Is anyone else overwhelmingly depressed in biglaw? Forum

[Anonymous User]

Question in subject line - anyone else seriously depressed?

Strangely enough, my work product and hours have been great and so have my relationships with partners but the following factors have contributed to my depression:

- Not making any friends at the firm. Tbh, it feels like a toxic environment, with people badmouthing each other left and right. Morale seems low, with many associates overwhelmed with work and some associates underbilling. This isn't a great combo for creating an atmosphere of collegiality.
- Terrible partners I don't work with, but make my life unhappy (e.g. with microaggressions).
- Being overwhelmed with projects but getting little guidance from partners.
- Lack of diversity. I'm one of the only diverse associates around me. Scratch that, I'm one of the only diverse employees period.
- Lastly, personal/family issues that make it difficult for me to every truly "escape" from stress, even after work.

The only reason I haven't lateraled are the partner relationships I have - I truly have partners looking out for me and serving as my advocate, which feels like a "unicorn." Coupled with the fact that I'm a minority working in what feels like an old boys' club environment, I'm afraid to lateral and never find that partner advocate anywhere else.

I almost think if I quit, it'll be because I hated the people and the toxic environment, not because I hated the work or general busy-ness. Wondering how common my experience is among other juniors/mid-levels.

[JohnnieSockran]

Question in subject line - anyone else seriously depressed?

Strangely enough, my work product and hours have been great and so have my relationships with partners but the following factors have contributed to my depression:

- Not making any friends at the firm. Tbh, it feels like a toxic environment, with people badmouthing each other left and right. Morale seems low, with many associates overwhelmed with work and some associates underbilling. This isn't a great combo for creating an atmosphere of collegiality.
- Terrible partners I don't work with, but make my life unhappy (e.g. with microaggressions).
- Being overwhelmed with projects but getting little guidance from partners.
- Lack of diversity. I'm one of the only diverse associates around me. Scratch that, I'm one of the only diverse employees period.
- Lastly, personal/family issues that make it difficult for me to every truly "escape" from stress, even after work.

The only reason I haven't lateraled are the partner relationships I have - I truly have partners looking out for me and serving as my advocate, which feels like a "unicorn." Coupled with the fact that I'm a minority working in what feels like an old boys' club environment, I'm afraid to lateral and never find that partner advocate anywhere else.

I almost think if I quit, it'll be because I hated the people and the toxic environment, not because I hated the work or general busy-ness. Wondering how common my experience is among other juniors/mid-levels.

I can't necessarily relate to most of this, but I can tell you that so far I have generally been happy in biglaw.

It sounds like you could be someone that is decently happy doing biglaw work too, and I believe that you would be able to lateral to a place where you'd find new partner advocates, and a better/less toxic atmosphere. I have not lateralled before, but I work in a pretty great environment in terms of culture and quality of people, but you might get some guidance from other people on this forum that have lateralled, because I'm not sure how to look for the good culture in a couple of interviews, I think I may have gotten lucky and had the benefit of a full summer (when I was a SA).

If you are doing good work (which it sounds like you are), and you don't hate the stress and hours of biglaw (which it sounds like you don't, just the toxic environment you're in), then you are probably a good associate, and I don't think good associates come around every day, so I'm sure at the right firm you could find a better culture and also partner advocates.

[jacketyellow]

Question in subject line - anyone else seriously depressed?

Strangely enough, my work product and hours have been great and so have my relationships with partners but the following factors have contributed to my depression:

- Not making any friends at the firm. Tbh, it feels like a toxic environment, with people badmouthing each other left and right. Morale seems low, with many associates overwhelmed with work and some associates underbilling. This isn't a great combo for creating an atmosphere of collegiality.
- Terrible partners I don't work with, but make my life unhappy (e.g. with microaggressions).
- Being overwhelmed with projects but getting little guidance from partners.
- Lack of diversity. I'm one of the only diverse associates around me. Scratch that, I'm one of the only diverse employees period.
- Lastly, personal/family issues that make it difficult for me to every truly "escape" from stress, even after work.

The only reason I haven't lateraled are the partner relationships I have - I truly have partners looking out for me and serving as my advocate, which feels like a "unicorn." Coupled with the fact that I'm a minority working in what feels like an old boys' club environment, I'm afraid to lateral and never find that partner advocate anywhere else.

I almost think if I quit, it'll be because I hated the people and the toxic environment, not because I hated the work or general busy-ness. Wondering how common my experience is among other juniors/mid-levels.

Wow. Your experience sounds exactly like mine. I also work with terrible partners; I'm the only black associate in the building--yes, you heard me, in the BUILDING; and, I do feel that I don't get staffed on a lot of projects that my white counterpart does. As a result, I am seriously underbilling. I became supremely depressed. I considered quitting in January -- just 5 months after I started -- because I hated it so much. I even started to look around for other jobs. I applied to a lot of jobs. Then....

