Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ilove_toshop
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:52 am

Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby ilove_toshop » Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:31 am

thanks all
Last edited by ilove_toshop on Fri Mar 04, 2011 2:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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fltanglab
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:44 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby fltanglab » Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:49 am

I'm not too fond of your colloquial writing style and I think it lacks the sophistication needed for a great PS. However, what's more concerning is the content. I think you should try and deliver a more poignant message and incorporate more emotions in your essay. All I can think after reading your essay is "so what?" Answer the "so what" with a convincing argument and you'll have adcomms sold.

Also, too much re-hashing of your resume. A good PS will be able to take a segment of your resume and shape it into a compelling story rather than gloss over your somewhat-related-to-helping-people list of activities.

glacierfrost
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:58 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby glacierfrost » Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:52 am

Who is Albert Bandura?

ilove_toshop
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:52 am

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby ilove_toshop » Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:58 am

glacierfrost wrote:Who is Albert Bandura?


psychologist---social learning theory, theory of self-efficacy

Anomaly
Posts: 151
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby Anomaly » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:04 am

I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.

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fltanglab
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:44 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby fltanglab » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:05 am

Anomaly wrote:I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.


Can't believe I didn't mention that also...but that was also my first impression.

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Leira7905
Posts: 384
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:42 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby Leira7905 » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:25 am

Anomaly wrote:I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.


This.

ilove_toshop
Posts: 27
Joined: Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:52 am

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby ilove_toshop » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:28 am

thanks for the feedback everyone!

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fltanglab
Posts: 555
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:44 pm

Re: Please Read My Statement :) I wil <3<3<3 you forever

Postby fltanglab » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:30 am

I just understood where your "once upon a time" was coming from (not a good thing....most people won't randomly remember why).

If you want to thread the theme of a broken fairy tale into your essay, it has to have a stronger presence. More set-up, more dramatic tear-down. I think with your level of writing you should ditch the idea, however. It's something that even I (as a well-accomplished English major) would be hesitant to attempt. Also there are some frames that should not be done for admissions essays and this one is a good example.




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