Is this worth working with?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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jdemmitt
Posts: 697
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:52 pm

Is this worth working with?

Postby jdemmitt » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:58 pm

I just finished my first personal statement, and I want to see whether you guys think it is worth working on, or if I should scrap it and go for a different topic. Any advice would be great.

As I was preparing for my first semester of collegiate education at Brigham Young University I established two criteria for determining my educational pursuits. The first was that I wanted to take courses that would prepare for law school. I wanted tough classes that required analytical skills and logical reasoning. It was very important to me that I use this time to prepare myself even though law school was years away. The second criterion was that I wanted my major and minor to be complementary. I wanted to ensure that what I learned in one study would benefit or help me understand my other interests. These reasons ultimately led to my choices of majoring in political science and minoring in sociology.
For me the two majors satisfied both of my criteria. Political science requires reasoning skills to break down arguments and determine their validity and worth. Sociology focused on analyzing data to determine socioeconomic trends and influences. Both of these fields have enormously improved my ability in working with arguments and ideas. I am confident that I chose the right fields in order to prepare for law school.
Political science and sociology are more compatible than most people think. My education in political focused a lot on how politics can and do solve problems. Classes focused on how different types of government could cause solve problems with different methods and opportunities. These classes provided an excellent education on one could use government and the political system to fix problems, but they rarely answered the question of “what is the problem?” Sociology by contrast focused on the problems that plague societies today such as inequality in education, work opportunities, and money. Sociology taught me what is wrong with society and what changes could alleviate these problems, but not how to actually implement the solution. Between the two fields I learned not only what was wrong with society but how to help solve these problems through the government.
As an army brat I moved around a lot in my childhood. I attended six different schools by the time I finished elementary school, which was sixth grade in Utah. In that time I attended a variety of different schools, and I had a chance to see the inequality in educational opportunities for our nation’s youth. As an adult this was of particular interest to me and something that I have actively researched and written on. While interning for the Utah State Legislature I was able to actively have an effect on educational pursuits and funding.
While working for Senator Valentine I was able to review and discuss the state’s budget for education and the growing constraints on the problem for not only lower education but higher education. Senator Valentine was a founder of a higher education scholarship for students who completed associate degrees before graduating high school, but funding problems have led to the reduction of the value of the scholarship. He asked that I look at his new proposed bill to fix some of the problems with the scholarship and handle inquiries from constituents about the process. I am grateful that the bill passed and will continue to be available for future students, and that I was able to assist in its passage.
My education and life experiences in dealing with educational inequalities have led me to believe that there is a practical solution for the problem. Currently schools are primarily funded through local property taxes. The problem with funding through this tax is that the money typically stays within the county that levies the tax. This means that there are some areas in a state with higher property values that allow counties to collect higher taxes and funnel them into their schools. This is the primary reason why we have such great inequality between schools. One possible way to fix this would be to set a state wide property tax and then funnel all of the money to the state and distribute it an equal per student to each school. This would help prevent the most drastic cases of schools with swimming pools and others without a chemistry lab. There are of course objections to this plan, but the majority of parents believe that each child should have an opportunity for a good education, and the current system does not provide equal education opportunities to our children.
I am very passionate about having an opportunity to help fix and work on this problem. Sociology helped me learn about how pervasive and dangerous this problem truly is; political science showed me that there is a way to fix this problem, and now I need a legal education to fix this problem. Being a lawyer will open doors and avenues to be able to combat the problem of educational funding, something I would not be able to do otherwise. I am determined to be able to put my education to beneficial use.
Law school is just the next step for my plans in life. A legal education at Brigham Young University will only serve as a stepping stone to more opportunities. My educational background has greatly prepared me for the challenges that Brigham Young University offers. My analytical skills and logical reasoning will not only be tested by the competitive classes at Brigham Young University but they will also be honed. At this juncture I am ready for a new challenge and opportunity to ensure my success and I know that Brigham Young University will provide me with the education I need.

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aas911
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 3:42 pm

Re: Is this worth working with?

Postby aas911 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:07 pm

Many people have told me to avoid writing about things that can easily be deciphered from your resume. I think that the advice is pertinent in this situation as well.

Is it possible for your to expand more on your goals for education in your state? Maybe you could talk about why you have these goals?

I hope my commentary helps and good luck!

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jdemmitt
Posts: 697
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:52 pm

Re: Is this worth working with?

Postby jdemmitt » Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:07 am

I appreciate that. I felt I might be doing that a little, but I didnt know how else to bring that relevant information in. I hope I can return the favor.




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