700-Word piece

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Maynard
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:05 pm

700-Word piece

Postby Maynard » Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:18 pm

Thanks
Last edited by Maynard on Thu Nov 04, 2010 2:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

gambelda
Posts: 300
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:44 am

Re: 700-Word piece

Postby gambelda » Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:14 pm

Maynard wrote:Major: Mechanical Engineering
Agendas: Public evaluations
Ps: Kindly leave your comments

The ability to desire is of possession in human beings. Hitherto this desirous quality, aspirations will arise.


You do not get bonus points for complicated, overly-worded writing. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. There are ways to make a very good personal statement, still illustrate an impressive usage of the english language, and without forcing people to bash their head against a wall trying to read your PS.

I read the first two sentences and almost vomitted.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13915
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: 700-Word piece

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:23 pm

Step away from the thesaurus. Do not use a word without knowing what it means, even if Word is telling you it's a synonym.

Maynard wrote: The ability to desire is of possession in human beings.

"Is of possession"? What?

Maynard wrote: This longing harvested my deep passion for Physics.

Harvested? No. Kindled, encouraged, roused or inspired, possibly.

Maynard wrote: Like a punter who struck the jackpot, I find joy in thinking that parts in a system is able to make objects function.

What does the jackpot have to do with finding joy in systems? And parts ARE, not IS.

I'd suggest taking some writing courses before applying. We could edit the hell out of this for you and maybe boost it to 'acceptable', but your writing skills aren't where they need to be for law school.

shoop
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm

Re: 700-Word piece

Postby shoop » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:14 pm

Have you taken the TOEFL?

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: 700-Word piece

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:32 pm

OP, this essay isn't terrible considering English doesn't seem to be your first language (as the above poster hinted to).

It does have extremely awkward syntax, and random would-be maxims that amount to nothing, lead to nothing, and sometimes say nothing.

For example:

Maynard wrote:I view beauty to be as an essence of God’s creation. Beauty is holistic


and:

Maynard wrote:Imagination is the medium of creativity


and others.

I would keep the general theme, take out the bit about Catholicism and family (you stray to far from the central idea there), take out the short sentences that are unnecessary because they go without saying, for example:
Maynard wrote:I am only human.
OR because they are not essential to your PS--when you clear up some of those issues you should be in better shape. You may also need to consult a prof editing service.




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