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I have posted about my job on here before and some of this may be familiar, so I'm sorry if that's the case.

I'm a former judicial clerk who recently started at a Biglaw firm in the litigation group. I really, really enjoyed clerking. In between, I did a brief stint of remote contracting at a small firm and liked it, but wasn't sure if they would ever make me a permanent employee like they initially talked about.
I honestly should never have left there. I fucked up so bad. I don't know if this place is actually that dysfunctional or if I just hate it, but it's only been a few months and I'm on two separate psych medications and still crying daily and dry heaving all the time because I'm so miserable. It's been weeks since I've had a day where I didn't work, I am drowning in assignments, and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about getting that next email. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick. Every time I put out one fire, another pops up within minutes. I have no time to come down from my regular panic attacks, and even the things that used to make me smile or laugh don't bring me happiness anymore. I'm told people are saying good things about my work, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't do this. I struggled with depression in college and thought I was better, but I'm not, as it turns out. Not at all.

I don't care about the money and would gladly take a huge pay cut for reasonable hours and lower expectations, but I signed a lease on an apartment I really can't afford on much less than this, so I'm stuck until my lease ends in November. I find myself dreaming about being hit by a car and injured badly enough that I can go on short-term disability. My plan after I leave here is to either go work for the government or courts at some level, or try to get in at a small firm like the one I was at previously (unfortunately, even though they said they'd have me back, they've filled my old position).

All of that brings me to my actual question. How do I make it for the next eight months and get out alive? Physically, how the fuck do I survive? I realize lots of people can and do work in Biglaw for much longer, but I'm at my breaking point one third of the way in. We're still remote, and I know it's going to be worse when we go back to the office, because then they'll want me at the office all the time and there's no friendly cat or comfy pants at the office to make me feel better for a moment.

So what do I do for the next 2/3 of a year? How do I set boundaries, get people to back off, get myself feeling better, anything? I'm genuinely scared I will end up the next "Biglaw associate kills herself" if something doesn't give soon. Please help.

Go to a therapist and get a doctors note. Bring it to your employer and ask for a reasonable accommodation, or, better yet, take fmla leave with short term disability.

My firm has a ramp up period for those coming back from leave, this is a good way to do less work while getting paid full time. A lot of firms do part time for people with disabilities. Half pay for half the hours. Not bad, there is some downsides like truly getting half hours with biglaw personalities.

Go back to full time and hope that you do not get work and people treat you like you’re part time. You could probably skate by for another few months.

Best of luck and take your mental health seriously.

In the very short term, say no to every new assignment you are offered. If you are on pace to bill over 2000 hours, you should not feel shamed into accepting at all. If there is atleast one benefit of billing, it's you can feel comfortable pushing back on too much work.

If you don't feel comfortable saying no, say "I'd be happy to help but cannot get to it until next Wednesday because I am working on other matters picking up now."

No one at the firm is going to stop you from over working yourself into misery. You need to take that step.

Could you start applying for anything/everything else now, and then if you get something else before November, can you get a roommate or sublet for the remainder of your lease? If offices start opening up again, more people may be looking for apartments again.

I also agree about FMLA leave.

I don’t think you can technically get FMLA since you haven’t been there for a year. However, I doubt a firm would fire an associate taking leave for mental health reasons.

The one thing that kept me going at a terrible job was the next job I was applying for. So, I would just keep looking for jobs and applying, using that desire to leave as fuel for getting through each day.

Why don’t you break your lease, pay the fees, and get a short term Airbnb rental for a few months? Sure it’s a lot of money, but better to spend it than ruin your mental health. That way instead of 8 months, it’s maybe 3 or 4. Just a thought.

nixy wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 29, 2021 11:09 pm

Could you start applying for anything/everything else now, and then if you get something else before November, can you get a roommate or sublet for the remainder of your lease? If offices start opening up again, more people may be looking for apartments again.

I also agree about FMLA leave.

Some of the jobs I'm looking at are in other cities, although some are local. I did consider this option, though. I don't know how well I'd do living with someone else, but getting a roommate may be worth considering.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 29, 2021 11:29 pm

Why don’t you break your lease, pay the fees, and get a short term Airbnb rental for a few months? Sure it’s a lot of money, but better to spend it than ruin your mental health. That way instead of 8 months, it’s maybe 3 or 4. Just a thought.

Because I'm a big stupid idiot. Unlike my last lease, this one doesn't have a provision that lets you break it and just pay fees, or I would. I've been over it a few times and I can't see anything in it that would get me out without being responsible for the rest of the term or joining the military and getting reassigned somewhere.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 29, 2021 10:56 pm

In the very short term, say no to every new assignment you are offered. If you are on pace to bill over 2000 hours, you should not feel shamed into accepting at all. If there is atleast one benefit of billing, it's you can feel comfortable pushing back on too much work.

