my personal statement pros/cons tell me what you think Forum

[Pacific Love]

I don’t have many people I can talk to about my long trek to ******* College. One reason is that my journey has been an intensely personal one. The other reason is that I am writing this from a former missionary outpost in the South Pacific, where I am finishing my second year as a volunteer with the United States Peace Corps.
It’s a busy life here. Yesterday, I ran a workshop to teach local school representatives and village leaders grant-writing skills so as to secure a supply of condoms to stem the growing A.I.D.S. threat. Tomorrow I will be teaching a class of non-native English speakers how to educate their own children in phonics. Next week, I am scheduled to lead a group of students in the painting of a world map mural before the onset of the monsoon season... weather permitting. I had no idea how much my reserves of endurance, persistence and flexibility would be tested but in the course of writing this essay I discovered that those qualities have been there all along.
As a boy, I never considered myself to be particularly strong though I faced many trials. Diagnosed in the first grade, with dyslexia and attention deficit disorder, much of my primary school years were spent playing catch up. I wasn’t athletic and the terms “husky”, “big boned” and “hefty” were applied coldly by friends and family while describing my physical stature. At nine, my father committed suicide and I quickly became frustrated with the world and my place in it. Instead of acting out, I suppressed my emotions and quietly chose not to deal with the issues that were quickly shaping my adolescent years.
It wasn’t until my freshman year of college, almost nine years after my father’s death that I found myself trying to make sense of my childhood. As open up the pages my past, I began unfortunately, to sink into a deep depression. For over two years, I grappled with accepting the loss of my father, which caused emotional strain and irreparable damage to my academic career.
During the summer of 2004, after two years of study, I moved home from college. As a student, I felt I had lost my sense of direction. Rather than continuing with college right away, I took a semester off to take a long, hard look at my options and myself. To pay the bills, I found a job as a press operator at a local screen printer. One day, while printing T-shirts for a 40th wedding anniversary, I came to a realization. By allowing the events of the past to hold me prisoner, I had been wasting my life. I needed to make a change. From that moment forward, I promised myself that I would make the most of my life.
More than five years later I am still striving to fulfill that promise. Since that day, I graduated from ******** College, backpacked throughout the Pacific, served as a volunteer in AmeriCorps*NCCC, completed a teaching fellowship, and joined the Peace Corps. With each new experience, I have learned more about myself and what I am passionate about. Now at this stage in my life, I seek greater challenge from a profession that allows me to utilize my life experiences, my commitment to service, and my passion for education.
I am applying to ******** College of Law with an interest in the practice of law as it relates to education. I hope to serve as general counsel for a nonprofit organization based in education reform. My diverse work background, proven adaptability and teaching certification provide a solid foundation to handle the demands faced in the ever-evolving world of education. As a Trio talent search tutor with Southern University, I worked to lift the achievement of students, one student at a time. As a middle-school English teacher in the Recovery School District, I attempted to lift a community one classroom at a time. As a selector for the same teaching fellowship from which I graduated, I helped ensure that future fellows would do the same. By pursuing a law degree, I hope to enter a profession that aligns my skills and competitive spirit with my passion for academic equality.

[llachans]

Lose the contractions.

It also seems like it bounces around and rushes through events as if you're approaching your PS as a timeline instead of focusing on a specific theme and developing that as well as you can.

[aj1724]

I like this, but I think that it isn't necessarily what admissions officers will be looking for. Have you considered that maybe mentioning the events of your past would better serve the objectives of a ps if you use them to develop and expand on a single theme? For example, you say in the last paragraph that you want to practice law relating to education because of your love of teaching (which I can totally relate to - I'm a SpEd teacher). Maybe this could be the theme of your essay and you could use your experiences to articulate it? Just a suggestion. Best of luck!