How to approach an issue involving a stalker with firm's HR. Forum

[Anonymous User]

Anon due to sensitive nature of the post.

I'll be an incoming associate at a biglaw firm this fall. I have a very common name (both first and last) and I want an honest opinion from you all about whether it would be inappropriate to ask the firm not to post a picture under my name.

I have been party to two lawsuits involving an estranged family member that has stalked and harassed my sister and I, on and off for the last 7 years. If making the request to HR, do I provide documentation? How should I approach this conversation generally? I should also note that I don't know whether this person knows I was in law school and that I just graduated. I attended law school out of state and while during my second year of law school, I received threats from them disclosing they knew the state I was in, they've made no mention of knowing that I am in law school. I mention this because if they do somehow know I graduated from a law school in the state that I am in, then they'd easily be able to put together where I work picture or no picture. However, my name is common enough to where I am hoping that this step would help.

I also want to know if I would be perceived as a liability if I warned my firm up front about the possibility that this individual will email the firm with lies about me should they find out that I work there. They've done this with past employers.

[crazywafflez]

This is a horrible situation. I'm terribly sorry.

First, you probs don't need to provide any specific information to them. I think you can just say for privacy reasons you'd like to not have your photo up on the firm's webpage. It isn't that uncommon and I do occasionally see firms that just have only the name and credentials of the associate but not their pic.

As far as your second, I'm not sure. Will the stalker even know who to message at the firm? You could certainly just tell HR everything and see how'd they'd like to handle it, but I could understand not wanting to have them be privy to everything.

Sorry I can't be of further help and best of luck.

[PaperView]

Whatever you do, WAIT until AFTER you start at the firm to raise this issue to HR because unkind as this may seem it's a red flag compared to associates who don't bring this issue to the firm.

Most firms don't put photos up on day one, so there's no need to tell them about this now. It's unfair, but this unfortunate situation can make you look like a liability. Law firms don't want problems from their personnel and a stalker can be viewed as a safety and other issue that impacts your safety and other building occupants' safety. The firm has greater exposure in revoking your employment after you've started than it does before you start. In some states you have employment protections based on issues like domestic violence. You could also more easily prove why you were let go if you start first, tell them this, and then they react poorly.

Ideally they'll handle it well and help you deal with the issue. Plenty of people don't have firm photos.

[Anonymous User]

This is a horrible situation. I'm terribly sorry.

First, you probs don't need to provide any specific information to them. I think you can just say for privacy reasons you'd like to not have your photo up on the firm's webpage. It isn't that uncommon and I do occasionally see firms that just have only the name and credentials of the associate but not their pic.

As far as your second, I'm not sure. Will the stalker even know who to message at the firm? You could certainly just tell HR everything and see how'd they'd like to handle it, but I could understand not wanting to have them be privy to everything.

Sorry I can't be of further help and best of luck.

Thank you. It's a relief to know that the photo thing would likely not be a big deal. About knowing who to message at the firm, I've thought about this quite a bit and unfortunately have even lost sleep over it. For the firm I'm going to, there's an option to click on "people" and then one of the first options says "management committee" and each person filed under that category has a location and email address. Based on past actions, I think they would likely email that person or spam random associates that are in the same office. I definitely don't want to tell HR but I am terrified about random associates reaching out to HR and flagging the emails.

It's especially frustrating as there doesn't seem to be a legal course of action here that would provide more than short term relief (I have tried). Things have been pretty quiet since I started law school with the exception of my receiving a few messages, and I am really hoping it stays that way.

[Anonymous User]

Whatever you do, WAIT until AFTER you start at the firm to raise this issue to HR because unkind as this may seem it's a red flag compared to associates who don't bring this issue to the firm.

Most firms don't put photos up on day one, so there's no need to tell them about this now. It's unfair, but this unfortunate situation can make you look like a liability. Law firms don't want problems from their personnel and a stalker can be viewed as a safety and other issue that impacts your safety and other building occupants' safety. The firm has greater exposure in revoking your employment after you've started than it does before you start. In some states you have employment protections based on issues like domestic violence. You could also more easily prove why you were let go if you start first, tell them this, and then they react poorly.

Ideally they'll handle it well and help you deal with the issue. Plenty of people don't have firm photos.

Thanks for the advice. I definitely would not bring it up until after I start working. It is predictable yet still a bummer that this situation would reflect poorly on me. It doesn't help that in previous instances where they've messaged my employer, the messages were absolutely unhinged and had an almost violent undertone. Fortunately, the HR team worked with the IT/security department at my previous place of employment and they were able to help in some ways.

[Pneumonia]

Yes, it is totally appropriate to ask the firm to omit your picture.

The most important thing is something that your post already does: convey this information facts-first and in a measured tone. When discussing it, I would do just what you did here: (1) I don't want my picture on the website, (2) because I have a history of receiving threats from an estranged family member, (3) which is documented in these lawsuits that I have brought copies of. Plain and simple. After that, you can explain that you're not worried about having your name up. Even if your name were highly uncommon, keeping that info off the website would be a much, much bigger ask. So you might consider framing it as "I know may name needs to be on the website, but I'm thankful that it is so common."

Unfortunately, the other posters are correct that most people hearing this will begin in "skeptical" mode rather than "neutral" mode. Their first thought will also very likely be how to save themselves and the firm from liability, not how to help you. That is unjust, and it shouldn't happen, but it does. Even if you are at a firm that outwardly conveys different defaults--whether through wellness committees, women's safety initiatives, etc.--do not be fooled. The mostly non-lawyers on those committees don't run the show. However, and fortunately, you can quickly overcome skepticism, and quickly get people on your side, by doing what you are already doing as discussed above.

