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I’m a 3L who just accepted a post-graduation job at a V100 firm in a very small market (the office has fewer than 50 attorneys). My offer is for the litigation team, which only has about 15 people—they hire about 1 entry-level litigation associate a year.

My fiancée is a year behind me in law school (so, she’s in 2L and is wrapping up her OCI process). She is obviously trying to get a job in the same city as me, which again is a very small market. She also wants a biglaw litigation spot, which leaves very few options.

My firm offered her a 2L SA position in litigation, but they don’t know that we’re engaged. Can she accept the offer? Do we have to tell the firm? If we do have to tell the firm, when and how should we have that conversation? I’m worried about what this would mean for practice and staffing, but I also care about my fiancée’s career; this is a great opportunity for her.

If she doesn’t accept this offer, her only other offers are midlaw (with a difference in pay of nearly $100k a year). Her decision deadline is Monday. Please help.

It might just be a question you have to ask your firm, as it's possible different firms have different policies.

That said, at both of the large NYC firms I was at, the rule was you can be married to another associate no problem but you can't both make partner at separate times. For example, if one part of the couple made partner first, the spouse wouldn't be able to make partner thereafter. I figure it's because of potential unfairness/bias issues but never asked about it.

I know several people who are married to someone else at the same firm, they just aren't both partners.

Edit: It might be weird for you both to work on the same cases. I don't know how that would work. But that's likely more an issue for your relationship and not something the firm necessarily has a strong objection against.

My firm has a strict no dating or marriage between attorneys at the firm policy. They are evidently pretty chill if something came up that would be against the policy, to the extent that means no immediate firings or terminations and allowing a 6 month off ramp for one of the pair to find another job. I understand that's not actually very chill, but could be worse. Not to worry you at all, I think this strict of a system is rare but not positive as it isn't something publicly posted by firms

At every firm I’ve worked at, spouses could work at the same firm. However, spouses could not work in the same practice group.

You won't be working at the firm while your fiancee is doing the summer associate program, correct? If that's the case, you both won't be employed by the firm at the same time this summer, so it's really an issue of what happens if she gets an offer at the end of the summer and decides to come back. She should do what's best for her career now, it'll be 2023 before both of you are at the firm at the same time, and anything can happen before then.

Ask HR. My V10 allows relationships but not on the same matters. Basically you can never work on the same stuff or oversee/review one another, but you can be in the same group still.

OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice. When should we talk to HR, and, who should bring it up (me or her)?

I've accepted my post-grad offer. She hasn't yet accepted the SA offer (but her decision is due Monday).

Wubbles wrote: ↑

Sat Oct 16, 2021 1:40 am

My firm has a strict no dating or marriage between attorneys at the firm policy. They are evidently pretty chill if something came up that would be against the policy, to the extent that means no immediate firings or terminations and allowing a 6 month off ramp for one of the pair to find another job. I understand that's not actually very chill, but could be worse. Not to worry you at all, I think this strict of a system is rare but not positive as it isn't something publicly posted by firms

Same. Boinking is totally fine. But dating crosses the line.

legalpotato wrote: ↑

Sat Oct 16, 2021 8:52 pm

Wubbles wrote: ↑

Sat Oct 16, 2021 1:40 am

My firm has a strict no dating or marriage between attorneys at the firm policy. They are evidently pretty chill if something came up that would be against the policy, to the extent that means no immediate firings or terminations and allowing a 6 month off ramp for one of the pair to find another job. I understand that's not actually very chill, but could be worse. Not to worry you at all, I think this strict of a system is rare but not positive as it isn't something publicly posted by firms

Same. Boinking is totally fine. But dating crosses the line.

I'm surprised by this. In my years, my firm always approached it pretty hands off. Just don't let it affect your work. People I know kept it confidential because they were in the same group (and may have had supervisory conflicts). In fact they may have met there (unsure).

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Sat Oct 16, 2021 8:42 pm

OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice. When should we talk to HR, and, who should bring it up (me or her)?

I've accepted my post-grad offer. She hasn't yet accepted the SA offer (but her decision is due Monday).

I wouldn't mention it until she starts as a full-time (non summer associate) associate unless specifically asked. So if I'm thinking the years right, somewhere around September 2023. And I wouldn't send an email, I would just pick up the phone and call or stop by the HR office and let them know in person. It should be noted that the calculus may be different if/when you get married

I just looked up my firm's policy out of curiosity (V10). It says that relationships are not banned, but they need to avoid the appearance of conflicts of interest or unfairness, most notably when it comes to one person supervising or influencing the career of another. All individuals dating a coworker need to take steps to avoid the appearance of conflicts (such as working together on the same client matters).

If one person supervises or has direct/indirect influence over the career of another, they need to report it to HR. From there, the firm will determine what action might be appropriate, which could include changing their assignments/responsibilities, transferring their location within the office, or separating one of the people from the firm.

Other than the above, you can do what you want.

HR has zero interest in helping you in any way and I recommend talking to them as little as possible.

I slept with, and dated, people in my group and never "disclosed" anything because everyone acted like an adult. If they had ever asked me about my personal life, I would've told them it's none of their goddamn business. Or maybe that since they asked me to spend 14 hours a day in the office and didn't consider my romantic schedule an excused absence, they probably should've expected my dating pool to become 100 feet wide.

Monochromatic Oeuvre wrote: ↑

Fri Oct 22, 2021 2:34 am

HR has zero interest in helping you in any way and I recommend talking to them as little as possible.

I slept with, and dated, people in my group and never "disclosed" anything because everyone acted like an adult. If they had ever asked me about my personal life, I would've told them it's none of their goddamn business. Or maybe that since they asked me to spend 14 hours a day in the office and didn't consider my romantic schedule an excused absence, they probably should've expected my dating pool to become 100 feet wide.

We’re getting married soon, so I feel like they’re going to find out eventually.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Fri Oct 22, 2021 10:10 am

Monochromatic Oeuvre wrote: ↑

Fri Oct 22, 2021 2:34 am

HR has zero interest in helping you in any way and I recommend talking to them as little as possible.

I slept with, and dated, people in my group and never "disclosed" anything because everyone acted like an adult. If they had ever asked me about my personal life, I would've told them it's none of their goddamn business. Or maybe that since they asked me to spend 14 hours a day in the office and didn't consider my romantic schedule an excused absence, they probably should've expected my dating pool to become 100 feet wide.

We’re getting married soon, so I feel like they’re going to find out eventually.

They won't care to find out if you do upfront sensible things. Don't work together. Never be in a position to review each other. Don't collaborate. Don't serve on any committees together. Essentially, firewall yourself from your spouse, leave it at that, and shut the fuck up. Seconding what the guy above said as far as HR is never your friend and you should interact with them as little as possible.

Do not tell the firm until she has accepted her post-summer offer. Maybe they find out during her summer (e.g., because she brings you to some event), but who cares, its not that big of a deal. Telling HR could get her offer rescinded because of some ultra-risk-averse HR manager, and then your fiance has just lost 100K/yr and the ability to work in biglaw in the same city as you. Don't risk it. Don't disclose until both of you have accepted offers.