DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

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acfair
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DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby acfair » Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:29 pm

This was just a free write to try to get some of my ideas onto paper. Criticism appreciated!

In 1932 my grandmother got onto a train that carried her to a boarding school operated by the Bureau of Indian Affairs. They cut her hair, forced her to speak English, and made her pray to a God who was not her own. Her struggle forced her to assimilate. She began to believe everything the government had told her. Her language was dead. Her culture was dead. Her people were as good as dead.

Tonight, nearly eighty years later, in the living room of our house, I sat with my grandmother as we watched a movie together in Anishinaabemowin, her first language, my second. I am in my third semester of classes in the language of my people. Speaking my language helps me connect to my culture in a way I never knew was possible. For each word that passes my lips, I know what it more of what it means to truly be Anishinaabe.

For twenty-three years, I have been an Indian. I grew up poor on the south side of Minneapolis. I danced at pow-wows in my dirty socks. I know what it is like to come home to a house in the middle of the city that has no running water or electricity because my mom couldn't pay the bill on time. I know what hot frybread tastes like fresh out of the pan. I have always known how to be an Indian.

When I began my time at the University of Minnesota, the school I had always dreamt of going to, I declared my major in Political Science. But an amazing professor in an Federal Indian Policy class convinced me that American Indian Studies was my home. I have learned about the history of the Anishinaabe-Ojibwe people. I have always known how to be an Indian girl. College has taught me how to be an anishinaabeikwe, an Anishinaabe woman.

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nataliejane38
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby nataliejane38 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:10 pm

This is really good, I don't know about DS's are they supposed to be shorter than a PS? This seems almost rushed - you mention your grandmother in the beginning but then don't come back to her again so that part seems disconnected but I think that part is good. Are you able to expand on this more?

reaisan
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby reaisan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:23 pm

I really like where this is going and is actually giving me ideas for another PS based on my Jamaican upbringing. I would just elaborate more on a few personal examples of what you've learned since taking those courses. Maybe your corn art is relevant there?

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acfair
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby acfair » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:30 pm

I think it needs to be just a bit longer, maybe only one paragraph. Most diversity statements I have seen are relatively short.

Also....I AM SO TEMPTED to write about my crop art. Hahaha. How many law schools have award winning crop artists?

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plenipotentiary
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Oct 27, 2010 11:51 pm

This is awesome.

And I think diversity statements are supposed to be around one page.

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acfair
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby acfair » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:05 am

Thank you! I have read in one page, double spaced in most places.

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cofc2008
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Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby cofc2008 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:16 pm

acfair wrote: For twenty-three years, I have been an Indian. I grew up poor on the south side of Minneapolis. I danced at pow-wows in my dirty socks. I know what it is like to come home to a house in the middle of the city that has no running water or electricity because my mom couldn't pay the bill on time. I know what hot frybread tastes like fresh out of the pan. I have always known how to be an Indian.


Nearly every sentence here begins with "I." As you correctly pointed out in my post, this is a little redundant.

As far as the rest of it goes, there isn't anything I can rip apart. It looks very good and is engaging. I would bring your grandmother back into the story, as one poster stated. Overall, this is excellent.

reaisan
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Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:15 am

Re: DS First Attempt. Tell me what you think?

Postby reaisan » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:21 pm

cofc2008 wrote:As far as the rest of it goes, there isn't anything I can rip apart. It looks very good and is engaging. I would bring your grandmother back into the story, as one poster stated. Overall, this is excellent.

Adding to that suggestion, I'd say bringing Grandmother back could make for a nice transition. A sentence or two of you interacting is all you need. Maybe you can describe the joy on her face when she sees you dance at a pow-wow.

Anyway, I think it's great. Good luck! <3




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