Conflict with same-year colleague Forum

[Anonymous User]

I and a peer are on a small pro bono matter together. I have not been pulling my weight; I've drafted things, reviewed things, etc. when asked but took no leadership on the matter. Other associate has done waaaaay more.

Said colleague is not happy. We never checked in with each other, and other person naturally took a more leadership role from the beginning. I was content to be the unofficial subordinate to this person but they saw it as arrogantly pawning off the work and treating them like a subordinate. Other person exploded on me saying that I shouldn't be on the matter and it's bullshit I get equal credit.

How the fuck do I unfuck this situation? I should have checked in and offered to shoulder more of the burden way earlier - I understand that this is largely all my fault. Ideally I want to chip in and make it right but person wants nothing to do with me. I could try to get off the matter but that would spark questions.

[kellyfrost]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

[foregetaboutdre]

I and a peer are on a small pro bono matter together. I have not been pulling my weight; I've drafted things, reviewed things, etc. when asked but took no leadership on the matter. Other associate has done waaaaay more.

Said colleague is not happy. We never checked in with each other, and other person naturally took a more leadership role from the beginning. I was content to be the unofficial subordinate to this person but they saw it as arrogantly pawning off the work and treating them like a subordinate. Other person exploded on me saying that I shouldn't be on the matter and it's bullshit I get equal credit.

How the fuck do I unfuck this situation? I should have checked in and offered to shoulder more of the burden way earlier - I understand that this is largely all my fault. Ideally I want to chip in and make it right but person wants nothing to do with me. I could try to get off the matter but that would spark questions.

Try to talk it out with them. If that doesn't work check in with HR. I'd be apprehensive going to HR as I don't think a lot good could come from that. But, if they are making you feel threatened etc... than yeah you kinda have to do it.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I don't have firm-specific advice, but have you told colleague what you said here? Maybe apologize, say you never meant to give the impression they have, and ask them what you can best do to make up for this? (I don't know exactly how credit works here, but I'm not sure what credit you're getting beyond the hours you actually put in.)

I mean, you probably should have checked in, but if peer took on the work without saying anything to you and then seethed in silence, I think a big part of that is on them. And wanting nothing to do with you over it just seems kind of weird.

And no, kf, it doesn't depend on gender. Stop.

[lakers180]

ya op, i'm not sure if others agree but i don't think you did anything wrong. if this coworker had an issue they should have resolved it like a normal person and asked you to help out more not flipped out

would just say sorry, offer to take on more of the project going forward, and move on

[star fox]

Tell her to calm down

[cheaptilts]

If you feel like it's largely your fault, it's probably largely your fault.

Just apologize, while showing that you understand why your colleague is mad (it seems like you do), and ask how you could possibly remedy the situation--whether it's disclaiming any credit for the success once to the interested partners/committee, doing more work, or whatever.

If your colleague doesn't want to even hear you out, then that's on them. But it should be obvious that you should be doing (or should have done) the above.

[Pokemon]

I think ignoring it must be your best choice but learn lesson for next time. People in biglaw get tense and forget about it and he is same year as you so he cannot really screw you over.

[sublime]

What does getting credit even mean in these circumstances?

[dabigchina]

Yeah I'm confused. Do people normally get this worked up about pro bono?

[Pokemon]

Yeah I'm confused. Do people normally get this worked up about pro bono?

Yes if they are juniors and think this shit matters.

[dixiecupdrinking]

Say sorry, explain what happened, and do more work. Don't OFFER to do more - that implies the other person is the custodian of the work and you're just helping. You need to just step up, anticipate what needs to be done, and do it. (And communicate that you're doing it.)

[Anonymous User]

OP here - appreciate the insight.

Good news is that there isn't much more work to do for the foreseeable future - we needed to get a filing together for a client and we just finalized it (OK, I finalized one document and other colleague did the other.... 5?).

I don't know what "getting credit" means in this situation because I literally don't talk to the partner or the mid-level on this case and in the rare circumstances I do it's always been in other colleague's presence and I talk them up because they are obviously in charge/running shit to anyone with half a brain.

Tried reaching out to talk via firm IM - no response despite them being listed as online and active so I am being ignored, and I'm not gonna keep pestering and take this into obsessive territory. I apologized without offering excuses, and asked if we could talk to figure out how to handle things going forward. Will let it go for now and hopefully it blows over but this is the first time I've had an... enemy? in a professional setting and it feels weird and shitty.

