Critique my PS - Round 2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Critique my PS - Round 2

Postby californiauser » Sat Jul 28, 2012 9:36 pm

My first draft: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=188132

If you wouldn't mind giving my first draft a look over then reading what I have now, that'd be great. I decided to take it in a different direction.

It's still very rough and needs some restructuring, but you should still be able to get what I'm trying to do.

I kind of feel like it may not be "personal" enough. I also plan on writing a diversity statement about what I talk about in my first PS draft + my race.

This draft hasn't been edited at all, i'm primarily looking for criticism on content and purpose, thanks!

I thought to myself, ”this must be the coolest place on Earth,” as a starry eyed fifth grader, half of me in awe of the immaculate building surrounding me and the other half titillated that I was missing school for the day. As I walked hand-in-hand with my mother down the halls of Latham & Watkins LLP, for take your child to work day, my dreams of becoming the next Kobe Bryant or Barry Sanders fell to the wayside—replaced with a frivolous ambition of becoming a lawyer, and to inevitably work in a cool building—just like my mom. I boldly proclaimed to my mother that I had decided to forgo the NBA draft to become a lawyer instead, being the supportive mother that she is, she simply glanced at me and said, “OK XXX,” touched my head lightly and graced me one of those warm, comforting smiles that mothers always seem to effectuate so well—the perfect assurance that whatever I wanted to do, I could do it.

Unsurprisingly, my early ambitions of becoming an attorney subsided as my academic journey continued on through high school. By the end of my senior year I had no idea what I wanted to do, choosing a college and major was hard enough, but a career too? It seemed like an impossible task to ask of a seventeen year-old. During the winter-break of my senior year an opportunity presented itself that I still look back upon, to this day, and smile—I applied and was accepted to become a high-school intern at (government agency), a local government agency that regulates xxxxxxxx.

As a wide-eyed high school intern who had never used a copy machine, let alone knew what Microsoft Excel was, I began working full-time in the vastly undermanned xxxxxx division—on a multimillion xxxxxx program. During those two weeks of assisting project managers and analysts, I learned the internal protocols quickly for receiving xxxxx applications, processing xxxx numbers, and communicating with xxxxxx when pertinent information was missing from their applications. After my two-week internship in the Grants division, I joyously accepted an invitation to return the following summer to work as a full-time temporary employee.

Having now worked at the xxxxx every summer and winter break full-time since my initial internship as a high school senior, I’ve had the unique opportunity to work with a variety of professionals—who have all played a valuable part in shaping my career ambitions. I’ve been fortunate enough to work directly with a variety of extremely motivated and dedicated professionals during my time at the xxxx, including, but not limited to accountants, business managers, finance managers, human resource offices, the executive officer, grant writers, administrative analysts, counsel, contract lawyers, inspectors, xxx monitors, and engineers.

During the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college I had the opportunity to work with two attorneys while assisting in the human resources office. The first, an attorney we contracted from an outside agency, was investigating a case we had against a former security guard who was harassing and making violent threats on employees’ voicemails—I had the fastidious task of transcribing all the voicemails and putting them into an excel spreadsheet so we could pass it on to the attorney. The female attorney I worked with had an attention to detail that I had never previously encountered. It was her demeanor and meticulous dedication to her job that rekindled the flame in me that once burned brightly,in me, as a 5th grader—this time for the right reasons. The second, an EEOC attorney who was investigating a case a recent job applicant filed against us, met me once again with the same tenacity and diligence as the first. Their desire and demeanor about their writing and research is one I similarly demand from myself.

As someone who is always taking interest in xxxxx's programs and current events I have been able to follow many of the civil litigation cases our counsel is constantly engaged in—and usually wins. The legal department at xxxxx is small, but effective. They fight to ensure that companies and large corporations comply with the regulations the xxxxx has passed, and sometimes staves off suits from corporations represented by mega-firms. I greatly admire the work the do and hope one day to be fortunate enough to work as assistant counsel at xxxxx, or a small agency like it. What started as a potential resume filler has turned into an experience that has shaped my life ambitions, forged many personal and professional relationships, and motivated me to pursue a career in law.

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Re: Critique my PS - Round 2

Postby Halo » Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:21 am

Read: Anne Ivey's Guide to Law School Admissions.
She has some excellent advice on the 'do's and don'ts' for your PS. ... =anne+ivey

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Re: Critique my PS - Round 2

Postby CorkBoard » Sun Jul 29, 2012 3:12 pm

californiauser wrote: What started as a potential resume filler

This is pretty much what your PS reads like: a resume.

While this is cool and all, this PS topic is incredibly boring.

Start over.

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Re: Critique my PS - Round 2

Postby icecold3000 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 12:37 pm

The above posters are right. This is a textbook version of what not to do with a your personal statement.

Maybe you could elaborate on the summer between your sophomore and junior year of college; that looked to be your most promising highlight.

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