Is my PS too simple?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sergissimo
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2009 2:56 pm

Is my PS too simple?

Postby sergissimo » Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:32 pm

Please take a look at my draft and let me know what I can do to improve it. Fire away! Please!

My father walks inside the house with an all too familiar face, and says, "This time it's gonna work!". A phrase I had heard countless times before. Up until I was 14 or 15 years old, this phrase gave me hope that things would be better. However, this time at 18 years of age, these words did not have the same effect on me. The repetitiveness of my father's different businesses and ventures starting up and soon failing was taking a toll on all of us. Something had to be done about it. Coming to America seemed to be the only thing that made sense to me at that time, and fortunately the rest of my family felt the same way.
Once in the United States, life did not get any easier. I had to learn a new language and adapt to a culture different from my own. We pressed on as we were determined to "make it work" this time. 
I had started Law School in Brazil, but soon had to drop out since there was no financial aid available and we could not afford it otherwise. As I was about to enroll in a undergraduate school in the US, I had to make a choice that I knew would give me a decent chance to cover the costs. Law School was becoming a more difficult option since it was not a straight 5 year program like in Brazil; I would have to get a bachelors degree and then face an even bigger financial giant in graduate school. As I had just arrived in this country, still learning the language, and seeing the struggle my parents were going though to make sure I received a college education, I felt it would be a selfish decision to prolong my schooling to 7 years. I decided to go for another degree that would give me a chance to start working after graduation and then do graduate school as I became more financially independent. 
Psychology and Theology were majors that were attractive to me since I wanted to work with the community. I grew up doing community work through my church and it had always  been a goal of mine to do that for a living one day. Even though I initially intended to do that as an attorney, being a counselor or a therapist would also allow me to do that. 
As soon as I graduated I had the opportunity to work as a teacher at a non-profit private religious secondary school, where I had the chance to not only teach, but also counsel the students and parents. Meanwhile I worked on my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, which gave deeper knowledge of family therapy. Since then, i have been working as a family therapist in non-profit agencies serving families that are court appointed, and families of youth involved with the Department of Children and Families. This kind of work has given me great exposure to the legal system, as I am in constantly working with attorneys, probations officers, and Court Support Services Division personnel. Throughout these years I have had the privilege to concurrently work as a volunteer for my community, offering family therapy and individual counseling for those in need. Restructuring broken families, taking them from chaos to healthy and functional interactions.  
Now that I am a father and a husband, this moment becomes even more defining. This is the moment that I am finally able to realize this goal of becoming an attorney. I have asked myself whether doing family therapy for the rest of my life would make me happy. The answer I have found every time is: yes and no. I know the mental health field makes me happy, however I do not feel I will have reached my full potential if I do not fight for my lifelong goals: being an attorney, serving the public, and making a difference in my community.  
               

Tsispilos
Posts: 125
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:37 pm

Re: Is my PS too simple?

Postby Tsispilos » Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:33 pm

Sounds too much like a resume rehash. Tell a story about some meaningful event or something.




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