My rough draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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john1990
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My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:00 am

Here is my second draft. MY THIRD DRAFT CAN BE FOUND IN POST 15,THIS IS FOR MY RECORDS

Booker Washington once said “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed”. While I reflect upon my academic career and my life through the lens of Booker Washington’s wisdom, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. My quest for knowledge has endured through a gauntlet of enormous obstacles. However, my absolute thirst for that same knowledge has successfully fueled my efforts throughout college. Moreover, I believe that in some circumstances, extraordinary situations can help someone grow as a human being.
As I enjoy my senior year at the University at Albany I often look back on my life and evaluate the many challenging experiences that I have prevailed through. There is one life experience that strikes me as particularly important. This is the occasion when I was fortunate enough to come to the aid of one of my neighbors when she was in need. This experience tested my ability to act quickly and keep a level head under great stress.
I was 18 years old and a freshman at my local community college. I was experiencing an education for the first time since dropping out of high school in the tenth grade to help support my mother. My mother was (and is) divorced, permanently disabled, and legally blind. We had been living together in a trailer since her separation when I was twelve years old. Since we had no car I had been biking over 10 miles every day to and from school: rain, sun, or snow. Therefore I was always tired, and I could not concentrate on my work under that burden. Because of this when I was eighteen years old I was forced to move out of the trailer and leave my three siblings behind to tend to my mother.
I was able to find affordable housing alone; however, my new apartment was located in the ghetto of Schenectady. It was above a liquor store next to a bar and a funeral home. Obviously this was not the best living arrangement. However, I was used to living in subpar conditions and I thought that I could make my time there perfectly uneventful. I was wrong. Introduce sarah
One evening in the winter of 2008 as studied at my living room desk, after biking the necessary 2 mile round trip to and from school in the oppressive snow filled upstate New York streets, I overheard a man enter the common hallway of my apartment building. Moments later, I heard him kick Sarah’s door in. Soon I heard loud thudding noises as she was beaten and thrown into the walls of her home.
I immediately phoned the police. But, after a few moments of listening to her cries, I decided to take action. I burst into the hallway and pounded on her door in an attempt to reason with this attacker, but he simply ignored my calls. The situation looked bleak, but I refused to give up and let this injustice stand. So I took a step back, took a deep breath, and rushed the door.
As the door flung open, I went into a crouch and sprinted to the left while looking over my right shoulder with wide eyes to see a man I’d never met before on top of my neighbor. He was still beating her. I ran over, and placed my shoe on the back of his head. He seemed oblivious, as if he hadn’t even heard me breaking in the door. Fortunately, as he lay over her with the sole of my foot on his head, he surrendered.
The wait for the police to arrive was long and awkward. I watched the suspect vacillate between states of anxiety, depression, and violence. Fortunately, I was able to take charge of the situation by speaking with him and even advising him. He informed me that he had broken into the apartment to reclaim an expensive cell phone which Sarah had allegedly taken from him. I seized the phone from him and dialed the contact which was listed as “mother” since id met Sarah’s mom before. I immediately recognized Sarah’s mother’s voice. Her mom thanked me for calling, and confirmed that this was Sarah’s phone.
I hung up the phone, and attempted to downplay the entire scenario to the intruder. I actually succeeded in persuading him to sit and wait for the police to respond. I told him “Don’t worry we’ll get this whole cell phone thing figured out”. Unfortunately, I was unable to comfort his victim as she lay silently weeping for a time that seemed indefinite.
Finally, I heard the police come through the main door in the hallway. I stood up briskly and walked over to the apartment’s mangled front door. As I glanced through the open doorway I was relieved to see four or so officers climbing the narrow stairwell to her apartment. I quickly explained the situation to the officer at the front of the line, and left the scene to the rest of them. I knew that they would be better able to carry out justice with me out of the way.
When I got back into my apartment I immediately resumed studying for my upcoming exams. I cannot recall Which subject I was studying for because my mind was racing. As I studied, I could not stop from overhearing the investigation in the hallway which seemed to be ongoing for hours. They were unimpressed with the intruder’s story. I knew at this moment that I wanted to be a lawyer so that I could help people.
I did not sleep that night and left early the next morning to rest in the school library. I was still in the library later that evening when I received a phone call from my landlord, Rich. Rich told me that my neighbor was safely relocated, and that the locks on the main doors had been changed. When I returned to my apartment I was somewhat worried that I might be targeted by the attacker or one of his friends at some point. Fortunately, I never saw him again.
Last edited by john1990 on Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:46 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:01 am

john1990 wrote:I know the last paragraph needs a lot of work! :oops:


this is not part of the essay :wink:

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ilovesf
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Re: My rough draft

Postby ilovesf » Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:04 am

is that your name at the top? you might want to edit that out

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Tue Oct 18, 2011 1:07 am

ilovesf wrote:is that your name at the top? you might want to edit that out

Thanks, i removed it

CanadianWolf
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Re: My rough draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:15 am

"They were unimpressed with the intruder's story." = This is my favorite line.

"I knew at this moment that I wanted to be a lawyer, to help people." I guess we now know why judges have gavels.

