The Drawing Board

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
PJG70
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:47 pm

The Drawing Board

Postby PJG70 » Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:10 am

Hey everyone, I'm thinking about turning the following story into my primary personal statement, but it still needs 100% of its direction. I've got a few ideas as to where I'd like it to go, but I'd like to hear a few opinions before I start working on it more. Thanks in advance.


The social issue that concerns me most is funding medical research, particularly for Alzheimer’s.

Back when I was six, my friend Bobby’s grandfather used to take us fishing. Bobby’s grandfather was full of stories. There was one story he’d love to tell fishermen he just met. “Back when I used to scuba dive, I took out at a shark with my bare hands by punching its gills.” Neither Bobby nor I were sure if the story is true, but we were amazed by his vivid details.

Now, at twenty-three, I see a different man. When I visit Bobby’s family, we don’t hear stories about his grandfather’s scuba trips. I’ll be lucky if he even remembers me. In fact, he even has a difficulty remembering his own grandson. This is because Bobby’s grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

The disease has robbed Bobby’s grandfather of independence, thus he needs assistance 24/7. It would cost a staggering $84,000 a year to place him in an assisted living facility. Since Bobby’s grandparents cannot afford this, his parents allowed them to move in. Shortly after the move, the disease had gotten so bad that Bobby’s grandmother had to leave her job to care for her husband.

The 5.1 million Americans with this disease are finding themselves in a similar situation as Bobby’s family. Raising money for medical research is integral to both finding a cure and preventing the disease from happening.

I’ve addressed this issue by developing a fund raising walk on the University of New Hampshire campus that is inclusive to students and the community. Through promoting the event in the media, I have gathered over 500 participants, which amounted to roughly $1,000 in donations. The funds raised will be donated to researching and funding Alzheimer’s related matters.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: The Drawing Board

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:19 pm

The way you have laid this out it is more about the grandfather and using pathos to call for greater alzheimers research. I would veer away from a position paper on alzheimers research. The better topic would really be you solving a problem that personally impacted you, but that seems almost tangential to what this piece is doing.

I would shift the focus to you, using the grandfather to draw out the themes of problems lying just below the surface and/or the high cost of doing nothing. Address how your awareness has motivated you, that you cannot see a problem and just leave it behind you. That it is about more than the gf, but about the problem as a whole.




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