First draft of PS ~ Have some questions in last post!

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fiestaoffire
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First draft of PS ~ Have some questions in last post!

Postby fiestaoffire » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:57 pm

Trying to tie the idea of superheroes to my personal understanding of social justice. I'm afraid it might be a bit scrambled, but I'd like to get some critiques and advice on how to fix whatever issues you guys find in this. Thanks so much, I've tried to make sure it's grammatically correct, but I might've missed some things.

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~2nd draft currently in the works~

Have some questions on my last post in this topic, if anyone can answer, that'll be great.
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Again, thanks so much in advance!
Last edited by fiestaoffire on Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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nickb285
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby nickb285 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 6:17 pm

fiestaoffire wrote:That’s what I wished I could be. A person who could help others, regardless of whether it’s stopping a monster from beating his wife to simply spending my free time tutoring disadvantaged children.


So, why do you want to be a lawyer? The stories you tell imply that you would be motivated to be a police officer, a teacher, a political activist, a volunteer, a social worker...many things, in fact, but I never really get the sense of how your experiences bring you to the practice of law. What is it about tutoring, and about your abusive father (BTW, I feel like there needs to be more connection between those two if you're going to use them both; you go straight from "thank God we're not being abused anymore" to "in college I tutored elementary school" and it feels disjointed), that make you want to go to law school, beyond a somewhat vague notion of helping people?

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RSterling
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby RSterling » Mon Jul 30, 2012 6:44 pm

nickb285 wrote:
fiestaoffire wrote:That’s what I wished I could be. A person who could help others, regardless of whether it’s stopping a monster from beating his wife to simply spending my free time tutoring disadvantaged children.


So, why do you want to be a lawyer? The stories you tell imply that you would be motivated to be a police officer, a teacher, a political activist, a volunteer, a social worker...many things, in fact, but I never really get the sense of how your experiences bring you to the practice of law. What is it about tutoring, and about your abusive father (BTW, I feel like there needs to be more connection between those two if you're going to use them both; you go straight from "thank God we're not being abused anymore" to "in college I tutored elementary school" and it feels disjointed), that make you want to go to law school, beyond a somewhat vague notion of helping people?


This. I would also revise the sentence where you refer to your father as scum. While it sounds like you were subjected to a really horrible homelife, an adcomm may view this as lingering bitterness (deserved or not). I think you want to convey that while your experiences shaped you, you are not hung up on them. I think an equally good transition that would avoid this would be to say "someone like my father."

fiestaoffire
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby fiestaoffire » Mon Jul 30, 2012 7:07 pm

nickb285 wrote:you go straight from "thank God we're not being abused anymore" to "in college I tutored elementary school" and it feels disjointed), that make you want to go to law school, beyond a somewhat vague notion of helping people?


Yeah, I made some hasty edits before posting my PS here, and I eliminated the paragraph that detailed my time between then and college (and my motivations for doing what I did) because I was considerably over the 2 page limit. Though I'll go back and try to add it in without taking too much space.

RSterling wrote:I would also revise the sentence where you refer to your father as scum. While it sounds like you were subjected to a really horrible homelife, an adcomm may view this as lingering bitterness (deserved or not). I think you want to convey that while your experiences shaped you, you are not hung up on them. I think an equally good transition that would avoid this would be to say "someone like my father."

I'll change that as well. I originally did have it as "someone like my father," but didn't want anyone to think that I was referring to him as a victim (and not a victimizer).

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facile princeps
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby facile princeps » Mon Jul 30, 2012 7:38 pm

Edit: Removed full quote of OP's original draft and my response to it. If you are reading this, you are one nosy focker.
Last edited by facile princeps on Thu Aug 09, 2012 7:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

bobbyh1919
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby bobbyh1919 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 9:37 pm

This was one of the best first efforts I've seen, but you really need to make that link between your experiences and your desire to go to law school. As others have said, your PS makes it sound more likely that you'd thrive as a teacher or a cop than as a lawyer. Build that link and you'll be well on your way to a great PS.

Halo
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby Halo » Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:17 am

bobbyh1919 wrote:This was one of the best first efforts I've seen, but you really need to make that link between your experiences and your desire to go to law school. As others have said, your PS makes it sound more likely that you'd thrive as a teacher or a cop than as a lawyer. Build that link and you'll be well on your way to a great PS.



From what I have read in Anna Ivey's book - she states that your PS should not say why you want to go to LS, rather it should be a personal statement which is revealing about you and your qualities. I have read a lot of these PS on here and frankly, they are depressing: abusive home life, cancer, divorce, death, alcoholic parents, racism, etc. Doesn't anyone have an uplifting PS that is about a personal passion that has nurtured and developed character and quality?

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facile princeps
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby facile princeps » Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:28 pm

Halo wrote:
bobbyh1919 wrote:This was one of the best first efforts I've seen, but you really need to make that link between your experiences and your desire to go to law school. As others have said, your PS makes it sound more likely that you'd thrive as a teacher or a cop than as a lawyer. Build that link and you'll be well on your way to a great PS.



From what I have read in Anna Ivey's book - she states that your PS should not say why you want to go to LS, rather it should be a personal statement which is revealing about you and your qualities. I have read a lot of these PS on here and frankly, they are depressing: abusive home life, cancer, divorce, death, alcoholic parents, racism, etc. Doesn't anyone have an uplifting PS that is about a personal passion that has nurtured and developed character and quality?

Interesting. Duly noted. I think i need to read a ps guide instead of freestyling.

Halo
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby Halo » Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:45 pm

Wise conclusion.

fiestaoffire
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Re: First draft of PS. Would love some critique and advice.

Postby fiestaoffire » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:11 pm

So some questions:

1) If in my resume I mention how many hours and semesters I spent doing this community service, do I need to reference it in my PS? I was thinking because these guys look over the entirety of my application, they would make the connection that what I listed in my resume is part of what I'm writing about in my personal statement. I personally think it's a not unimpressive number, but I don't want to toot my own horn too much (and I can't find a great way of fitting it in without it seeming like I'm mentioning for the sake of mentioning it) and, more importantly, I'm having problems with length already and adding more seems like a bad idea.

2) The limit for almost all law schools I'm planning on applying to is 2 pages (double-spaced, I'm assuming). Right now, I've hit 1.25 pages single-spaced. How strict are they with the page limit? I know back when I was applying for college, there was some leniency, but I want to make sure whether that's the same for law schools. This really shouldn't be a concern for me right now, as I'm still in the writing process, but I want to keep an eye on my length, because I already chopped a bit down before I had posted my first draft here.

3) I'm a bit crammed for room, so I had cut out the parts where I talked about social justice, especially for many victims of domestic abuse or the parents of the children I tutored (though they were not illegals, some employers were definitely taking advantage of them and their lack of knowledge of worker's rights and other laws). I personally felt like I was sounding a bit pretentious, as if I were an expert on these issues, so I cut it. But now, posters are telling me it's lost the "why law" aspect, which I don't disagree with at all. But with this topic (viewtopic.php?f=18&t=190511), I'm kinda confused. On the one hand, I understand that with my PS, I could probably conclude with saying that I want to be a vigilante (or a cop or teacher). But on the other, I still feel a bit pretentious writing about these issues that I've taken classes on, but am nowhere confident that I can write it in a way that won't eat up a ridiculous amount of space or sound at least a bit pretentious. Some guidance on this dilemma might help me out.




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