READ ME critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:26 am

READ ME critique

Postby fakhrzad » Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:09 pm

-This is my first draft but I am really trying to get this off the ground
- Any advice would be great!
-General Themes or specific sentences :)

The sun shone brightly giving the effect of twinkling stars all around me. My skin was glistening in the heat. It was a dazzling summer day on the French Riviera or Cote d’Azur, but this enchanting day had just taken an unexpected detour for me. I was barely fifteen years old, standing at the intersection of Rue Beaumont and Avenue de la Republique watching the metro pull away, a combination of fear and confusion flooding my body. Having arrived in Nice less than 48 hours earlier to study abroad for the summer, I was taking the metro from my host family’s apartment to EF International Language School for my first day of classes. I had pre-purchased my metro ticket and boarded the crowded and chaotic metro nombre 9. After a short time a conductor came though collecting tickets, but in all my excitement, I had misplaced mine. I frantically attempted to explain myself, in not yet fluent French, as the conductor, in what sounded like a flurry of French words, not recognizable from anything I had learned from textbooks, was demanding my ticket. When I could not produce my ticket, he rather tempestuously opened the doors, put me off the bus and it drove away. So, there I stood, in a foreign country, alone, halfway between my host family’s home and school. At first I was stunned and had any of the natives paid any attention to what was easily recognizable as a tourist, book bag strapped on, camera in hand, they would have seen a girl with a look of bewilderment in her eyes. It was like being thrown into the sea to learn how to swim. For a moment I just stood there, stunned at what had just occurred, gathering my thoughts when I noticed a hotel across the street. I commenced to the hotel and requested a map which I hoped I would be able to decipher, and find my way to school. I made it to school a little late that day but I had learned to swim in the sea. Looking back on that experience, I recognize that I was not easily intimidated and my confidence, intelligence, and ability to think on my feet that served me well that day are also skills that will stand me in good stead in law school.
My adventurous spirit and thirst for experiencing and learning new things comes to me naturally and I have had the opportunity to travel to many interesting places. I am aroused by the differences and similarities of cultures and people. Although my childhood was similar to most other children growing up in upper-middle class America, ballet lessons, tennis, ice-skating, swimming, and summer camp, it was also unique. When I entered kindergarten and none of my teachers could pronounce my last name, I began to realize that having a father from Tehran, Iran and a mother from Charleston, South Carolina was an anomaly. When I was younger, I did not like my interesting name or that my father spoke with an accent. At that time in my life, it made me feel different when I wanted to assimilate. As I have gotten older though, I have come to appreciate my individuality and am thankful that my family’s differences have broadened my views and understanding of other cultures. Many people grow up surrounded by people with similar backgrounds and beliefs and are never really exposed to people with differing views or customs. These people often shy away from interacting with people who are different from them due to unfamiliarity. With parents who grew up in different parts of the world, within very different cultures I have had the benefit of growing up with two distinct cultures melded together.
I have had a solid education thus far and have always found success in academics very rewarding, but have learned that there are things I cannot learn from a book. My life circumstances and experiences have given me an adept ability to view situations from different perspectives and with an open mind. I have come to believe that in order to form strong convictions, you must be well aware of different views and perspectives, that there is not one way of seeing things, that not everyone thinks the same. Given the same set of circumstances and the same facts, I have learned that we will not all always come to the same conclusions, or shall I say verdict. This is what will set me apart and why I will be an exemplary addition to the student body of xyz School of Law and future attorney.


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Re: READ ME critique

Postby mala2 » Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:28 pm

I think study abroad for the summer is not a good topic

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Re: READ ME critique

Postby MrSparkle » Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:24 pm

1. Don't talk about other people and what you think they think, keep it on you.
2. Don't insert lame jokes ("verdict")
3. You don't need to even mention law school. You can hint at how you are growing from this experience, or how your vision changed. I didn't mention law school at all and was fine.
4. If you are going to write about a travel experience, I'd keep it as close to you as possible. It starts out great, but you kind of zoom out after the first paragraph and start talking about yourself from a distance. I think you can better integrate your unique mixed race background in with your traveling story around a specific theme, like "being a foreigner," while keeping it really close to your first-person perspective. Get a really strong thesis/theme/thrust in here. I think you have good material/writing skill, just needs to be shaped better.

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