One mistake after another

T4_1L_lemming
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 6:35 pm

One mistake after another

Postby T4_1L_lemming » Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:05 pm

These last few weeks have been unusual to say the least. I feel like I've gone through so many changes, that I might be morphing into a completely different person. The introduction of knowledge in the world, and seemless integration into the human mind gives an opportunity to understand many things that may have been less than understandable before. Strangers to this land, coming with a purpose, the thought of having something greater than what many people spend their lives chasing. Duty. Unusual isn't it. Something that many people crave, through different conquests, undeniably growing impatient when faced with the answer of time. The worst answer that is felt in our hearts, is that time will bring about change. For better or worse, it may be the deterioration of certain things in a persons life, but worse eventually arrives and no amount of preparation can get someone ready for what they seem to be facing in the not so distant future.
Through this jabber, and jiber, these random thoughts, there might actually be a prevailing purpose. My nature is not that of a loner, but the transition into a new city, has left me with even fewer associates, and people in my recent calls list. Oh how that list was ever changing, and like the rest of my life has begun to stagnate.
The Fourth week of law school begins tomorrow, well today seeing as how its close to 2AM. A little recap for myself, someone who may be forgetting what it was like three weeks ago. a not so young starry eyed individual, who told himself and others "This time it'll be different. The thoughts that raced in my head when I took that year off, the inner desire that I thought was there to learn and grow intellectually seems to have died. I knew it at the finish of the first week, that I wasn't ready for this. i tell myself things are going to change...but have they? Other than being transplanted into an unknown area, and personally undesirable there isn't much that seems to have changed. Delaying the inevitable seems much more exciting, like the anticipation of a flower blooming in the spring time. We plant seeds in the fall, and give nothing and even yet still the flower seems to bloom. Time, a deeper possible understanding of plant life, but nothing more.
Seems like if Law school was a plant I'd be pretty excited, well more than I am now. More random thoughts to come when they may. internet at my house got disconnected.

T4_1L_lemming
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 6:35 pm

Re: One mistake after another

Postby T4_1L_lemming » Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:28 am

holding on to something familiar, even though its probably the thing that is holding me back. Time seems to move so quickly and with the rush of classes, the finish line seems to come and go with each class.
But in the back of my mind I know that time is running out. People say that these are 10 weeks I'll never get back, but for some reason that's not enough to drop everything and focus. The air has cooled considerably outside, and while most of the city sleeps, and still others study I roam these streets at night looking for motivation or a sign or what ever it might be that would just calm me down and help me through the work.
I can see myself 11 weeks from now, saying I could have done so much more and yet that's not enough to get me going. It feels like time is already up, mainly because I see all of the time i spent doing things that didnt help the bottom line.

T4_1L_lemming
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 6:35 pm

Re: One mistake after another

Postby T4_1L_lemming » Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:35 am

I've had a lot of free time lately, mostly because of my distractions and feeling like i should wait for the professor to teach the subject before I even try to comprehend it. I guess this can be seen as the start of my downfall. Back home everyone's waiting for me to fail, just so they can say they told me so. That should have been enough to jump start my desire to prove everyone wrong, whether or not I told them they were wrong outright, at least in my mind i would know I accomplished something worth bragging about even if it was to myself.

I created a list, a list of all of the things I should probably do that would get me at least into the top 10%. People say that one should never plan on being part of the top 10%, but sitting in class its quite obvious who has the higher chance of being on top, and who will probably mess up the final even though between now and then they may learn all of the necessary black letter law. I know which side I want to be on,and I know what I would like to do five years from now, but this innate desire to slack off, and shy away from things that are unfamiliar is and could possibly be the case of my downfall.
a few days ago i wrote up the list, previously mentioned in the paragraph above, and well if I were to follow it to the letter, I would probably end up with a pretty high rank,.....and even knowing this, knowing that there is a chance, there are too many things that are distracting me from doing so.
but I dont want to feel like this, knowing that in 10 or 11 weeks how disappointed with myself i will be. A part of me wants to prove it to myself that I can do more, I just wish that part was a bit bigger.

T4_1L_lemming
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 6:35 pm

Re: One mistake after another

Postby T4_1L_lemming » Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:45 am

what am I afraid of? actually doing something with my life, and getting somewhere...Is that whats bothering me so much lately..Ive gotten to a point, a sort of crossroads, the point where what i do can make a difference, not only what I do, but also how much of it.
The wind outside has picked up speed, better for me i think, knowing full well im spending my food money on rent, and my rent money on electricity. Thoughts like these keep me up at night. for the past 3 days Ive only slept a handful of hours, and the cold hard truth bites my skin and holds on tighter than the mosquito on the other side of my arm,..the one Im powerless to shoo away, I stare at it and it grows larger taking my blood away from me just like with each passing second the most important weeks of my life are slipping by.




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