2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Haitisfinest101
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Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:38 pm

2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby Haitisfinest101 » Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:13 am

I want to study law in New York, Boston, or Florida. I was born in Haiti and these places have the biggest Haitian populations in North America.

Essay I
Born and raised in Haiti, a country where justice, equality, and economic opportunities are scarce, I have always had a great appreciation for the American ideal of freedom. As a child, I witnessed travesties that encouraged my hope for ‘something better’. I once saw a man burned alive because he asked for basic freedoms that we take for granted everyday; and I often saw people killed for small indiscretions, such as stealing food to feed their families. As a child I was caught stealing food from the market, I was taken to a local police station, where I was burned repeatedly on my back and arms.
Furthermore, in the wake of an impending United States invasion by the Clinton administration to remove a brutal Haitian regime, I saw firsthand what a government without checks and balances was capable of.  The soldiers rejected the impending dissolution of their power; and went on a killing rampage. They were notorious for killing people in every town they entered. One night, one of my neighbors screamed “the Haitian soldiers are coming our way.” In response, my mother and I, along with all of our neighbors left our homes in the middle of the night. At just a young age, I was moving from town to town (often passing dead bodies) to avoid death. My mother and I often slept anywhere people would take us in, and I recall one night in particular, when forty of us were huddled in a small room, afraid we were soon going to die. That night, our intermittent sleep was ended by footsteps, trucks and lights. We feared the worst—that the Haitian soldiers had discovered us—yet the noises turned out to be American soldiers on patrol. That was the first time I had seen an American face to face and the first time I had ever tasted a Hershey candy bar.
I will always be extremely grateful for the Americans soldiers who rescued us that night. Having witnessed so many travesties in the past led me to believe that that night was my last on earth. I have been both a witness and a victim to injustice by my own people. However, the compassion and courage I witnessed and felt from the Americans, gave me hope for something better.
That hope was given to me by my father, who had already established a life in the United States. After being immersed in the American way of life, I began to notice just how much Haiti could improve, if it had more effective leaders. In a way, I have always known I would be one of those leaders. In effect, my personal and professional goals are inextricably linked.
Although I often think back to the moments in my life which continue simultaneously to haunt and encourage me; the day those American soldiers rescued my mother and I was a day I will never forget. The day I tasted that chocolate bar was the day I knew I would make a difference.
I am looking for a means to connect my legal education with my strong commitment to humanitarian endeavors. And I believe that XXX Law School—with its strong tradition of preparing students to be effective community leaders, it’s Academic Success Program, and its proximity to one of the biggest Haitian population in the United States—can provide me with a strong foundation.  

jecthoma
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Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:43 pm

Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby jecthoma » Tue Jan 24, 2012 3:42 pm

I am not taking anything away from the injustices you and your family have faced, but I think that you should focus your story more. A lot of what you have provides a shock factor. I think maybe you should have an opening paragraph about the struggles you faced in Haiti and then go from there to talk about how this situation has helped you grow into a resilient person and what you have done since then to empower yourself and give back to those who didn't have a chance to escape. and talk about how those experiences have galvanized your pursuit of law school. I believe you have a great story to tell i just think it needs to be more focused and more about what you've done since you left Haiti. you talk about a "strong commitment to humanitarian endeavors". what types of community service projects or mentoring etc. have you done. Maybe incorporate one of those stories to parallel with your plight in Haiti. You say the school can give you a foundation but what foundation have you already started building to effect change?

Hope this helps.

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laxbrah420
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Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby laxbrah420 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 3:46 pm

The hershey's part is written in a manner that suggests seeing the american and getting the chocolate were independent events :lol:

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JoeMo
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Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby JoeMo » Tue Jan 24, 2012 3:49 pm

I'm going to contradict the previous poster.

The first part of your essay, the writing is kind of elementary. You have a much more polished style of writing towards the end of your essay. Something about the first couple of paragraphs just feels rushed to me.

But what I'm reading is that this was a very formative period in your time and law school adcomms will tell you they'd prefer you tell them of a moment in time rather than trying to tell too much but you must do it well. So just polish what you have a bit more.

I'm assuming that your educational pursuits and your resume will speak for your achievements since landing on American soil. If this is not correct than you do have to take the advice of the first poster and talk about them. But if they're clear from the other materials in your application then this should suffice.

Also are you applying for C/O 2015? Because you're extremely late at this point and I'd just hurry up and get my apps in if you are. Good luck.

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JoeMo
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Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby JoeMo » Tue Jan 24, 2012 3:50 pm

laxbrah420 wrote:The hershey's part is written in a manner that suggests seeing the american and getting the chocolate were independent events :lol:


credited. This is one of the errors I found when reading as well.

Haitisfinest101
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Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:38 pm

Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby Haitisfinest101 » Mon Jan 30, 2012 1:22 pm

-Thanks guys. To answer everyone’s question, I will be taking the LSAT in June, and apply in September.

- I want to start the essay with second paragraph, and use the additional space to talk about my experiences at the District Attorney, and my role as president of the Caribbean Student Association.

would this fit?

in 2007 I pursued an internship with the XXXXXXXX District Attorney’s Office. There I was able to do what I wish I could have done when I witnessed my mother being abused and that was to put the bad guys away or get that person help. If a defendant had multiple offenses, I would set the bail as high as the law and guidelines allowed, which was my way of protecting the victims. Furthermore, as the President of XX XXX University’s Caribbean Student Association, I not only tripled the group’s membership in one year, but I also held several events designed to both benefit and uplift those in need. One of those events was “Story of a Rape Survivor (SOARS),” to which I invited dozens of students of all races to hear a story about an African American woman reclaiming her self-esteem after being sexually assaulted in college by a member of a popular fraternity. Students were stimulated and educated on sexual assault and sexual assault prevention through live poetry, music, and profound photography.
Needless to say, the internship at the District Attorney’s Office and my role as President of the Caribbean Student Association, afforded me a myriad of opportunities to work with people who were directly involved in effecting positive change in people’s lives and for people who were victims of violent crimes

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laxbrah420
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Re: 2 end draft.. critics do your thing!! Leave helpful tips.

Postby laxbrah420 » Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:46 pm

No, that doesn't really work. You want to tell a story --what you've done is put your resume in paragraph form.




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