please tear it apart.

Postby Techsan23 » Thu Aug 30, 2012 6:47 pm

This is something that I did as a first draft to see if it is viable. Please feel free to tear it apart and let me know if any of this can be used for a personal statement. All comments are really appreciated.

Everybody has a story. Some stories are more interesting than others. Some are gut wrenching, others are pleasant. But some stories embody that ideals and virtues we seek in ourselves. At the age of 30 my father arrived to the United States of America. His resolve was to create a better life for himself and have the gift of opportunity resonate to his son. He set out to create a story that would embody a dream and create a legacy.

My dad worked fervently to transform a story he envisioned into his story. My father knew that if he wanted to achieve his dream, he would need an education. He worked several jobs without a single day of rest for years so that he could afford an education. I remember living in a cramped single bedroom apartment when I was young. We were in an apartment with three other immigrant families. All we had in the apartment were blankets to cover us while we slept on the dirty and torn carpet. I didn’t see my dad much, he went to work before I woke up and came home after I went to bed. Today he is a successful engineer living out the story he had in mind because of the education he worked tirelessly to obtain. He wanted me to have the same opportunity that wasn’t readily available to him.

Through my father's story I felt drawn to write my own story. To his surprise, instead of going into the lucrative field of business or venturing into stable field medicine like a lot other high achieving students, I was drawn to law. Law I felt was a dynamic dialogue between people, a story in which chapters could be written for better or worse.
My own story began as a struggling elementary school student who didn’t speak any English. It was one riddled with harassment and bullying. I was defenseless because I couldn’t express myself. I didn’t do well in school because I couldn’t properly interpret what I was being taught. I was frustrated but I knew that I needed to instill in myself the same virtues that my father had. I needed to persevere when I was faced with obstacles. I needed to forge ahead and realize that my story is one which I was in control of. I remained determined through my studies and continuously reminded myself of my father’s story. I ended up graduating college among the top of my class.

When I graduated from Pacific State University I could have fielded many offers to go to graduate school or consult. However, my desire to continue to change my story and have the opportunity to play a role in the story of others leads me to law school.
My father’s story taught me that stories with lackluster beginnings can be rewritten to have picture perfect endings.


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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:53 am

Re: First draft. Please tear it apart.

Postby brittanynicole_4 » Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:37 am

This could be a very good topic. You need to focus more on yourself and condense the story about your father. I think you should still keep the story about him, but make it more brief. The statement needs to be more about you. Elaborate on your story and I think it can be promising.

Please see my personal statement under subject "Review and critique please" and let me know what you think of mine.


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Joined: Tue Jul 14, 2009 4:32 am

Re: First draft. Please tear it apart.

Postby Peg » Fri Aug 31, 2012 4:16 pm

Yeah, you need to chop down everything about your dad and focus on the bullying. Give us episodes, anecdotes, tell us what specifically how it helped mold you. Then give examples of the new you and what you've done since. You need a single unifying theme, and in this case self-discovery after bullying seems like a good direction.

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