first few paragraphs of PS. headed in the right direction?

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ps help please
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:48 pm

first few paragraphs of PS. headed in the right direction?

Postby ps help please » Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:54 pm

hey, so i just started this like an hour ago and i'm just wondering if i'm headed in the right direction. all criticism/advice is welcome! thanks.

p.s. did i put too much emphasis on me drinking alcohol? would it be sufficient for me to say that i got caught drinking during senior week (beach week...) in high school?

The first time I consumed alcohol was the summer after eighth grade. Growing up with an alcoholic mother and a workaholic father had an impact on my decisions as a teenager. Of course every teenager strives to be as rebellious as they possibly can, but not all teenagers get into trouble for his or her actions. By the time I had turned 18, the social drinking had turned into a habit – which in turn became an addiction. Eventually I finally got into trouble with the law at the end of my senior year in high school. When I was given the option of either paying a hefty fine or participating in a community service program, there was no choice: not because I favored one over the other, but because mom and dad wouldn’t bail me out this time. I signed up for the community service and cleared my calendar of every fun event I had planned for the next month.

The organization to which I was assigned was a local food center that distributed food to people in need. The days were long, the work was tedious and boring. I went into the experience with the most negative of attitudes. The way I saw it, I was here to work my hours, send my little paper to the Montgomery County court system and then I was off to live the rest of my life. But the way I saw it wasn’t exactly how it happened.

To that point, I had lived my life in a very nice suburban community, with a doctor for a father and an elementary school teacher for a mother. I played a $1,500 dollar guitar. I was given a car when I turned 16. My house literally had a white picket fence. I was the archetypal American teenager. Along with all of these attributes, I also had my fair share of stereotypes. And it’s important to understand that these stereotypes stemmed from being sheltered rather than being a supremacist. One of these preconceived notions I had was that all needy people (i.e. homeless, poor, etc.) were lazy, addicted to drugs, uneducated, and socially unacceptable. I was repulsed by them. Never in a million years would I have expected community service, let alone assigned community service, to change my assumptions about people in need. Contrary to my expectations, that’s exactly what happened.

The first day I worked my time was spent separating the good cucumbers from the rotten cucumbers. And just then I realized that these people were eating the food that didn’t “make the cut” at the grocery stores................


annnnd that's all i have so far. i'm sure it's obvious where i'm going with it. i.e. the people that i actually gave the food to were all completely different than how i had assumed they were, mostly victims of circumstance etc etc etc.

thanks again in advance.

-jeff

starsong
Posts: 421
Joined: Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:35 pm

Re: first few paragraphs of PS. headed in the right direction?

Postby starsong » Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:18 am

You're a good writer. Your story is interesting, too. I do think you're spending too much time on the alcohol story. It's too negative, and its sole purpose is to explain how you started doing community service. Consider starting with your suburban life, you can mention the alcohol addiction simply as the reason why you began community service. Something like, "my sheltered life was forever changed when, as a result of <alcohol addiction in a half-sentence>, I was assigned to community service in xyz..."

cylusr
Posts: 55
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 4:03 am

Re: first few paragraphs of PS. headed in the right direction?

Postby cylusr » Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:37 am

Threre are a number of typos I would change. Also read it out loud somethings aren't typos they are just flow issues; problems with word choice. You need to be more precise as well. Either talk about being an ass hole republican who hates the poor, or an overprivelaged troubled teen. One of these subjects needs to be the focus. You can still use "alchohlic overprivilaged teen" as a lead in, but you need to shorten it.

Jetsetter
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:50 am

Re: first few paragraphs of PS. headed in the right direction?

Postby Jetsetter » Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:40 pm

You kind of contradict each other regarding your parents. In the first paragraph you are kinda using them as a reason or excuse for why you fell in to the situation. Then in a later paragraph you say you had an easy normal middle class upbringing. Which is it?




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