700-Word piece Forum

[Maynard]

Thanks

[gambelda]

Major: Mechanical Engineering
Agendas: Public evaluations
Ps: Kindly leave your comments

The ability to desire is of possession in human beings. Hitherto this desirous quality, aspirations will arise.

You do not get bonus points for complicated, overly-worded writing. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. There are ways to make a very good personal statement, still illustrate an impressive usage of the english language, and without forcing people to bash their head against a wall trying to read your PS.

I read the first two sentences and almost vomitted.

[rinkrat19]

Step away from the thesaurus. Do not use a word without knowing what it means, even if Word is telling you it's a synonym.

The ability to desire is of possession in human beings.

"Is of possession"? What?

This longing harvested my deep passion for Physics.

Harvested? No. Kindled, encouraged, roused or inspired, possibly.

Like a punter who struck the jackpot, I find joy in thinking that parts in a system is able to make objects function.

What does the jackpot have to do with finding joy in systems? And parts ARE, not IS.

I'd suggest taking some writing courses before applying. We could edit the hell out of this for you and maybe boost it to 'acceptable', but your writing skills aren't where they need to be for law school.

[shoop]

Have you taken the TOEFL?

[ShuckingNotJiving]

OP, this essay isn't terrible considering English doesn't seem to be your first language (as the above poster hinted to).

It does have extremely awkward syntax, and random would-be maxims that amount to nothing, lead to nothing, and sometimes say nothing.

For example:

I view beauty to be as an essence of God’s creation. Beauty is holistic

and:

Imagination is the medium of creativity

and others.

I would keep the general theme, take out the bit about Catholicism and family (you stray to far from the central idea there), take out the short sentences that are unnecessary because they go without saying, for example:

I am only human.

OR because they are not essential to your PS--when you clear up some of those issues you should be in better shape. You may also need to consult a prof editing service.