Relationship Dilemma Forum

[jwells]

Just thought I'd post something I've been contemplating:

I'll be going to law school in Georgia this fall at either Emory or UGA. My boyfriend has an opportunity to go with me, or else he will transfer to Raleigh, NC where his company has another branch. We've been dating for 3 years and have lived together for 2 and have a very solid relationship.

My question is: should I have him come with me? Or just tell him to move to Raleigh? He is leaving this completely up to me because while he wants to live with me still, he is afraid he will be a distraction and wants to me make the decision.

I can't make a decision! I want him to be there with me of course, and I'm worried that if he goes to Raleigh I will never have time to see him on weekends. However, is it realistic to think that I'll be able to do very well in school and spend hours studying at the library while I know he's at home to be with?

Thanks!

[ozarkhack]

he is afraid he will be a distraction and wants to me make the decision.

Uh-oh, Scoob.

If that's not reason to worry (and it may very well not be) ... then you would definitely be happier with him in the same zip code.

[romothesavior]

It would be great to have his support and presence to keep you stable during LS.

Don't forget that law school success is only one part of your life picture. There are other areas of life that need to be tended to and maintained in order to achieve happiness in life. If you can get your degree and stay together (and perhaps get married and start a family down the road), then you should take the opportunity.

[bk1]

I think if you are disciplined enough then him living with you shouldn't be a problem (plenty of married people go to law school and live with their spouse).

What I think the real question to ask is about his career. I wasn't sure from your post whether or not he had a job where you would be going to school and I think that's what you have to decide on. If he has a job near Emory/UGA then is he okay with that job over the job in Raleigh? If he doesn't then does he want to find a new one?

To me it hinges on him (or both of you) making a decision based on his possible job/job prospects and balancing that with living together or apart.

[Pearalegal]

It should be his decision--its his career. Putting it on you is vaguely unfair though I can understand why he thinks thats best.

Tell him you'd love to have him close, naturally, but it has to be up to him.

Its not like you guys are talking about breaking up, so he needs to decide whats best for him professionally and personally.

[jmhendri]

I knew a guy who's girlfriend (now wife) moved with him to law school. He said that the support and comfort was awesome, the only drawbacks were that it was more challenging socially (having to maneuver around the couple junk) and the one time she got drunk off martinis in their apartment during a take home exam.

[jwells]

His career, lucky for us, isn't an issue in this decision. He will have the same job with the same company making the same amount of money regardless. They just are letting us decide whether he wants to be in Raleigh or Atlanta/Athens, Georgia -His company has branches with open positions in both places and he will be relocating August 1.

Additionally, we aren't completely set on ending up in a specific city after I graduate, we just want to stay in the southeast.

[joeshmo39]

His career, lucky for us, isn't an issue in this decision. He will have the same job with the same company making the same amount of money regardless. They just are letting us decide whether he wants to be in Raleigh or Atlanta/Athens, Georgia -His company has branches with open positions in both places and he will be relocating August 1.

Additionally, we aren't completely set on ending up in a specific city after I graduate, we just want to stay in the southeast.

Maybe Georgia would be good then, if he has the some professional opportunities. You could consider getting separate places near each other so you each had your own space and that might reduce study-time distractions. It would also be more expensive obviously but it depends on how much you think it will be a concern.

[Pearalegal]

His career, lucky for us, isn't an issue in this decision. He will have the same job with the same company making the same amount of money regardless. They just are letting us decide whether he wants to be in Raleigh or Atlanta/Athens, Georgia -His company has branches with open positions in both places and he will be relocating August 1.

Additionally, we aren't completely set on ending up in a specific city after I graduate, we just want to stay in the southeast.

I still just say its his call. Obviously after 5 years, you guys know how to be happy in your relationship and respectful of one another, and I don't see why law school would change that.

It is, however, still entirely his decision where he wants to live. Sounds like he wants to live with you, cool! Its not like law school isn't part of normal life, you still gotta do all the things in your personal life you'd want to do if you weren't in law school.

[seespotrun]

I think it would be more of a distraction to maintain a long distance relationship in LS than to live with your SO. Plus, long distance relationships suck ass and hardly ever fair well for either partner.

Ask him to come along for the ride. You'll get some great support when LS is taking its toll on you, you'll be happier with your SO, and it will likely be less distracting than having to drive to Raleigh every other weekend.

[bk1]

Not to be presumptuous but I think the answer is that he should stick with you in GA. As long as he understands the time commitment that LS will be for you it seems the right answer if you guys are serious. LS is going to take discipline whether or not he is there.

I am assuming of course that he would rather live with you in GA than not live with you in NC.

[bilbobaggins]

I don't understand why Raleigh is even an option if he has the same opportunity to stay with you.

Why is this a question again?

[DoubleChecks]

I vote yes. LDR sucks and would probably just be more stressful for the both of you. The two of you have already lived together for 2 yrs; i dont think it'd be some new distractions (unless i mean it is already really distracting for you to live with him???)

I get why he says this is up to you though. He's given you his opinion and deferring the rest to you, which makes sense in the sense that he is quite ambivalent about which post he is assigned to: same pay, same job, etc.

I dont necessarily agree w/ the part where pearalegal says it should be HIS decision...it should be BOTH your decisions lol. Talk it out, you both seem to want the same thing. Neither wants to step on the other's toes, but that doesnt seem to be the case here so...good luck!

[sugarcat]

If this is a serious and committed relationship, and if his professional life won't take a hit by being with you, by ALL means have him move with you. Having him to come home to will be a wonderful source of support, familiarity and stability in what will otherwise be a strong hit to your comfort zone. I was in a very similar situation as you, and I chose to make the leap without him. And then my very happy, stable relationship broke up by the end of my 1L year. Sure, it might have been an indication that things weren't as solid as I imagined they were going into school, but I think it ended mainly because I couldn't handle the stress of both schoolwork and an LDR at the same time. It becomes easier for things to drift apart when both of you have totally new lives and not enough time (or, perhaps, will) to make it work.

[jwells]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate all feedback very sincerely. I was getting a lot of opinions explaining that I "need to be very selfish my 1L year especially" and should just have him move to Raleigh so that I only have myself to deal with. Nice to hear support for the other side.

[mac.empress]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate all feedback very sincerely. I was getting a lot of opinions explaining that I "need to be very selfish my 1L year especially" and should just have him move to Raleigh so that I only have myself to deal with. Nice to hear support for the other side.

Your life won't only be about law school. Stay together, hon, stay together.