little help please

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adiaz43
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Joined: Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:30 pm

little help please

Postby adiaz43 » Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:32 pm

just wrote this today, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. it's just the first half, im still going to tie it into the law. thanks in advance.


My greatest ambition has always been to make a tangible difference in the world. As I reflect upon my experiences I find that those that gave me the greatest personal satisfaction were those in which I was able to use the written and spoken word to impact the success of others. During my undergraduate studies at ___________ I was a member of _____________ fraternity. I began serving the chapter my sophomore year as both Greek Week and Social Chair, and my junior year I was elected Vice President and New Member Educator. Towards the conclusion of my term, along with a representative from the Dean’s office, I was invited by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life and Leadership to speak at a seminar for the recently elected new member educators. It was an honor to have been selected from among the many outgoing new member educators and it was also a challenge to take everything I’d learned and consolidate it into a twenty-minute oral presentation.
In preparation and under my own initiative, I compiled examples of all the written material I had produced during my term and created a packet that would be distributed for the recently elected new member educators in order for them to have tangible benefits of my experience. Included were examples of weekly schedules, meeting agendas, new member evaluations, and a variety of spreadsheets that I had generated, all of which had facilitated the process for myself. Additionally within the packet were copies of several letters I had written to the parents of the new members, introducing myself as well as the history and values of the fraternity, while also keeping them informed of chapter news and events. While this was ultimately a rather time-consuming process, it served to be the best possible priming for my presentation while also providing those in attendance with practical tutorials that could ease their transition into the role of new member educator.
Throughout my presentation one of my central themes was written instruction. In any endeavor, oral directions can be misconstrued or misinterpreted, intentionally or otherwise, and the only means to thwart misunderstanding is by providing clear directives on paper. One of my prime examples during my presentation was the _________________ New Member Manual, which had previously been a fixture for incoming pledge classes, yet had not been issued or updated in several years when I took office. Thus, I assigned myself the task of updating the fifty-page manual to include recent additions to chapter bylaws and university requirements, as well as the recent history of the chapter.

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BriaTharen
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Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:17 pm

Re: little help please

Postby BriaTharen » Sun Dec 26, 2010 5:29 pm

My greatest ambition has always been to make a tangible difference in the world. <Cheesy, trite, and entirely too idealistic>As I reflect upon my experiences, I find that those that gave me the greatest personal satisfaction were those in which I was able to use the written and spoken word language to impact the success of others. During my undergraduate studies at ___________ I was a member of _____________ fraternity. I began serving the chapter my sophomore year as both Greek Week and Social Chair, and my junior year I was elected Vice President and New Member Educator.<As a non-Greek, I have no idea what any of these positions are, duties they entail, etc. May want to expand on that a bit> Towards the conclusion of my term, along with a representative from the Dean’s office,a representative from the Dean's Office and I were invited by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life and Leadership to speak at a seminar for the recently elected new member educators. <You capitalized new member educator before, but not now. Stay consistent>It was an honor to have been selected from among the many outgoing new member educators and it was also a challenge to take everything I’d learned and consolidate it into a twenty-minute oral presentation.
To prepare and under my own initiative, I compiled examples of all the written material I had produced during my term and created a packet that would be distributed for the recently elected new member educators in order for them to have tangible benefits of my experience. Included were examples of weekly schedules, meeting agendas, new member evaluations, and a variety of spreadsheets that I had generated, all of which had facilitated the process for myself. Additionally within the packet were copies of several letters I had written to the parents of the new members, introducing myself as well as the history and values of the fraternity, while also keeping them informed of chapter news and events. While this was ultimately a rather time-consuming process, it served to be the best possible priming for my presentation while also providing those in attendance with practical tutorials that could ease their transition into the role of new member educator.
Throughout my presentation one of my central themes was written instruction. In any endeavor, oral directions can be misconstrued or misinterpreted, intentionally or otherwise, and the only means to thwart misunderstanding is by providing clear directives on paper. One of my prime examples during my presentation was the _________________ New Member Manual, which had previously been a fixture for incoming pledge classes, yet had not been issued or updated in several years when I took office. Thus, I assigned myself the task of updating the fifty-page manual to include recent additions to chapter bylaws and university requirements, as well as the recent history of the chapter.

Brutal honesty: I stopped reading in the middle because I was very bored. Do more SHOWING and less TELLING. Also, you have tons of big words and complex sentences that only serve to confuse the reader, not prove how smart or a good writer you are. Clarify your sentences, avoid passive voice, and find more ways to demonstrate rather than tell.

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kitmitzi
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Joined: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:22 pm

Re: little help please

Postby kitmitzi » Sun Dec 26, 2010 7:41 pm

I think this sounds kind of like a resume. Do you have any other experiences you want to write about? IMO, writing about your frat isn't going to get you any bonus points. A lot of people are affiliated and have to do a decent amount of work in their positions (aka. it's not impressive). Furthermore, "New Member Ed" is also traditionally linked to hazing at my college at least...so that's bad...

Last, talking about making a tangible difference in the world and then detailing your experience as NME is kind of confusing. Organizing a bunch of college dudes into a social group is not going to change the world. I can't tell, but if your essay is heading in the direction about you being more shy about public speaking, I think there's a way to tell that without getting so bogged down in everything you did for your frat.

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ach24
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Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Re: little help please

Postby ach24 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:55 pm

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Last edited by ach24 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Flips88
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Re: little help please

Postby Flips88 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:54 pm

Do not write about this subject at all. It is boring and does not demonstrate anything about yourself. Frankly, fraternities and sororities are really just social organizations that allow students, particularly affluent ones, to network and make connections that will help them later in life. You start off saying you want to make a tangible difference in the world and then you talk about your frat? This would put an AdComm to sleep. I'm not trying to be mean, just realistic. This is a poor subject choice. Write about something else.

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Leira7905
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Re: little help please

Postby Leira7905 » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:33 am

The first sentence put me off right away... NEVER start with wanting to change the world. While, it is an admirable ambition, it's a bit unrealistic and pretentious.

krad
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Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:33 am

Re: little help please

Postby krad » Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:44 am

Flips88 wrote:Do not write about this subject at all. It is boring and does not demonstrate anything about yourself. Frankly, fraternities and sororities are really just social organizations that allow students, particularly affluent ones, to network and make connections that will help them later in life. You start off saying you want to make a tangible difference in the world and then you talk about your frat? This would put an AdComm to sleep. I'm not trying to be mean, just realistic. This is a poor subject choice. Write about something else.




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