Is this DS Worthy?

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
NaijaLaw
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Is this DS Worthy?

Postby NaijaLaw » Wed Sep 01, 2010 8:49 pm

*thanks Chicky-poos* :)
Last edited by NaijaLaw on Wed Sep 08, 2010 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 8:54 pm

This is the third essay in a row that I have read today in which the reader may not like the writer, and, oddly, all written by female applicants. Too much self pity, not enough mature insights & lacking empathy for others.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:53 pm

I'm not seeing too much self-pity. I am, however, seeing a rather unclear first paragraph and underdeveloped thoughts throughout.

A few suggestions ...

First Paragraph -- why were you "pretending" to focus on classwork? That detail might seem minor, but it actually serves to contradict your point. If you could not handle both having family members in the hopsital and your classwork, than perhaps you weren't performing well despite "insurmountable adversity," as you go on to maintain you have.

Second paragraph--

However, any angst quickly gave way to maturity when I look at them and realize my issues could not even compare


This is extremely unclear.

Third paragraph --a wee bit histrionic: comparison to "ER" all other stressors "pale in comparison"


Rewrite. And focus less on how bad you had it, and more on the strength you've obtained through your various ordeals. That should alleviate any issues of self-pity. :)

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:42 pm

The self pity becomes evident in the final three sentences of your writing starting with "After years of caring...". Self pity is present in the first & second paragraphs as well, but it becomes excessive in the third paragraph.
Different readers can have different opinions; for example, I think that your first two paragraphs are very well written & that the last sentence of the second paragraph is clear & effective.

You are struggling with an ending because your essay is already complete. To make it more persuasive, you may want to consider rewriting your final three sentences. Rather than concluding in a "now it's my turn for attention" fashion try to relate your hardships to your development of a mature perspective on life's challenges & on your ability to empathize with the difficulties faced by others.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:05 pm

DELETE: "...it is now time to take care of myself."

DELETE: "...what at times can seem like insurmountable adversity."

DELETE (and change, of course): The entire final sentence.

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12AngryMen
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby 12AngryMen » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:16 pm

I tend to disagree. It in fact hits the spot on the head. It shows that which you have overcame. It is written extrememly good. I applaud you and this statement.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:30 pm

The OP didn't have sickle cell anemia nor did she suffer two strokes & an aneurism; she didn't overcome these illnesses,she just had to modify her life in accordance with the needs of her family members' sufferings.

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bk1
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby bk1 » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:44 pm

I'm surprised nobody touched on this, but this doesn't seem like a DS to me. Having sick family members doesn't really seem like it brings diversity to the class, IMO.

hijodehombre
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby hijodehombre » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:59 pm

bk1 wrote:I'm surprised nobody touched on this, but this doesn't seem like a DS to me. Having sick family members doesn't really seem like it brings diversity to the class, IMO.


I was thinking the same thing. It has the potential to be a compelling PS, but it doesn't seem to be DS worthy.

JJDancer
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby JJDancer » Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:44 pm

bk1 wrote:I'm surprised nobody touched on this, but this doesn't seem like a DS to me. Having sick family members doesn't really seem like it brings diversity to the class, IMO.


+1
OP: I think it could be a DS but you'd have to actually talk about how this brings diversity in thought/viewpoint to your LS class. If you are just using it to show you have not had a typical experience, that's not the point of a DS, imho.

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NU_Jet55
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby NU_Jet55 » Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:50 pm

This is not a DS.

Edited for RC Fail
Last edited by NU_Jet55 on Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Sep 05, 2010 1:52 pm

Most likely the OP is a URM as sickle cell anemia is mentioned, which is most common in African-Americans (affecting about 1 in 500 AAs born in the US). Also the OP was planning to add a concluding paragraph that might address racial/ethnic influences on her development.
P.S. The OP's post heading notes that she is "AA".

deadhipsters
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby deadhipsters » Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:02 pm

Given that you are both black and a female, I would not burn a diversity statement on family illness. Your story is not uncommon at all. I can think off the top of my head over a half dozen people who have had family members who were seriously ill or who died when they were in HS/ college. And as Candianwolf stated the DS is full of self-pity, which I personally did not appreciate and I doubt admissions counselors will either. Revise and come back with something else. Good luck.

NaijaLaw
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby NaijaLaw » Wed Sep 08, 2010 10:46 pm

I was on the fence about this essay but I do feel it does in fact display the diversification I can bring to a classroom. Yes ppl may have loved ones who died in HS or younger but I doubt many spent 50% of each month (Every month for 20+yrs) bedside in a hospital(do u hear violins? I Don't) I'm hoping my closer will bring it home for Certain individuals who may feel this is a sob story. Thanks for the comments guys! I appreciate ppl actually reviewing the things I post on here...I usually feel like I'm posting into a vacuum. Lol Worst case scenario i make it a PS...

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bk1
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Re: Is this DS Worthy?

Postby bk1 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 3:02 am

NaijaLaw wrote:I was on the fence about this essay but I do feel it does in fact display the diversification I can bring to a classroom. Yes ppl may have loved ones who died in HS or younger but I doubt many spent 50% of each month (Every month for 20+yrs) bedside in a hospital(do u hear violins? I Don't) I'm hoping my closer will bring it home for Certain individuals who may feel this is a sob story. Thanks for the comments guys! I appreciate ppl actually reviewing the things I post on here...I usually feel like I'm posting into a vacuum. Lol Worst case scenario i make it a PS...


This still shows overcoming adversity and not bringing diversity. They are not synonymous. i.e. Dealing with cancer may make you rare but it does not make you diverse.




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