Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JoeShmoe11
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Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:48 am

Removed to rewrite - THANKS FOR ALL THOSE THAT GAVE ME INPUT!
Last edited by JoeShmoe11 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

sparty99
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby sparty99 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:07 am

I think it's decent. I would like to hear a little less about your siblings, however. Specifically, what you call the twins. This is about YOU, not them. You need to SHOW how having three brothers/sisters taught you time management, priorities, etc. Also, talk a little bit more about the business. Did you have to read laws about the internet?

I would try to write a diversity statement and have that be focused on your interest in public law.

There are a number of grammar mistakes in your essay. You need to go to your writing center and have it reviewed by a professional.

sparty99
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby sparty99 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:10 am

I'm not a fan of "covered in gunk." Were you actually in the room for the birth? Can you forgoe that description? I think the admissions people might be turned off by it. Especially considering what the "gunk" really is.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:18 am

sparty99 wrote:I think it's decent. I would like to hear a little less about your siblings, however. Specifically, what you call the twins. This is about YOU, not them. You need to SHOW how having three brothers/sisters taught you time management, priorities, etc. Also, talk a little bit more about the business. Did you have to read laws about the internet?

I would try to write a diversity statement and have that be focused on your interest in public law.

There are a number of grammar mistakes in your essay. You need to go to your writing center and have it reviewed by a professional.


Thank you for those tips. They are very helpful, particularly regarding the internet laws. I'll focus more on myself.

Should I remove the last paragraph and turn that into a diversity statement or should I not address the school directly?

sparty99
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby sparty99 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:32 am

Honestly, I'm not sure. But what I would be concerned (if I was in admissions) is that you would have to go back home to take care of your siblings if your mother had another kid or something. As a result, you end up dropping out of law school!

You have highlighted this issue with your current siblings, but you need to be damn sure that the admissions people don't think the same thing......

I would kinda rather you use this child essay as your diversity statement, but I think you will definitely need to have another statement that shows your interest in law. It's not clear as to why you are going to law school or what you plan on actually doing with the degree. This doesn't always have to be stated as sometimes someone's qualifications can speak for themselves (or the essay), but I don't get that with the essay theme you have chosen. And I don't get (with your essay alone), that you would actually perform well in a law school environment. You can change my mind if you talk less about your family and more on how you help raised kids while starting a successful business, performing well in school, etc....Time management is a big part in law school. The theme you chose to write about can really exploit that you have it.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:46 am

sparty99 wrote:Honestly, I'm not sure. But what I would be concerned (if I was in admissions) is that you would have to go back home to take care of your siblings if your mother had another kid or something. As a result, you end up dropping out of law school!

You have highlighted this issue with your current siblings, but you need to be damn sure that the admissions people don't think the same thing......

I would kinda rather you use this child essay as your diversity statement, but I think you will definitely need to have another statement that shows your interest in law. It's not clear as to why you are going to law school or what you plan on actually doing with the degree. This doesn't always have to be stated as sometimes someone's qualifications can speak for themselves (or the essay), but I don't get that with the essay theme you have chosen. And I don't get (with your essay alone), that you would actually perform well in a law school environment. You can change my mind if you talk less about your family and more on how you help raised kids while starting a successful business, performing well in school, etc....Time management is a big part in law school. The theme you chose to write about can really exploit that you have it.


Your input is very much appreciated and I'll definitely consider your comments. It's funny that you would say it would make a good diversity statement because it originally was one.

My qualifications do not alone speak for my interest in law - I have experience with a superior court judge but thats my only legal extracurricular so I think my essay should address that.

I may turn this into my diversity statement but I'd like a more feedback.

quetzal_bird
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby quetzal_bird » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:30 am

I think the entrepreneurship is a more interesting and stronger theme than child care

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:34 am

quetzal_bird wrote:I think the entrepreneurship is a more interesting and stronger theme than child care


I'm thinking about editing and shuffling this a bit and focusing on my entrepreneurialism for my actual personal statement. Do you think that might be more solid?

quetzal_bird
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby quetzal_bird » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:35 am

yes

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:36 am

quetzal_bird wrote:yes


Or rather, shuffling and editing this to make it a DS. Sorry for the confusion.

Plan2008
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby Plan2008 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:00 pm

I'd scratch the raising a family story. It's not believable. Im not saying it didn't happen, but if it did it is a little creepy. Your mom remarries and starts a second family with a man who owns a medical practice and you have to raise their kids and pay for your own expenses? WTF? Something doesn't add up. Although, I do know some people are narcissistic, like my mother in law (hehe), I just find this whole thing a stretch.

Sorry to offend if that is what I did.

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JoeShmoe11
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Re: Please Critique My Essay - I'll Return the Favor!

Postby JoeShmoe11 » Tue Jan 11, 2011 3:15 pm

Plan2008 wrote:I'd scratch the raising a family story. It's not believable. Im not saying it didn't happen, but if it did it is a little creepy. Your mom remarries and starts a second family with a man who owns a medical practice and you have to raise their kids and pay for your own expenses? WTF? Something doesn't add up. Although, I do know some people are narcissistic, like my mother in law (hehe), I just find this whole thing a stretch.

Sorry to offend if that is what I did.


No no I appreciate the honesty. I think I may have used a few poor word choices and made it seem like my mom just dumped the kids on me. I'm gonna go through and try to make it seem more like I wanted to spend time with my new siblings and help my mom out and less like I was forced into being a slave.

Do you think the theme of family is okay if I make the changes I mentioned?




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