"...mangled door", not "...mingled door."

CanadianWolf
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Re: My rough draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:23 am

Clearly, this is not another run-of-the-mill "why I want to become a lawyer" essay. Your personal statement is interesting & memorable. I hope that you have the courage to submit it in its current form (after some minor corrections) because I think that you will be pleased with the results. Thank you for sharing this insight into your life.

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Kess
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Re: My rough draft

Postby Kess » Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:08 am

This is a great story. You might want to make some minor adjustments with sentence structure/word choice, but overall I'd say you're in good shape.

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fltanglab
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Re: My rough draft

Postby fltanglab » Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:37 am

I really like the story. Good pick. I agree the conclusion needs a little bit of work. Perhaps keeping the mood at the same level at the end of your story until the end would be best.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:03 pm

Kess wrote:This is a great story. You might want to make some minor adjustments with sentence structure/word choice, but overall I'd say you're in good shape.


Yea i know, i have already made some changes and ill be posting a second draft during the weekend, probably after i get my LSAT score back :mrgreen:
For now, where do you think i need to reword/structure? I really want this paper to flow well so any adjustments you have would be helpful.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:05 pm

fltanglab wrote:I really like the story. Good pick. I agree the conclusion needs a little bit of work. Perhaps keeping the mood at the same level at the end of your story until the end would be best.


Yea im leaning in that direction. I think i could consolidate everything i say in the last paragraph into the rest of the story. The only part that needs to be kept is why i want to be a lawyer. I talked to a dozen reps from law schools and a few want that in your PS :o

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Kess
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Re: My rough draft

Postby Kess » Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:27 pm

john1990 wrote:
Kess wrote:This is a great story. You might want to make some minor adjustments with sentence structure/word choice, but overall I'd say you're in good shape.


Yea i know, i have already made some changes and ill be posting a second draft during the weekend, probably after i get my LSAT score back :mrgreen:
For now, where do you think i need to reword/structure? I really want this paper to flow well so any adjustments you have would be helpful.


I was a little confused, at first, when reading the bit about Sarah's mother. How did you recognize her voice? Have you met her mother before?

Overall though, I can't say there is anything wrong with your personal statement. I'm looking forward to seeing your revamped concluding paragraph.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:54 pm

Kess wrote:
john1990 wrote:
Kess wrote:This is a great story. You might want to make some minor adjustments with sentence structure/word choice, but overall I'd say you're in good shape.


Yea i know, i have already made some changes and ill be posting a second draft during the weekend, probably after i get my LSAT score back :mrgreen:
For now, where do you think i need to reword/structure? I really want this paper to flow well so any adjustments you have would be helpful.


I was a little confused, at first, when reading the bit about Sarah's mother. How did you recognize her voice? Have you met her mother before?

Overall though, I can't say there is anything wrong with your personal statement. I'm looking forward to seeing your revamped concluding paragraph.


I deleted my original post and replaced it with my second draft, so you can check out the revised version in the first post of this thread.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:54 pm

here is the 2-page version. I just spent 15 minutes cutting up the 3 page version

Booker Washington once said “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed”. While I reflect upon my academic career and my life through the lens of Booker Washington’s wisdom, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. My quest for knowledge has endured through a gauntlet of enormous obstacles. However, my absolute thirst for that same knowledge has successfully fueled my efforts throughout college.
As I enjoy my senior year at the University at Albany I often look back on my life and evaluate the many challenging experiences that I have prevailed through. There is one life experience that strikes me as particularly important. This is the occasion when I was fortunate enough to come to the aid of one of my neighbors when she was in need.
I was 18 years old and a freshman at my local community college. I was experiencing an education for the first time since dropping out of high school in the tenth grade to help support my mother. My mother was (and is) divorced, permanently disabled, and legally blind. We had been living together in a trailer since her separation when I was twelve years old. Since we had no car I had been biking over 10 miles every day to and from school: rain, sun, or snow. Therefore I was always tired, and I could not concentrate on my work under that burden. Because of this when I was eighteen years old I was forced to move out of the trailer and leave my three siblings behind to tend to my mother.
I was able to find affordable housing alone; however, my new apartment was located in the ghetto of Schenectady. It was above a liquor store next to a bar and a funeral home. However, I was used to living in subpar conditions and I thought that I could make my time there perfectly uneventful. I was wrong. Introduce sarah
One evening in the winter of 2008 as studied at my living room desk, I overheard a man enter the hallway of my apartment building. Moments later, I heard him kick my neighbor’s door in. I heard loud thudding noises as she was beaten and thrown into the walls of her home. I immediately phoned the police. But, after a few moments of listening to her cries, I decided to take action. I burst into the hallway and pounded on her door in an attempt to reason with this attacker, but he simply ignored my calls. The situation looked bleak, but I refused to give up and let this injustice stand. So I took a step back, took a deep breath, and rushed the door.
The door flung open and I saw a man I’d never met before on top of my neighbor. He was still beating her. I ran over, and pressed my foot to the back of his head. He seemed oblivious to me, as if he hadn’t even heard me breaking in the door. Fortunately, as he lay over her with the sole of my foot on his head, he surrendered.
The wait for the police to arrive was long and awkward. I watched the suspect teeter between states of anxiety, depression, and violence. Fortunately, I was able to take charge of the situation by speaking with him and even advising him.
Finally, I heard the police come through the main door in the hallway. I stood up briskly and walked over to the apartment’s mangled front door. I quickly explained the situation to the officers at the door, and left the scene to them. I knew that they would be better able to carry out justice with me out of the way.
When I returned to my apartment I immediately resumed studying for my upcoming exams. I cannot recall which subject I was studying for because my mind was racing. As I studied, I overheard the investigation in the hallway which seemed to be ongoing for hours. They were unimpressed with the intruder’s story. I knew at this moment that I wanted to be a lawyer so that I could help people.

