personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

personal statement

Postby northwood » Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:53 pm

decided to delete the statment and start from scratch
Last edited by northwood on Wed Jun 16, 2010 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
jayn3
Posts: 667
Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:21 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby jayn3 » Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:54 pm

northwood wrote:Ring!!

i stopped reading after this because double exclamation points are really annoying.

...and also because there aren't any paragraph breaks....

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:56 pm

deleted statement and starting over
Last edited by northwood on Wed Jun 16, 2010 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby JustDude » Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:18 am

northwood wrote:Ring!

Ding!.. Sorry... Couldnt resist. My bad. No more I promise.


northwood wrote:The 1:46 bell has run, signaling the end of another school day. I gather my books, retrieve my backpack and other outerwear from my locker and begin the mile walk home. It is another end to a school day, and after a short break to change and get something to eat, its time to start work.

I have been working since the age of 15. Throughout my high school undergraduate and graduate school studies, I worked at Northwood Services, a small business that my father started when I was 14. Working side by side with my father taught me many things.

Okkay, so you worked while in school. And walked the whole mile.

northwood wrote:I know the benefits of having a good work ethic, and a good work reputation. Observing other landscape companies poor work ethic has shown me how important a good work ethic is, and how a negative work ethic and reputation quickly puts a business out of work.

"observing" has "shown you"???.. Also, kinda douchy to critisize other commpanies while at the same time praising your own work.

northwood wrote:I also have witnessed and experienced many of the problems that a small business encounters ( poor sales, unexpected expenses, difficulty finding and keeping high quality employees )

Was it due to poor work ethics??? Or what.. I mean you mentioned how beneficial good work ethics is....
northwood wrote:as well as the benefits of working in a small business ( a mutual understanding between boss and employee, close nit working environment, customer loyalty to name a few).

What about to name none. Who cares aout this stuff. Are you writing an essay on why to open small business or personal statement for LS?

northwood wrote:Many of these traits that I have learned have prepared me to be an exceptional lawyer in the business arena.

Wow. How do you know what is needed to be an "exceptional" lawyer??? Kinda bold statement. And yeah, exceptional, nothing less.



northwood wrote:Having a keen attention to detail and time management strategies are important both in the business world and in the legal industry.

Check grammar on that one. And again, how do you know what is important in legal industry. And why do you think you need to tell what is important in legal industry to AdComm (probably JD holders..........).

northwood wrote:Working in the landscaping industry taught me the benefis of paying attention and responding to the littlest of changes and circumstances.

Littlest you say... I see, I see.
northwood wrote:Often times, if something is not just right, I will fix or re do the section of the landscape work, or oversee my crew members re do the work, to ensure that it is done properly and perfectly before presenting the project as complete to the customer.

Good boy, you will fix if something is not right. And you definately showed who is the boss here.

northwood wrote:Often times, pointing out the littlest of things to a customer ( such as trimming a shrub at a 45degree angle instead of 90 degrees)


LOL I have some naughty thoughts and ideas now.
northwood wrote:ensures their complete satisfaction and future business. Keeping track of, and responding to the finer points of a project disproves any preconceived negative notions that a customer may have when they see that a landscape crew is headed by a young person.


LOL. a young boss. Well at your father's company, but nevertheless. Lol what a douchy sentence. LOL!

northwood wrote: By working throughout my high school, and college years I have been able to develop and maintain exceptional time management techniques that can be applied to any task.

Exceptional. No less..

northwood wrote:Proper time management techniques facilitate efficient usage of time and materials, increases employee morale, and help prevents equipment failure. The acronym for this technique is G.O.P.E.E. R which stands for Goal- Obstacles, Plan, Examine, Execute, and Review. Once a goal is established, all obstacles that may prevent the goal from being realized are identified. A plan is then created to reach the goal. Once the plan is created that includes ways to resolve these obstacles, it is then executed, until the plan is completed. Once this step is completed, I then review to determine if I was successful or not in reaching my goal. If I was, I then identify strategies that helped me. If I was unsuccessful, I review where I need to adjust my course of action, make necessary modifications and repeat. No matter what the goal is, I have found that this strategy increases effective use of time, morale, and self- confidence.