For that reason, I would not mention that the stalker might send disparaging comments to the firm. That kind of material usually reveals itself to be baseless just by the manner in which it is communicated. And also, it happens more than you might think (though usually from dissatisfied clients, jealous former colleagues, or angry opposing parties attempting to be anonymous). The firm will have internal processes for how to address it. You may never even hear about it. But if you do, having already made the no-picture request will very likely be explanation enough.

Here are a few other practical tips.

Depending on the firm, you may be asked to sit for pictures as early as your first week on the job. That's especially true if your firm does any kind of "all associate" onboarding process. If that happens, just don't sit for the picture. Firms are big places, so by the time you talk to someone about not posting it, the marketing team may have already done it (at which point it will quickly be scraped and archived, and will appear on those search-by-face engines). Ditto if the firm asks you to provide your own photo. Just don't do it.

You are correct to be thinking about which partners to talk to. This is not an HR-only issue. The partners in your practice group will wonder why your pic isn't up in any event, so you might as well tell them early. (Partners and associates browse their own firm's website all the time.) It may need to begin with HR, but it probably won't end there. Due to firm politics, you should have at least one partner from your office and practice group "in the loop." Now, that might be hard to do, because you very likely (and understandably) don't want this situation to be the first topic of converstaion that you have with anyone--partner or otherwise. But if there is some partner that you know even kinda well from your summer, or from the recruiting process, you should consider including them early.

Depending on your circumstances, you might also consider asking the firm to omit your graduation year from your web bio. It's mostly older attorneys that do that, but it could give you an extra layer of distance.

The firm may have a redlist of people who aren't allowed in the building. If the firm brings that up, feel free to suggest adding the name. But I probably wouldn't bring it up yourself, at least not until after the picture thing is sorted, and you've had some time to build your rep as a normal and reasonable person.

[Dcc617]

I do wonder how many of y'all giving advice actually know anything about law firms. I think not, based on how a lot of y'all are suggesting that this somehow reflects poorly on the poster.

People can generally wrap their heads around others being in scary situations and it not being their fault. Like, if there's a steady calvacade of drama that's one thing, but this is a discrete situation that is sympathetic.

Also, it's not like the partners at the firm are going to be advised on this and keeping tabs. The poster will deal with like recruiting or HR. It's a totally reasonable request and easy to accommodate. Nobody else will notice or care, especially as a junior associate. There's no reason to worry about managing your rep or the stuff the posters above were saying. Just be normal with your coworkers and nobody will be worried about why you don't have a photo on the website.

[Anonymous User]

Original poster, if you talk to the firm the way you conveyed in your post, you will be fine. You come across as calm and neutral in your tone. If your stalker emails the firm, I suspect (hope) it will be in a more unhinged/less credible tone. Plus, the firm will know you and won't know them. Plus you've documented it.

A lot of advice is going to be firm specific. At my large V5, if your photo wasn't on the website, no one would think anything of it. Like it would be weird but...eh? If someone not close to you asked, I'd just say laugh, say "long story" and change the topic. It was common for people's pictures not to be on the website for extended periods. If someone you cared about asked, then you could explain.

At a smaller firm - say, 20 or 25 lawyers, you might need to explain to more people. Or tell your mentor partner and let them explain on your behalf.

I'm generally skeptical of law firm incentives: they don't need to care about associates and therefore do not. But I feel like this is an area in which most firms will show humanity. I really really have a hard time imagining even the nastiest partners at my V5 push back on this.

[Anonymous User]

I’ve been at my firm for almost 2 years and have no photo. Whenever they ask me to take a photo, I say no thanks.

[Anonymous User]

I also am so sorry this is happening to you. I have a slightly different take, though -- I know HR generally has a bad rap for being anti-employee, and that is true when there is a conflict between the firm and the employee (they will be on the firm's side), but I have worked in HR for a big bank and you likely will not be the first person to ever make a request like this and HR likely will be accommodating. Even if you think HR is filled with horrible people, it is better for the firm to be flexible about your picture than to be implicated as aiding a stalker if they were to find you via the firm's website. I know this is extreme, but have you thought about changing your name professionally? Like if your name is Alison Anne Smith, going by Anne Smith professionally? The start of your career would be a good time to make that change if that is at all in the cards for you.

[Anonymous User]

OP -- I went through something similar, although in my case it was a mentally ill girlfriend, not a family member, who stalked and harassed me. I think you'll find that this is more common than you think; when I disclosed this to the managing partners in my office, they each told me stories of people they knew, personally and professionally, who'd gone through similar ordeals. Disclosure is the right move.

If you haven't already, you need to obtain some kind of restraining order against this person--whether it's an anti-stalking order, civil protective order, or whatever else your jurisdiction offers. It's not a perfect solution, but it will at least give the stalker some pause before further harassing you. And if they eventually harass you anyway, you'll be able to initiate contempt proceedings against them. Obtaining a protective order will also make it easier to disclose this to current and future employers; if a court were to confirm (via entering a protective order) that this person in fact stalked you, you would have no reason to fear that people at your firm won't believe you, or that they'll believe any lies this person may tell them, etc.

Before I obtained a restraining order against my stalker, I hemmed and hawed over whether it was the right decision. Looking back, while it was definitely a stressful and sometimes frightening process, it was 100% the right move. If you stay in this profession for a while, your face will inevitably end up on some kind of website. You shouldn't feel like you have to remain anonymous for the rest of your life to avoid harassment.