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I clerked for two years and have been with my v-whatever-firm for two years. I'm not "self-harm" or "addict" miserable, but I have developed anxiety and depression since joining private practice (and the job is not even "that bad" comparatively), so I'm clearly not a fit for this kind of lifestyle. I'd like to try the in-house thing before leaving the profession altogether (alums from my school that I've spoken with generally seem happy with that choice).

I'm assuming the answer to my question is probably a hard, "no," but I am absolutely despairing at the prospect of having to continue doing firm work for at least three more years before I'm competitive. Any insight into this issue (or other advice for this kind of predicament)?

Probably not considering virtually zero skills obtained clerking are applicable to any in-house gig. In-house attorneys are hired for their substantive and actual experience.

Experience requirements aren't hard rules; no harm in applying if you otherwise think it's a good fit.