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:55 am

bump for 2nd draft

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:45 pm

here is my third draft

Booker Washington once said “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed”. While I reflect upon my academic career and my life through the lens of Booker Washington’s wisdom, I feel a great sens\e of accomplishment. My quest for knowledge has endured through a gauntlet of enormous obstacles. One experience strikes me as particularly important: On this occasion, I was fortunate enough to come to the aid of one of my neighbors when she was in need.
I was 18 years old and a freshman at my local community college. I was experiencing an education for the first time since dropping out of high school in the tenth grade to help support my mother who is permanently disabled and legally blind. We had been living together in a trailer since her separation when I was twelve years old. Since we had no car I resorted to biking over ten miles every day to and from school in the oppressive snow filled streets. I soon realized at age eighteen that I would have to move into the city to facilitate my education, and leave my three siblings behind to tend to my mother.
I was able to find affordable housing alone. However, my new apartment was located in the ghetto of Schenectady. It was above a liquor store next to a bar and a funeral home. However, I was used to living in subpar conditions and I thought that I could make my time there perfectly uneventful. I was wrong.
One evening in the winter of 2008 as I enjoyed my studies at my living room desk, I overheard a man enter the common hallway of my apartment building. Moments later, I heard him kick in my neighbor Sarah’s door. Soon I heard loud thudding noises as she was beaten and thrown into the walls of her home.
I immediately phoned the police. Standing in my living room, though, I could still hear the attack below me, the ongoing assault echoing through the common hallway, and as I held the dead receiver in my hand, I knew it was unconscionable to simply stand by. I burst into the hallway and pounded on her door in an attempt to reason with this attacker, but he simply ignored my calls. The situation looked bleak, but I refused to give up and let this injustice stand and let this girl suffer needlessly. So I took a step back, took a deep breath, and rushed the door.
I felt the door cave against my weight, and as I came into Sarah’s living room I surveyed the apartment. I was confronted with a ransacked living room, at the center of which a man lay atop my downstairs neighbor. He was still assaulting her and oblivious to me despite my loud entry. I ran over, applied moderate pressure to the back of his skull. Fortunately, as he lay over her with the sole of my foot on his head, he surrendered.
The wait for the police to arrive was long and awkward. I watched the suspect vacillate between states of anxiety, depression, and violence. Fortunately, I was able to take charge of the situation by calming him. He informed me that he had broken into the apartment to reclaim an expensive cell phone which Sarah had allegedly taken from him. I seized the phone from him and dialed the contact “mother” since I’d met Sarah’s mom before, and immediately recognized Sarah’s mother’s voice.
I hung up the phone, and attempted to downplay the entire scenario to the intruder. I actually succeeded in persuading him to sit and wait for the police to respond. I told him “Don’t worry we’ll get this whole cell phone thing figured out”. Unfortunately, I was unable to comfort his victim as she lay silently weeping for a time that seemed indefinite.
Finally, I heard the police come through the main door in the hallway. I stood up briskly and walked over to the apartment’s mangled front door. As I glanced through the open doorway I was relieved to see four or so officers climbing the narrow stairwell to her apartment. I quickly explained the situation to the officer at the front of the line, and left the scene to the rest of them. I knew that they would be better able to carry out justice with me out of the way.
When I got back into my apartment I immediately resumed studying for my upcoming exams. I cannot recall which subject I was studying for because my mind was racing. As I studied, I could not stop from overhearing the investigation in the hallway which seemed to be ongoing for hours. They were unimpressed with the intruder’s story. I knew at this moment that I wanted to be a lawyer so that I could help people.
I did not sleep that night and left early the next morning to rest in the school library. I was still in the library later that evening when I received a phone call from my landlord, Rich. Rich told me that my neighbor was safely relocated, and that the locks on the main doors had been changed. When I returned to my apartment I was somewhat worried that I might be targeted by the attacker or one of his friends at some point. Fortunately, I never saw him again.

twentie4hrs
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Re: My rough draft

Postby twentie4hrs » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:17 am

I am mind blocked by this personal statement thing....what are they looking for from me?

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john1990
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Re: My rough draft

Postby john1990 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:20 pm

They just want a personal story that will reflect your character and values. This will probably answer the questions, Why do you want to go to law school? Also, why should they take you?




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