If you don't feel comfortable saying no, say "I'd be happy to help but cannot get to it until next Wednesday because I am working on other matters picking up now."

No one at the firm is going to stop you from over working yourself into misery. You need to take that step.

I don't think I'm on pace to bill over 2000 right now, but that's because my first couple months were insanely slow and put me way behind. If you just look at the last two months, I'd probably be on pace to bill 2300 or so.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Mon Mar 29, 2021 11:17 pm

I don’t think you can technically get FMLA since you haven’t been there for a year. However, I doubt a firm would fire an associate taking leave for mental health reasons.

The one thing that kept me going at a terrible job was the next job I was applying for. So, I would just keep looking for jobs and applying, using that desire to leave as fuel for getting through each day.

The problem is that I wouldn't be able to accept any job that pays much less than my current salary and still pay my rent, and I'm stuck in my lease because I was an idiot. I do keep looking for options for my eventual exit and they do give me some hope, but then I get the next phone call.

I strongly recommend going to HR and asking for a temporary leave or ask to go part-time like .7 FTE if that would help. Big bump on the first response on getting the doctor's note.

Have you told anyone at your firm that you feel overwhelmed and stressed and these feelings? As much as it may feel like nobody would care, believe me a lot of people have felt this way and would want to help you. For real Im sure ppl on TLS would throw some rent money your way bc we've all been there mentally. With remote work it can be hard to sense how people are feeling on the other side of the screen.

Please go to HR. Debt, career detours, none of it is ever worth harming yourself.

What market are you in? I’m looking to move soon since I’ve been crashing at my parents’ house for a few months. Maybe it might make sense to take over your lease?

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 30, 2021 12:15 am

I strongly recommend going to HR and asking for a temporary leave or ask to go part-time like .7 FTE if that would help. Big bump on the first response on getting the doctor's note.

Have you told anyone at your firm that you feel overwhelmed and stressed and these feelings? As much as it may feel like nobody would care, believe me a lot of people have felt this way and would want to help you. For real Im sure ppl on TLS would throw some rent money your way bc we've all been there mentally. With remote work it can be hard to sense how people are feeling on the other side of the screen.

Unfortunately, HR at this office is one person, and I don't know that she can do anything for me this early on (and she hasn't been that helpful thus far). The firm's manual does have a policy on part-time, but says it's only for fourth years and above.

I have told the head of my group that I've been feeling overwhelmed and struggling, but not with the amount of detail I did here. He agreed that I was overburdened but didn't really offer any solutions to addressing that.

I really didn't make this post to ask for money, although it's really nice of you to think that way. I mostly just wanted to ask for coping strategies and resources, and see if anyone had any ideas that I haven't considered yet. I keep telling myself that if I could work at a Taco Bell for a year in high school, I can do this, but this is somehow ten times WORSE than that.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 30, 2021 12:24 am

Please go to HR. Debt, career detours, none of it is ever worth harming yourself.

What market are you in? I’m looking to move soon since I’ve been crashing at my parents’ house for a few months. Maybe it might make sense to take over your lease?

I definitely know it's not worth harming myself. I desperately do not want to feel this way anymore. I wrestled depression once before and won, but I forgot how difficult it was.

HR at my firm is essentially nonexistent, from what I can tell. We have an office manager, but that's the closest thing I've been introduced to, and she hasn't been much help. I'm going to see if my assistant can point me toward "real" HR-- she seems to like me and may not gossip too much.

I'm in the big metroplex in north Texas that goes by "the big D." That's a very generous offer even if the location isn't feasible.

Sorry I don’t know how to quote anonymous. I’m the poster who is moving out of my parents’ house. I’m sorry I can help — I’m in the northeast.

Secretaries/assistants pride themselves (some of them at least) on being very discreet. It’s obviously hard to know who is who while working remotely. Try to find the right one and ask for help. I found one at my firm and she has helped move mountains.

Also, if you know you’re leaving, why not ask for time off? Take a long vacation over Memorial Day weekend and tack on a Friday and/or Tuesday. Same for July 4. Milestones to look forward to have always kept me going. Maybe it’ll be the same for you until you get through the next eight months.

Have you spoken with your landlord? Sometimes contracts don’t spell out ways to terminate but a landlord might say you can break the lease if you find someone to sublet or pay X months or something. Best of luck OP.

It's good that you've reached out to people on TLS - a lot of posters have already suggested good ideas and you should definitely try some of them. Please, please, please also reach out to somebody you know in real life for assistance, whether it be your boss, mentor, HR, parents, family, friends, etc.

Make your physical and mental health your #1 priority. Regardless of the financial and/or career costs, do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Don't let this stupid job win.

Wishing you all the best.