Did you copy that form DeVry universityMBA textbook. They also disregard subjunctive mood.

northwood wrote: Being a lawyer requires a strong work ethic, strong problem solving and time management strategies, and a keen sense of awareness for even the smallest of details. I believe that my time working for a small business has provided me with the tools necessary to be a successful lawyer advocating for small businesses. Small businesses are a major part of our economy. Having an intimate knowledge and understanding of the day-to-day working grind that is associated with small businesses provides me with a greater sense of understanding and compassion, traits that help guide small businesses in their quest for continued and enhanced success.



Not even commenting on that.

GossipGirl2002
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:37 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby GossipGirl2002 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:02 am

Northwood,

Pick a new topic to write about. This one doesn't draw my attention.

Sincerely,

Me

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:16 am

,
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:38 am

i get it.. the statement sucks I should have done some editing before I posted it, but i was looking to see if this was a good start... ive been working at the company since i was 15, been there since the day it opened... other than being a teacher for a year ( and hating it). should i junk this and pick a new topic, or could this be fixable?

User avatar
mcflooter06
Posts: 263
Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2009 2:33 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby mcflooter06 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:53 am

I have to agree with the other posters- this topic should probably be scrapped. It just felt like you were explaining how to run a business, and not really talking about yourself. Also, there were a good deal of grammatical/punctuation errors throughout the whole piece, so watch that when you are rewriting.

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Wed Jun 16, 2010 5:36 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:15 pm

allright.. thanks.... im working on anothe revision..... ill be sure to post it when i finish ( and double check grammer and spelling) tahnks for the info

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Thu Jun 17, 2010 9:02 pm

here is version 2. I know there are still some grammatical errors in the text. I am not sure how I feel about the last paragraph. let me know your opinions. Thanks

Thunder claps off in the near distance as I look up at the sky, wondering when the rains will start. The humidity, once so oppressing, has suddenly gone away, and the wind becomes stronger. “Time to pack up for the day, we’re done. We’ll finish it up tomorrow.” I tell to the members of my landscaping crew. The customer comes out, and reaffirms what I have been observing. “ Storm’s coming, I’ll see you all tomorrow.” I help clean up the jobsite and tie down all of the machinery and tools.

Back at the shop, I take a look around, as other employees leave for the day. “ We really made it, I say to myself. Look at how far we have come. It then hits me; my dad’s dream of owning a successful landscape business has ceased being a dream, and became a reality. Years of hard work, long hours, constant creation and modification of schedules and procedures have helped solidify the business’s core customers and create its own niche in the local economy. I listen to the storm outside and reflect on my own personal growth over the past 12 years, and realize that while I feel satisfied with how things are progressing in my life, I am still searching for fulfillment. I have set aside my dream of becoming a lawyer to help fulfill the dreams of my father. It is time to start focusing on my dream, incorporating the tools that I have acquired and utilized in the family business to attend and succeed in law school.

I have learned a lot of lessons from working in the landscape industry. Besides learning how to maintain and install landscape and the day to day operation of a business ( scheduling, creating estimates for potential clients, responding to customer feedback, supervising a small crew of workers) I have learned the value of hard work, the importance of a good reputation, the necessity of proper time and resource management. I also learned that in order to become and remain successful, you have to constantly reflect and make necessary changes on your approach and goals to keep your vision intact.

My friends in high school and throughout college worked jobs at video arcades, in shopping malls, and at the local grocery store. While these jobs that had set schedules and were performed in air conditioned environments, I had no such luxury. The working conditions varied by the day, and sometimes hour, but I did have one advantage over my friends. I got to witness countless projects evolve from planning to completion and had the satisfaction of knowing that I helped create something living and semi-permanent. Also coping with unforeseen factors such as the elements helped me to develop time management practices which can be utilized in many settings. Quitting on a job once begun was never an option. To do so would place a black mark on the company’s reputation, as well as taint my reputation and integrity. If it took longer to complete a job the right way, then it would be done, regardless if the extra time was not factored in the estimate. A reputation is very powerful. It can open doors, or lock them shut without offering you a rebuttal. I learned that it is difficult to enhance a reputation, but easy to ruin.

Throughout my {UG SCHOOL} years, I came home and worked. I began to use the time at work to increase my management techniques, as well as to develop an understanding of implied notions that that customers said, without actually speaking the exact words. I began to look forward to the days working under the hot sun, for I knew that I was learning invaluable lessons each and every day at work. Our customer base is a decent sampling of the local population, with clients ranging from computer technicians to members of the local government. Every customer and every project presented their own unique challenges and personalities. In order to accomplish the task, We had to develop a working system and procedures to ensure that the project would be completed on time, and to the exact specifications of the customer. Accomplishing these goals helped me to solidify the belief that anything is possible as long as you are willing to put in necessary hard work.

