Final version. Language polishing please!!!!!!! Thank you

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lulumore
Posts: 32
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:48 pm

Final version. Language polishing please!!!!!!! Thank you

Postby lulumore » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:16 am

Thank you, as always.
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I was on a 15-hour train ride back from a failed job interview in Beijing. When I was overwhelmed by the ominously darkness, my phone rang. Incredibly, it was Ms. Tann, the head of the company that had interviewed me. The human resources department had made a mistake: I had actually successfully moved to the second round of interviews, and they were taking place the next morning! However, when she learned that I was already on the train back home, she started to pull back, warning me that I would still have to go through another two rounds of interviews after which only eight candidates out of the remaining sixty would be employed. Did her hesitation imply that I was not among the few that she wanted most? Was she telling me to re-evaluate my situation?
All my life, I have followed in my parents’ steps. My father was a Tibetan from Shangri-La. It used be a poor place with little transportation and communication with the outside. Bearing a dream of getting his hometown out of poverty, my father left his village to pursue education and eventually graduated from Nanjing University, one of the best in China. Sadly, my father passed away when I was seven years old when my mother started to take sole responsibility for my upbringing. Ever since I was young, my mother encouraged me to leave Yunnan to widen my horizons and push beyond our borders against the repeated warnings from her siblings back home. It was due to her support and encouragement that I decided to attend a university thousands miles away. Ranking top of the class upon graduation, I could easily find a job as a local English teacher. The job would have been well-paid, and to the pleasure of my peers and family back home, it would have been stable. However, to prepare myself for a dream that one day I would also be able to contribute to the betterment of my hometown, I need challenges and new ideas which would question my beliefs and widen my perspectives. It was this ambition for life that brought me to Beijing. I was a 21 year old, 5 foot 2 girl living alone in a strange city with no friends or connections to rely on. Also, I was competing with the most ambitious and talented people in the nation for jobs, but my dream prepared me for whatever life that chaotic Beijing threw at me.
So, in spite of all uncertainties and difficulties, I confirmed Ms. Tann my decision of coming back for interviews. It was midnight. Frantically, I rushed out of the train at the next stop and bought a last minute ticket back to Beijing. For the next seven hours, I stood the entire time in a train car that was packed to the brim. One week later, I was hired.
Bearing a dream of developing my hometown, I have strived to challenge myself and to go above and beyond what is expected of me, but it was not until I immersed myself in the inner workings of law and legal structures did I realize a law study in America can help me realize my dream. Like everyone, people in Shagnri-La desire economic development, but not at the expense of their beautiful home. In the face of survival pressure, how shall we protect our environment? America has the most advanced legal and economic system in the world. More importantly, the establishment of its existing legal regimes has gone through earlier experience of dealing with conflict between the economic development and environment protection, the conflict Shangri-La and even the whole China is now confronted. A personal law study experience in country with such a history would equip me with related knowledge. On the other hand, the environmental problem in my country has a unique cultural background that would perhaps involve a different solution. The participation from diverse cultural backgrounds would enhance the understanding of the issue as a whole, which would help figure out solutions applicable for a wider range. That is not only about my dream, but the dream of millions of other people who wish to live in a safer and more beautiful world.
In what began with a midnight train ride back to Beijing, the past few years have been full of challenges. As I have made each decision, I have kept at the root of it my parents. I think of the brilliance that they would have brought to bear in each setting I have encountered, and I am at once inspired to live as they have: carving out a path that elevates those in need. Being the best of yourself even when people say you can’t. And, as they would say with the smuggest of smiles, remembering where you come from.
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User avatar
El_Gallo
Posts: 218
Joined: Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:23 am

Re: Final version. Language polishing please!!!!!!! Thank you

Postby El_Gallo » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:33 am

Sorry, its late at night and I'll admit that I did not read the whole thing. I skimmed it and these are a couple of lines that I would change.


lulumore wrote:ominously darkness


ominous darkness
lulumore wrote:So, in spite of all uncertainties and difficulties, I confirmed Ms. Tann my decision of coming back for interviews.


So, in spite of my uncertainty, I confirmed to Ms. Tann that I would return for the second round of interviews

lulumore wrote:did I realize a law study in America


did I realized an opportunity to study law in America

lulumore wrote:More importantly, the establishment of its existing legal regimes has gone through earlier experience of dealing with conflict between the economic development and environment protection, the conflict Shangri-La and even the whole China is now confronted.


This is confusing


Good Luck!

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Final version. Language polishing please!!!!!!! Thank you

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:37 am

, people in Shagnri-La desire economic development, but


spelling mistake




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