Help- Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Reds622
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2010 4:42 pm

Help- Personal Statement

Postby Reds622 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:05 pm

I think I might have my final draft, please let me know what you guys think. I am willing to swap with anyone as well if they are willing to provide me with their opinion. Again please please critique. Thanks!


Both reflection and jurisprudence pay homage to the ominous ghost of precedence. Each retreats into the "done" so that the next round of "doing" may be less mistake-laden, less prone to the exigencies, vissicitudes and serendipity of both life and law. When the two meet, when the multitude of reflections that the flesh is heir to, be they intellectual, emotional or artistic in scope all seem best expressed through a particular discipline, i.e. the study and practice of law, one looks for answers. In my own case, at least, I did not look far.
In 1991, at the impressionable age of six, my father packed us all into the family car and drove to Washington, D.C., where we could witness his friend, and my Godfather XXXXXXXXXX, Esq., argue a case before the United States Supreme Court. County of Riverside v. McLaughlin, 500 U.S. 44 (1991). Even today, articulating the event describing the limits of language more accurately than he does the awe and wonder that enveloped and permeated me. The grandeur, the scale, can only be described as biblical; King David and his own Sanhedrin establishing the law of the land.
Alas, my next familiar encounter with the law were neither awe-inspiring nor filled with wander, but full of abject terror, fear and uncertainty. The very same father who had introduced me to the majesty of law was now firmly enmeshed in the jaws of justice which would ultimately indict, convict and devour him, and give him nine months to consider the error of his ways. In distilling those years that followed my father's imprisonment, they seem now to me less noticeable for their loss, shame and hardship endured than as testament to my seemingly innate and instilled love of everything connected to the term "legal." At that time in my life, I believed my father completely guilty because he had been adjudged guilty by an institution I deemed infallible. The guilt that particular feeling engendered and the hard-won wisdom it imparted is mostly another story. My eyes were eventually opened to the atrocities that all our institutions including our flawed legal system are subject to when left to their own devices (my father not being one of them as he was indeed guilty as charged) and far from deterring my love for all legal, it honed my intellect and gave me a purpose and a path.
That path now leads me to your door. It has been a somewhat circuitous route as I have worked the last two years to help prepare myself for this opportunity, and feel more worldly and maybe a little wiser for the effort. I have the intelligence to succeed in my chosen endeavor and the will to put that intelligence to the grindstone.
My need to study and practice law has its roots in my heart. The mind came along later as an effective and willing appendage. It is my fervent hope to one day practice law with both compassion and skill. I would consider it an honor and privilege to acquire that skill at your university as a member of your next incoming class.

lawgirl10
Posts: 35
Joined: Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Re: Help- Personal Statement

Postby lawgirl10 » Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:06 am

You need to reword/take out that entire first paragraph.

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ScarryBakhtin
Posts: 101
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:19 pm

Re: Help- Personal Statement

Postby ScarryBakhtin » Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:20 am

There were numerous moments in that I enjoyed, points at which your diction served you well, your storyline became relevant and your unique personality peaked through.

But I need to see a lot more of that. King David didn't have a Sanhedrin - I studied talmud and bible for the first 18 years of my life. The court of the Jews wasn't referred to as the synhedrion (I use the Greek spelling for emphasis) until Hellenism rolled around. Even if he did, though, it wouldn't have anything to do with your unique profile.

I want more of you and less of the dramatization. Your inclination to use powerful language is good, but don't reach too far. Less is sometimes more.

When it comes to you, though, I need more. MUCH more. I don't want to know about what in life had an impression on you, I want to know how you made an impression on the world. How you will use law to make an impression on others.

I work at a writing center and have experience giving feedback on essays. PM me if you want more directed feedback. There is certainly potential.

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verklempt
Posts: 115
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Re: Help- Personal Statement

Postby verklempt » Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:13 am

Try to write about yourself, not your father. He's not the applicant.

I don't mind a good vocabulary, but the language used in this PS is way overblown. Sounds pretentious, not authentic. Don't try to be someone else in your PS -- it's just not a very effective technique for reasons that I shouldn't have to spell out.




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