I got help. I started getting therapy and taking medicine. I am quite all right now. While I still hate the aspect of billing and having to scrounge around for assignments, I no longer feel the ultimate dread I used to feel. I am still interviewing at other places because I don't think biglaw is right for me. But, at least I don't feel as if I MUST leave NOW. Plus, it'll be a full year next month, so I'll have better bargaining power as to my salary. Hang in there. Maybe get in therapy. You'll be glad you did.

[Anonymous User]

Question in subject line - anyone else seriously depressed?

Strangely enough, my work product and hours have been great and so have my relationships with partners but the following factors have contributed to my depression:

- Not making any friends at the firm. Tbh, it feels like a toxic environment, with people badmouthing each other left and right. Morale seems low, with many associates overwhelmed with work and some associates underbilling. This isn't a great combo for creating an atmosphere of collegiality.
- Terrible partners I don't work with, but make my life unhappy (e.g. with microaggressions).
- Being overwhelmed with projects but getting little guidance from partners.
- Lack of diversity. I'm one of the only diverse associates around me. Scratch that, I'm one of the only diverse employees period.
- Lastly, personal/family issues that make it difficult for me to every truly "escape" from stress, even after work.

The only reason I haven't lateraled are the partner relationships I have - I truly have partners looking out for me and serving as my advocate, which feels like a "unicorn." Coupled with the fact that I'm a minority working in what feels like an old boys' club environment, I'm afraid to lateral and never find that partner advocate anywhere else.

I almost think if I quit, it'll be because I hated the people and the toxic environment, not because I hated the work or general busy-ness. Wondering how common my experience is among other juniors/mid-levels.

Wow. Your experience sounds exactly like mine. I also work with terrible partners; I'm the only black associate in the building--yes, you heard me, in the BUILDING; and, I do feel that I don't get staffed on a lot of projects that my white counterpart does. As a result, I am seriously underbilling. I became supremely depressed. I considered quitting in January -- just 5 months after I started -- because I hated it so much. I even started to look around for other jobs. I applied to a lot of jobs. Then....

I got help. I started getting therapy and taking medicine. I am quite all right now. While I still hate the aspect of billing and having to scrounge around for assignments, I no longer feel the ultimate dread I used to feel. I am still interviewing at other places because I don't think biglaw is right for me. But, at least I don't feel as if I MUST leave NOW. Plus, it'll be a full year next month, so I'll have better bargaining power as to my salary. Hang in there. Maybe get in therapy. You'll be glad you did.

OP here. I hear you - although I am not black I am also the only non-white associate in my practice group in my office.

My friends also recommend therapy but I worry it's a band aid solution, the root problem being a toxic environment.

[Anonymous User]

My friends also recommend therapy but I worry it's a band aid solution, the root problem being a toxic environment.

i seriously think you should consider doing both. What have you got to lose by seeking help? Good luck.

[Anonymous User]

So, I'm currently clerking, but I'll return to the firm soon as a rising fourth year. I'm also black, and was one of the only diverse people in my office. I can relate to a lot of what is being said. I thought the people could be toxic at times, I found some good mentors that I didn't want to give up, and I felt an immense amount of depression and frustration my first year.

For me, it turned around when I got my review. To my surprise, I received a glowing review from everyone, despite making a lot of mistakes my first year. I think this was due to always having a good attitude, even if I felt shitty on the inside, and meeting all deadlines, no matter what. After receiving the review, the job got better. I no longer felt any sort of imposter syndrome. I started to push back on unrealistic deadlines from people who tend to be harder to work with, and focused on working more with the good people. It was just less stressful during the second year. I'm sort of responding to a mixture of first year/minority problems.

In the end, biglaw is hard. It's on average a harder experience for minorities for a lot of reasons, in my opinion. But I think the first year is especially hard and it can get better. I thought about quitting so many times during my first year. And I was considered a very valued associate after I left for my clerkship after 2.5 years in. My advice, do your best work every time and never be lazy. If you've submitted your best work and someone finds a mistake, don't sweat it; learn from it and try not to make the same mistake twice. This includes everything from inserting the wrong caption to getting the law wrong. Lastly, if you find yourself working with toxic people, be assertive and find new people to work with. Who cares if you burn that bridge? If the alternative is leaving biglaw altogether, then, in the end, that bridge never mattered. And if you find yourself around toxic people, remove yourself from them. You don't have to go to firm happy hours where the shitalking inevitably happens. You don't even have to be friends with other associates. Hopefully, there are a couple of associates you can trust and bond with. But this doesn't have to be everyone at the associate level.

[Anonymous User]

Yes, biglaw is ridiculously white, it's the whitest employer on the planet. It's also probably not fair to minorities. This will depress you. What you need to do is to have a life outside of biglaw, so you see it for the ridiculous thing it is instead of having it consume you.