I believe that my experience in working for my father’s landscaping business has provided me with the foundation to be a successful lawyer. Small businesses are the backbone of the American economy, and the American dream. I want to be able to support as many small businesses as possible, and to help protect them, and their owners rights and interests after law school. I believe that my determination, management skills and work ethic will help me succeed throughout law school. Dreams are important. Never giving up on those dreams by seizing every opportunity that arises to fulfill them is the underlying theme in the story of my life.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jun 17, 2010 9:20 pm

Try not to use, or rather misuse, the word "countless". It may be the most misused word in the English language when it should probably be the least used word.
Your second version will not hurt your application, in my opinion. The first version raised maturity issues. The second version is unlikely to help your application because it doesn't reveal much about you beyond the obvious. Your second version is not bad, however, it doesn't offer any compelling reason to admit you to law school. Imagine a group of admissions officers around a conference table discussing law school applications. Your statistics did not place your application in either the automatic admit or reject piles. How will your personal statement convince those admissions officers that you are a better candidate than the four thousand other applicants against whom you are competing?
You write well; it is clear & concise. Your essay creates an impression of an honest and conscientious person.

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:35 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:41 pm

I got to witness numerous projects of various difficulty and legnth evolve from simple drawings to a living mini ecosystem consisting of numerous types of plants and ground cover. I also had the satisfaction of delivering to the customers a service that not only enhanced their property, but created a tranquil outdoor room where they could unwind from their day.

- does this sound better than " I got to witness countless projects evolve from planing to completion and had the satisfaction of knowing that I helped create something semi-permanent ( I removed the word Also from the next sentence)

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Thu Jun 17, 2010 10:47 pm

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
3|ink
Posts: 7331
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby 3|ink » Thu Jun 17, 2010 11:44 pm

It looks like you're trying to sensationalize your experience with creative writing. I can tell you this much: that is not your voice. You can tell you're reading someone's natural writing voice when there's good flow. Your PS lacks flow, bud. Find your voice and start from scratch. There's no shame in using plain English. Allusions and big words are like big cars. They make it seem like you're trying to compensate for something.

User avatar
northwood
Posts: 4872
Joined: Fri May 14, 2010 7:29 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby northwood » Fri Jun 18, 2010 12:26 am

here is version 3. still not sure on how to tie in my experience with wanting to be a lawyer that looks out for small business. thanks for all of the help with this!

Thunder clapped off in the near distance as I looked up at the sky, wondering when the rains will start. The humidity, once so oppressing, had suddenly gone away, and the wind became stronger. “Time to pack up for the day, we’re done. We’ll finish it up tomorrow.” I tell to the members of my landscaping crew. The customer comes out, and reaffirms what I have been observing. “ Storm’s coming, I’ll see you all tomorrow.” I helped clean up the jobsite and tie down all of the machinery and tools and returned back to the shop.

At the shop, I took a look around, as other employees went home for the day. “ We really made it, I said to myself. Look at how far we have come. It then hits me; my dad’s dream of owning a successful landscape business had ceased being a dream, and became a reality. Years of hard work, long hours, constant creation and modification of schedules and procedures have helped solidify the business’s core customers and create its own niche in the local economy. I listened to the storm outside and reflected on my own personal growth over the past 12 years, and realize that while I feel content with how things had progressed in my life so far, I was still in search of fulfillment. I have set aside my dream of becoming a lawyer to help fulfill the dreams of my father. It is time to start focusing on my dream, incorporating the tools that I have acquired and utilized in the family business to attend and succeed in law school.

I have learned a lot of lessons from working in the landscape industry. Besides learning how to maintain and install landscape and the day to day operation of a business (scheduling, creating estimates for potential clients, responding to customer feedback, supervising a small crew of workers) I have learned the value of hard work, the importance of a good reputation, the necessity of proper time and resource management. I also learned that in order to become and remain successful, I have to constantly self- reflect and make necessary changes to my goals and plans.

