700-Word piece Forum
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- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:05 pm
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- Posts: 299
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Re: 700-Word piece
You do not get bonus points for complicated, overly-worded writing. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. There are ways to make a very good personal statement, still illustrate an impressive usage of the english language, and without forcing people to bash their head against a wall trying to read your PS.Maynard wrote:Major: Mechanical Engineering
Agendas: Public evaluations
Ps: Kindly leave your comments
The ability to desire is of possession in human beings. Hitherto this desirous quality, aspirations will arise.
I read the first two sentences and almost vomitted.
- rinkrat19
- Posts: 13922
- Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am
Re: 700-Word piece
Step away from the thesaurus. Do not use a word without knowing what it means, even if Word is telling you it's a synonym.
I'd suggest taking some writing courses before applying. We could edit the hell out of this for you and maybe boost it to 'acceptable', but your writing skills aren't where they need to be for law school.
"Is of possession"? What?Maynard wrote: The ability to desire is of possession in human beings.
Harvested? No. Kindled, encouraged, roused or inspired, possibly.Maynard wrote: This longing harvested my deep passion for Physics.
What does the jackpot have to do with finding joy in systems? And parts ARE, not IS.Maynard wrote: Like a punter who struck the jackpot, I find joy in thinking that parts in a system is able to make objects function.
I'd suggest taking some writing courses before applying. We could edit the hell out of this for you and maybe boost it to 'acceptable', but your writing skills aren't where they need to be for law school.
- ShuckingNotJiving
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am
Re: 700-Word piece
OP, this essay isn't terrible considering English doesn't seem to be your first language (as the above poster hinted to).
It does have extremely awkward syntax, and random would-be maxims that amount to nothing, lead to nothing, and sometimes say nothing.
For example:
I would keep the general theme, take out the bit about Catholicism and family (you stray to far from the central idea there), take out the short sentences that are unnecessary because they go without saying, for example:
It does have extremely awkward syntax, and random would-be maxims that amount to nothing, lead to nothing, and sometimes say nothing.
For example:
and:Maynard wrote:I view beauty to be as an essence of God’s creation. Beauty is holistic
and others.Maynard wrote:Imagination is the medium of creativity
I would keep the general theme, take out the bit about Catholicism and family (you stray to far from the central idea there), take out the short sentences that are unnecessary because they go without saying, for example:
OR because they are not essential to your PS--when you clear up some of those issues you should be in better shape. You may also need to consult a prof editing service.Maynard wrote:I am only human.
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