Please Critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sfamor
Posts: 52
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:27 pm

Please Critique!

Postby sfamor » Sun Oct 16, 2011 10:48 pm

Taking down for edits, thanks for the critiques- I think I'm gonna start over tomorrow!!
Last edited by sfamor on Mon Oct 17, 2011 3:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

LawSchoolGuru
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:56 am

Re: please critique!

Postby LawSchoolGuru » Sun Oct 16, 2011 11:51 pm

This is an awesome personal statement and I love how everything in your background fits. Granted, it is too long to be a 2-page personal statement, and I think you need to make some major revisions. First of all, the personal statement is not your resume, so you do not need to list all the different things you did in the second paragraph. I feel like your greatest experience comes with Berkeley and post-graduation, so focus your story on those two aspects and how they changed you as a person. You are a great writer.

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MrKappus
Posts: 1685
Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2009 2:46 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby MrKappus » Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:20 am

Things like "I interface significantly" = :roll:

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please Critique!

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:49 am

This is a resume regurgitation.

What does it mean for your world view to expand? Do you mean you refined or changed your world view? And how so?

Drop the overuse of the passive voice.

Post-graduation with my new masters degree in hand, I went to work as a public child welfare worker, first on the front end where I investigated allegations of abuse and neglect and sought legal action in the juvenile dependency court where required to keep children safe and now in my current position where I provide support and oversight to families who continue to have a juvenile dependency case due to substantiated abuse or neglect, but where the children were able to safely return home after the parents underlying issues were addressed and remedied.
I had to double check to make sure this was one sentence. You are using one sentence to describe two jobs that you did. Plus you use the word "where" four times in one sentence. You don't see that everyday. :wink:

Start over.




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