PS. Close to a final draft. Could use the advice...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JerrySeinfeld
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 8:17 pm

PS. Close to a final draft. Could use the advice...

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:10 pm

I would love constructive criticism. The final paragraph is new and thus weak. Advice on that would be great too!


On a quiet Saturday afternoon, the piercing and distinctive ring of my telephone will always be engraved in my memory. “Andrew, someone has a gun in the building, what do I do?” Those twelve words whispered by one of my fellow resident assistants will live with me for the rest of my life. I turned nineteen years old just two days earlier and suddenly I found myself in what could be a life or death situation. When I was hired to become a resident assistant, I wanted to follow in the footsteps of my resident assistants who helped guide me during my freshman year. I never could have anticipated how ambiguous and broad the term “help” truly is. My position as a resident assistant has put me through grueling and heart wrenching experiences. While these incidents have been incredibly trying on me as an individual, they have nevertheless made me a stronger and better human being.

My fellow resident assistant was sitting in the main lobby with her large, swollen eyes staring down at the floor. We both feared this was the next Columbine or Virginia Tech. As I called University Police, whispering to ensure no one could hear what I was saying, I felt confident and in control. I was not allowed to fear, not afforded the luxury of “what if”. When the officers arrived, I informed them of everything I knew and directed them to the room. The officers discovered a gun, numerous bullets and, to my incredible relief, apprehended the individuals and resolved the conflict. As I slowly walked back to my room, I laid down in my bed, put the pillow over my face, and screamed. As I found myself imagining every possible scenario, I came to the realization that I made a difference for one simple reason; none of my residents discovered what happened that Saturday afternoon.

Over the next two years, I have dealt with many more difficult situations, two of which I will never forget. During one specific incident, one resident told me that he would try and kill himself if he was left alone and that he attempted to do so the previous night. I brought him into my room and for four hours we discussed life. Since then and for the past year, every Sunday at noon, he comes into my room to watch football. We have never discussed that night and we probably never will, but when he walks into my room at the same time every Sunday, it’s all the communication about that night we will ever need. In another incident, a female resident locked herself in her room after taking a considerable amount of anti-depressant pills. After a struggle to persuade her to leave her room and obtain medical help, the police officers and I finally convinced her to do so. Thankfully, she survived and returned to class the following week.

One of my fellow resident assistants asked me how I was able to remain calm and relaxed during these confrontations. Up until that point, I never realized or even thought about how much I had changed. When I reflected upon that question, I came to the realization that my involvement in each situation helped me grow as an individual. After both of the suicide incidents, I discovered that helping others actually helped me. I am a better human being, friend, and helper than I ever once was. Those past experiences have shaped my present and future self.

My position as a resident assistant has allowed me to lend a hand to those who need one. Situations which seem like a burden can have the greatest impact. Those three trying incidents have allowed me to discover that helping someone is a reciprocal process. When I applied to become a resident assistant, I never expected it to become one of the defining aspects of my life. I am now mentally ready to take the next step in my life and I look forward to that step becoming another defining aspect of my life. If accepted into ¬¬¬_______, I am positive that ¬-______ will allow me to grow not only as an individual, but as a human being.

tourdeforcex
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Re: PS. Close to a final draft. Could use the advice...

Postby tourdeforcex » Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:25 pm

cool stories.

your audience is curious as to why law school is for you? if you tie that in somehow, could make the entire statement stronger.

couple thoughts:

is the piercing and distinctive ring of your telephone really engraved in your memory? because that occurrence was not the unique one. it was the question "Andrew, someone has a gun in the building, what do I do?" not to play the psychology major card, but the ring by now is old news. just a thought. (furthermore, is that "distinctive" ring still the same? and is it piercing?)

"I was not allowed to fear" by whom? by yourself? were you truly not fearful? if you weren't then why is this a big deal? perhaps a better way to present this is: "The situation called for swift and definitive action that trumped any feelings of fear or anxiety."

"Over the next two years, I have dealt with many more difficult situations, two of which I will never forget." you seem to be not forgetting a lot of things: your telephone ring, twelve words, and two situations. is it necessary to provide such emphasis in a such a passive way? consider providing emphasis in a different way.

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JerrySeinfeld
Posts: 130
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 8:17 pm

Re: PS. Close to a final draft. Could use the advice...

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:38 pm

tourdeforcex wrote:cool stories.

your audience is curious as to why law school is for you? if you tie that in somehow, could make the entire statement stronger.

couple thoughts:

is the piercing and distinctive ring of your telephone really engraved in your memory? because that occurrence was not the unique one. it was the question "Andrew, someone has a gun in the building, what do I do?" not to play the psychology major card, but the ring by now is old news. just a thought. (furthermore, is that "distinctive" ring still the same? and is it piercing?)

"I was not allowed to fear" by whom? by yourself? were you truly not fearful? if you weren't then why is this a big deal? perhaps a better way to present this is: "The situation called for swift and definitive action that trumped any feelings of fear or anxiety."

"Over the next two years, I have dealt with many more difficult situations, two of which I will never forget." you seem to be not forgetting a lot of things: your telephone ring, twelve words, and two situations. is it necessary to provide such emphasis in a such a passive way? consider providing emphasis in a different way.


Great advice! Any ideas on how to tie it into law school or even if thats need. When I decided on the topic, I knew the tie to law school would be difficult. Ideas?




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