Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

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pip pip cheerio
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Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby pip pip cheerio » Sun Sep 04, 2011 5:21 pm

My official position as an AmeriCorps VISTA at the Michigan Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative (MPRI) was the social activities coordinator. MPRI is a non-profit that is primarily funded by the Michigan Department of Justice and connects recently released ex-prisoners with community resources in order to ease the transition to society and to reduce recidivism. It was my job to create and find events for our clients to attend, since studies have shown that social interaction and networking help connect ex-offenders to their community and reduce recidivism. Although I initially faced challenges of underwhelming participation, I implemented common sense approaches by increasing interest through advertising, creating a database of contact information to facilitate reminder calls, and only hosting activities on major bus lines.

After I increased my efficiency, I found I had a lot of extra time on my hands. So when my supervisor asked if anyone could do a special project for her, I jumped at the opportunity. The first task was simple—research a new community service organization and determine if we could form a relationship. I read articles, spoke with the head of the non-profit about partnership opportunities, and synthesized the relevant information into a succinct summary my busy supervisor had time to read.

My boss appreciated my work and started assigning me more side projects. I began reading journal articles she was interested in, but did not have the time to critically read. I relished the opportunity to examine the studies for methodological errors, exaggerated findings, or conclusions unsupported by the evidence. I was also tasked with designing new databases where information was easy to input and manipulate into viable data.

When I started working at MPRI, I planned on applying to social work schools and becoming a counselor. I thought I would gain the most enjoyment working directly with the participants, but I soon developed a passion for the behind-the-scenes research and creating contacts with other non-profits. Consequently I was very excited to work on my final project—writing a federal grant. My only instructions were to use a grant proposal to get the clients in our housing program computers and internet access. Everything else was up to me.

Using the skills I developed earlier in my internship, I found journal articles to support my argument, I received quotes for the necessary hardware and services, and I familiarized myself with technological advances in networking that would lead to decreased cost and increased sustainability. I compiled all of my research into what ended up being my first federal grant, and my realization that my interests and talents lay outside of counseling. I enjoyed searching for relevant articles, ensuring my solution fit the grant's parameters, and fixing my own loopholes. After working at MPRI, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.

Since my internship at MPRI, I have relentlessly researched law school and law careers. My interest for the law has only strengthened, and I hope to apply my passion, skills, and unique experiences to xxxx. I have visited xxxx frequently and cannot think of a better place to call home the next three years.

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Re: Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:18 pm

While it's decently-written (structure, grammar, etc.) I learn almost nothing about you as a person that I can't get from your resume. This is not a personal statement. Pick one or two things you've mentioned and go into more depth. Bring some emotion into it. Show the reader your feelings, motivations, and what you learned. Use pathos, suspense, humor, or anything else you feel like. Draw the reader in, tell them a story about a piece of your life, teach them something about yourself, and make them like you.

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kaftka juice
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Re: Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby kaftka juice » Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:25 pm

I agree with the last poster. I'm pretty terrible at writing narratively, so I can't really tell you how, but you do need to write it a bit more personally. I don't think you need to scrap the whole ps, but you definitely need to add some more about you as a person.

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Re: Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:38 pm

This essay needs to be rewritten. Very poorly done. Do you have access to a college or university writing center ? If so, consider using that resource.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby kwais » Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:50 pm

total agreement with all the above. will only add one thing. the manner in which you keep referring to 'journal articles' seems weird, like you're trying to establish credibility. There has got to be a better way to do this

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Re: Pretty rough draft, tear it apart

Postby TheFutureLawyer » Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:52 pm

Agreed that it reads too much like a resume, and also the last bit about law school feels way too much like it was thrown in at the last second because it's something you think you had to include.

Talk less about the job itself and more about how the experience affected you on a personal level (not to say you didn't do this at all, but not very much).

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