At my father’s business I was part of numerous projects that evolved from simple drawings to a living mini ecosystem consisting of numerous types of plants and ground cover. I had the satisfaction of delivering to the customers a service that not only enhanced their property, but created a tranquil outdoor room where they could unwind from their day. Coping with unforeseen factors such as the elements helped me to develop time management practices which can be utilized in many settings. Quitting on a job once begun was never an option. To do so would place a black mark on the company’s reputation, as well as taint my reputation and integrity. If it took longer to complete a job the right way, then it would be done, regardless if the extra time was not factored in the estimate. The only thing that matters is getting the job done right the first time. A reputation is very powerful. It can open doors, or lock them shut without offering you a rebuttal. I learned that it is difficult to enhance a reputation, but easy to ruin it. To take on a job that was beyond my capabilities and not deliver a high quality, error free finished project would be detrimental to the company and my own reputation than to simply turn down the offer to bid.

Throughout my {UG SCHOOL} years, I came home and worked during breaks. I began to use the time at work to increase my management techniques, as well as to develop an understanding of implied notions that customers said, without actually speaking the exact words. I began to look forward to the days working under the hot sun, for I knew that I learned invaluable lessons each and every day at work. Our customer base is a decent sampling of the local population, with clients ranging from office workers to members of the local government. Every customer and every project presented their own unique challenges and personalities. Specifically responding to the individual challenges within the overall project was a key component that had to be addressed in the project’s plan. I learned to plan objectives and benchmarks for the project that reflected the personality of the individual customer. Every objective and benchmark had to fit within an overall working plan to ensure that the project would be completed properly and on time. If a customer emphasized a particular area of their yard, I made sure that part emphasized was done first. This way I could compare my belief to their tastes and likes/dislikes to the customers response, and make necessary changes to the plan. I preferred to tackle the most difficult parts of the project first when possible, so that there would be more room for adjustments and modifications. With elements such as weather conditions and unforeseen obstacles beyond my control, excuses are never available. I had to learn how to problem solve effectively, and thrive under the pressure to get the job done right on the first attempt. Accomplishing these goals helped me to solidify the belief that anything is possible as long as you are willing to put in necessary hard work and were able to effectively plan and break down the work into manageable pieces.

I believe that my experience in working for my father’s landscaping business has provided me with the foundation to be a successful lawyer. I want to be able to support as many small businesses as possible, and to help protect them, and their owners rights and interests after law school. I believe that my determination, management skills , work ethic and understanding of my capabilities will help me succeed throughout law school. Dreams are important. Never giving up on those dreams by seizing every opportunity that arises to fulfill them is the underlying theme in the story of my life. I will always remember the lessons that I learned working for my father. I hope to use my legal education as a way to allow future small- family owned businesses to succeed as they are not only important for their local economies, but help create strong character traits in the employees of the business.

xyzzzzzzzz
Posts: 463
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:28 pm

Re: personal statement

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Fri Jun 18, 2010 12:31 am

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
philosoraptor
Posts: 708
Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:49 am

Re: personal statement

Postby philosoraptor » Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:46 am

Look at your last graf, second sentence. Do you have an anecdote on that theme that you could use instead to help tie everything together? Any situation in which you were like, "Gosh, I sure wish I had a law degree so that I could deal with this better"? That might be a stronger hook than "I learned about hard work and responsibility in my dad's company." Just a thought.

If you don't have one, though, this tangle of weeds can still be landscaped into something passable.

Red means fix of grammar fail; green means highly recommended. (Look closely at punctuation -- e.g., the hyphens in "day-to-day" are red.) Feel free to ask if anything's confusing.

northwood wrote:Thunder clapped off in the near distance as I looked up at the sky, wondering when the rains will would start. The oppressive humidity dropped, and the wind picked up. humidity, once so oppressing, had suddenly gone away, and the wind became stronger. “Time to pack up for the day, we’re done. We’ll finish it up tomorrow,.” I told tell to the members of my landscaping crew. The customer agreed, and The customer comes out, and reaffirms what I have been observing. “ Storm’s coming, I’ll see you all tomorrow.” I helped clean up the jobsite and tie down all of the machinery and toolsand returned back to the shop.

At the shop, I took a look around, as other employees went home for the day. We really made it, I said to myself. Look at how far we have come. It then hits me; my dad’s dream of owning a successful landscape business had ceased being a dream, and became a reality. Years of hard work, long hours, constant creation and modification of schedules and procedures have helped solidify the business’s core customers and create its own niche in the local economy had turned my dad's dream of owning a successful landscape business into a reality. I have deferred my goal of becoming a lawyer in service of my father's dream, and now it's time for me to focus on my own.