Get someone to take over your lease through an assignment. Pay them a few thousand if you have to.

Do you have anywhere to go if you quit and end your lease?

Pretend to be sick and take a few days or maybe even a week.

Nobody will question it. I have done this twice during remote work when I just can’t get a break and ppl aren’t respecting my “no”s.

Don’t give a shit enjoy the time off and don’t answer. Watch tv, SLEEP, eat food, read a book, etc.

But please please resist the urge and don’t work during that time — it’s meant for you to recover mentally physically and emotionally, not to catch up on work that will get done anyways.

I know you said the HR person in your office is just one unhelpful person, but if you're in big law there is almost definitely a larger HR apparatus. If you aren't sure who handles FMLA/personal issues, then just go straight to the boss of HR. If your firm has an intranet usually all of the HR resources are listed there - just pick a person and call, and they will connect you to the "right" person in HR.

No firm (no matter how cold or dysfunctional) wants an associate to be feeling this way, and even if you aren't technically eligible for FMLA big law firms are generally fine with absorbing extra costs so that an associate doesn't harm themselves. They will give you time off to get the help you need, no one is going to fire you for needing medical accommodations, and you can probably get enough help from the firm to make a bridge to when your lease is up.

Also, does your firm have an EAP (employee assistance program - it's like a medical insurance program that helps connect you with resources when you're struggling)? Call the EAP number and see if they can help you come up with a plan.

OP, I am very sorry you're having a hard time. Big law is rough, but it's not your fault for taking a chance on this opportunity. The good news is that big law is generally VERY well funded, and so you'll have access to resources you may not have had at the smaller firm - please take advantage of everything you can. That includes your assistant - ask your assistant to ask HR to call you, or to make an appointment with a doctor for you, whatever you need. I know most associates don't ask their assistants to handle personal matters for them, but partners do it all the time and you need all the help you can get.

Echoing the advice earlier in the thread. Please reach out to your broader firm-level HR department - directly to the Chief of HR if you are not sure where to go. I am in HR in BigLaw and believe there are resources and options available that you may not be aware of. They will keep your issues confidential while helping you get the support you need. Remember you are not alone and there are always options. Feel free to DM me if you would like.

OP I don't have advice (glad others do) but I'm in a very similar boat - you're not alone. Hang in there.

Anonymous User wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 30, 2021 4:18 am

Pretend to be sick and take a few days or maybe even a week.

Nobody will question it. I have done this twice during remote work when I just can’t get a break and ppl aren’t respecting my “no”s.

Don’t give a shit enjoy the time off and don’t answer. Watch tv, SLEEP, eat food, read a book, etc.

But please please resist the urge and don’t work during that time — it’s meant for you to recover mentally physically and emotionally, not to catch up on work that will get done anyways.

I wish I felt like this was possible. I got laughed at when I asked what the usual procedure was for if you were sick. I don't even know who I'd notify or if they'd care. Thank you for the advice, though.

papermateflair wrote: ↑

Tue Mar 30, 2021 10:03 am

I know you said the HR person in your office is just one unhelpful person, but if you're in big law there is almost definitely a larger HR apparatus. If you aren't sure who handles FMLA/personal issues, then just go straight to the boss of HR. If your firm has an intranet usually all of the HR resources are listed there - just pick a person and call, and they will connect you to the "right" person in HR.

No firm (no matter how cold or dysfunctional) wants an associate to be feeling this way, and even if you aren't technically eligible for FMLA big law firms are generally fine with absorbing extra costs so that an associate doesn't harm themselves. They will give you time off to get the help you need, no one is going to fire you for needing medical accommodations, and you can probably get enough help from the firm to make a bridge to when your lease is up.

Also, does your firm have an EAP (employee assistance program - it's like a medical insurance program that helps connect you with resources when you're struggling)? Call the EAP number and see if they can help you come up with a plan.

OP, I am very sorry you're having a hard time. Big law is rough, but it's not your fault for taking a chance on this opportunity. The good news is that big law is generally VERY well funded, and so you'll have access to resources you may not have had at the smaller firm - please take advantage of everything you can. That includes your assistant - ask your assistant to ask HR to call you, or to make an appointment with a doctor for you, whatever you need. I know most associates don't ask their assistants to handle personal matters for them, but partners do it all the time and you need all the help you can get.

I clicked around our intranet and there isn't an HR heading. I have asked my assistant to connect me with the right person and will look into the EAP program. Thank you.

Hey—you’re a first year who really isn’t that important to the firm. I’m not trying to be mean. I just want you to know you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. If you’re deadset on leaving by November, slow down, say NO to new assignments until your existing work levels out, and take a vacation. I know it seems like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders but the rest of the team will get on just fine without you and none of the crap you’re working on matters.