PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ArchRoark
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PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:53 pm

EDIT: thanks everyone
Last edited by ArchRoark on Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:18 pm

I like them both, but am a bit troubled by your last line in which you portray yourself as empathetic yet also use a superficial, judgmental phrase of "racial bigots".
Both are very well written in a creative, not legal, writing style.
The subject matter of your personal statement is fine as lawyers, law students & law school administrators all live in the real world with real world issues.

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Zannie1986
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Re: PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby Zannie1986 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:28 pm

I'd keep them both. Use 2nd PS as your DS and it seems you're good to go. I understand that #1 is riskier but you're going to have to address your previous charges anyway and if it is the foundation for your seeking a JD, go with it. The only thing I'd say is that in your explanation for why law school, it gets a little like...I'm going to teach them the error of their ways so it seems like Social work would be a better....or counselor would be better so my best advice would be to try to frame your statement more into legal job terms. say something like 'I could represent the offender in the truest sense of the word, as I am someone who can directly relate to their personal experiences and drug-related trials and tribulations and will therefore fight for these people and their rights to recovery.' something like that.

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teaadntoast
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Re: PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby teaadntoast » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:55 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:I like them both, but am a bit troubled by your last line in which you portray yourself as empathetic yet also use a superficial, judgmental phrase of "racial bigots".


:roll:

I don't think your initial PS will be a problem for you, given that you've clearly taken your recovery seriously and know what you need to do to prevent relapse.

Agree, however, that you might want to spend more time taking about how a career in law will assist you in meeting your goals, as you do sound a bit "social work-y" in your fifth paragraph. You might also consider reworking the first graph for clarity - it took me a few minutes to relaize that you were returning to La Hacienda to make a speech, not checking yourself in for treatment.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 5:10 pm

As I gripped the steering wheel, my palms began to sweat. Doubt flooded my mind: “Will my story be of any help?” Instinctively, as if to drown out the uncertainty, I turned up the music and drove on. Pulling into the parking spot, I gazed at the sign airbrushed on the front window. Below the image of a white-tailed deer and an oak tree lay written “La Hacienda Solutions.” It had taken me a long time to get here.


edit: same issue with the first paragraph as toast cited.

I also got the same, "Why isn't this guy applying for an MSW...?" feeling that another poster cited, so you may want to elaborate a little on the thought process that drove you from 12-step sponsor to aspiring attorney.


I like both, and honestly, the drug issues will arise later on if you don't bring them up now, on your terms. You might as well seize this opportunity to start impressing people. The DS has a number of grammatical errors and needs to be proofread.

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Two drafts - help me decide which route (Risky vs Not)

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:52 pm

Thanks for the advice everyone. Both points are well taken and I will be sure to incorporate them in my next draft.

Canadian - Well I am going to have to edit down my DS significantly. I will think long and hard about chopping that sentence.

DreamShake - Yah, I knew there would a number of grammatical errors in my DS. I will be sure to fix them.


Any thoughts on what I should cut from my DS to get it down to near a page? Although I like my intro I feel that the DS could stand on its own without it.




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