I listened to the storm outside and reflected on my own personal growth over the past 12 years, and realize that while I feel content with how things had progressed in my life so far, I was still in search of fulfillment. I have set aside my dream of becoming a lawyer to help fulfill the dreams of my father. It is time to start focusing on my dream, incorporating the tools that I have acquired and utilized in the family business to attend and succeed in law school.

I have learned a lot of lessons from working in the landscape industry business. Besides learning how to maintain and install landscape[-s? -ing?] and the day-to-day operation of a business (scheduling, creating estimates for potential clients, responding to customer feedback, supervising a small crew of workers), I have learned the value of hard work [<--facepalm-evoking. please find non-cliche way to phrase.], the importance of a good reputation, and the necessity of proper time and resource management. I also learned that in order to become and remain successful, I have to constantly self- reflect and make necessary changes to my goals and plans. My success has required me constantly to re-evaluate and improve my goals and plans.

At my father’s business I was part of numerous projects that evolved from simple drawings to a living mini ecosystem consisting of numerous types of plants and ground cover. I had the satisfaction of delivering to the customers a service that not only enhanced their property, but created a tranquil outdoor room where they could unwind from their day. Coping with unforeseen factors such as the elements helped me to develop versatile time-management practices which can be utilized in many settings. Quitting on a job once begunwas never an option. To do so would place a black mark on the company’s reputation, as well as taint my reputation and integrity. If it took longer to complete a job the right way, then it would be done, regardless if the extra time was not factored in the estimate. The only thing that matters is getting the job done right the first time. A reputation is very powerful. It can open doors, or lock them shut without offering you a rebuttal. I learned that it is difficult to enhance a reputation, but easy to ruin it.Taking on a job To take on a job that wasbeyond my capabilities without delivering and not delivera high-quality, error free finished project would be more detrimental to the company and my own reputation than simply turning to simply turn down the offer to bid.

Throughout my {UG SCHOOL} years, I came home and worked during breaks. I used the time began to use the time at work to increase my management techniques [what? increase your management skill, perhaps?], as well as to develop an understanding of implied notions that customers said, without actually speaking the exact words to increase my skill and management and interacting with customers. I began to look forward to the days working under the hot sun, for I knew that I learned invaluable lessons each and every day at work. Our customer base is a decent sampling of the local population, with clients ranging from office workers to members of the local government. Every customer and every project presented their own unique challenges and personalities. Specifically responding to the individual challenges within the overall project was a key component that had to be addressed in the project’s plan.I learned to plan objectives and benchmarks for the projectthat reflected the personality of the individual each customer. Every objective and benchmark had to fit within an overall working plan to ensure that the project would be completed properly and on time.If a customer emphasized a particular area of their her (or his -- pick one) yard, I made sure that part emphasized was done first. This way I could compare my belief to their tastes and likes/dislikes to the customers response, and make necessary changes to the plan. I preferred to tackle the most difficult parts of the project first when possible, so that there would be more room for adjustments and modifications. With elements such as weather conditions and unforeseen obstacles beyond my control, excuses are never available.I had to learn how to problem solve effectively [jargony -- use your own words and be more specific], and I thrived under the pressure to get the job done right on the first attempt. Accomplishing these goals helped me to solidify the belief that anything is possible as long as you are willing to put in necessary hard work and were able to effectively plan and break down the work into manageable pieces.

I believe that my experience in working for my father’s landscaping business has provided me with the foundation to be a successful lawyer. I want to be able to support as many small businesses as possible, and to help protect them, and their owners rights and interests after law school. [This absolutely needs to be rewritten. "Support small businesses" sounds like you want to invest. And protect them against what? Clarify your goals, because obviously you've got a good foundation for them.] I believe that my determination, management skills, work ethic and understanding of my capabilities will help me succeed throughout law school. Dreams are important. Never giving up on those dreams by seizing every opportunity that arises to fulfill them is the underlying theme in the story of my life. I will always remember the lessons that I learned working for my father. I hope to use my legal education to help other family-owned businesses as a way to allow future small- family owned businesses to succeed as they are not only important for their local economies, but help create strong character traits in the employees of the business. I'm not sold on this ending. Are you going for something like "I wanna help small businesses help the next generation of kids like me"? Might make a snappy line to go out on if you can find a way to say it concisely -- don't feel like writing it for you.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.