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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
VasaVasori
Posts: 573
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:36 pm

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Postby VasaVasori » Sat Jul 21, 2012 8:34 pm

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Last edited by VasaVasori on Sat May 02, 2015 10:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: programming PS

Postby CorkBoard » Mon Jul 23, 2012 9:02 am

I think you can use this topic, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit.

Some suggestions:

1. Avoid second person.

2. The bit about your volunteer organization is very randomly placed in here. Cut it or explain more.

3. Your conclusion is really weak. Cut the "if ever so slightly" or rework the paragraph entirely.

4. You've got some run-on sentences here that can be shortened.

5. Your introductory paragraph about magic is odd. I think you might want to remove the magic bit.




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