[dixiecupdrinking]

Don't sweat it too much. It's not a great move to let your colleague bear the brunt of the work on a project, but it's also on them to speak up if they're not happy with the arrangement. A simple "hey I'm really busy this week, can you handle this" would have don't the trick. Sounds like a lack of communication all around.

[ballouttacontrol]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

agreed.

OP seems like a guy, but the way I'd approach it def depends on the sex of the colleague

If it's a dude and they're not a complete weirdo, I'd try to grab a beer with them at HH or lunch or coffee or something and hash it through

I feel like you do need to tread a little lighter if it's a girl though, which it sounds like might be the case. if shes real pissed, don't want her to actually start gosipping or saying you're harassing her or something. if it's a chick tbh I'd probably just give her her space like you said. also important , is her reputation around the office more uptight, or do people think she's pretty chill?

[Npret]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

agreed.

OP seems like a guy, but the way I'd approach it def depends on the sex of the colleague

If it's a dude and they're not a complete weirdo, I'd try to grab a beer with them at HH or lunch or coffee or something and hash it through

I feel like you do need to tread a little lighter if it's a girl though, which it sounds like might be the case. if shes real pissed, don't want her to actually start gosipping or saying you're harassing her or something. if it's a chick tbh I'd probably just give her her space like you said

Maybe look at nonys post and stop being so sexist in how you approach people.
Dudes can not be complete weirdos and still not want to hash out issues with a lazy colleague over a beer. Dudes also gossip about colleagues that piss them off.

Women can be addressed by having a beer and hatching it out.

What the fuck century do you live in?
OP should approach the person as a fellow professional and colleague and try to create a mutual plan for moving forward with the project. You really don't want to be known as the person who doesn't share the load on a project. I don't know how this fits into the required pro bono hours - is that what the other person meant by credit?
I've seen many fights about credit when it comes to names on certain litigation. This isn't an unheard of issue.

[kellyfrost]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

agreed.

OP seems like a guy, but the way I'd approach it def depends on the sex of the colleague

If it's a dude and they're not a complete weirdo, I'd try to grab a beer with them at HH or lunch or coffee or something and hash it through

I feel like you do need to tread a little lighter if it's a girl though, which it sounds like might be the case. if shes real pissed, don't want her to actually start gosipping or saying you're harassing her or something. if it's a chick tbh I'd probably just give her her space like you said

Maybe look at nonys post and stop being so sexist in how you approach people.
Dudes can not be complete weirdos and still not want to hash out issues with a lazy colleague over a beer. Dudes also gossip about colleagues that piss them off.

Women can be addressed by having a beer and hatching it out.

What the fuck century do you live in?
OP should approach the person as a fellow professional and colleague and try to create a mutual plan for moving forward with the project. You really don't want to be known as the person who doesn't share the load on a project. I don't know how this fits into the required pro bono hours - is that what the other person meant by credit?
I've seen many fights about credit when it comes to names on certain litigation. This isn't an unheard of issue.

You make an automatic, incorrect, amd gigantic assumption that this is something negative.

It is simply a real life consideration that would be helpful for OP to take into consideration, male or female.

What century do I live in? My comment is, in no way a reactionary one. Jesus Christ. Quit trying to blow this up into something that it is not.

[FedFan123]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

agreed.

OP seems like a guy, but the way I'd approach it def depends on the sex of the colleague

If it's a dude and they're not a complete weirdo, I'd try to grab a beer with them at HH or lunch or coffee or something and hash it through

I feel like you do need to tread a little lighter if it's a girl though, which it sounds like might be the case. if shes real pissed, don't want her to actually start gosipping or saying you're harassing her or something. if it's a chick tbh I'd probably just give her her space like you said

Maybe look at nonys post and stop being so sexist in how you approach people.
Dudes can not be complete weirdos and still not want to hash out issues with a lazy colleague over a beer. Dudes also gossip about colleagues that piss them off.

Women can be addressed by having a beer and hatching it out.

What the fuck century do you live in?
OP should approach the person as a fellow professional and colleague and try to create a mutual plan for moving forward with the project. You really don't want to be known as the person who doesn't share the load on a project. I don't know how this fits into the required pro bono hours - is that what the other person meant by credit?
I've seen many fights about credit when it comes to names on certain litigation. This isn't an unheard of issue.

You make an automatic, incorrect, amd gigantic assumption that this is something negative.

It is simply a real life consideration that would be helpful for OP to take into consideration, male or female.

What century do I live in? My comment is, in no way a reactionary one. Jesus Christ. Quit trying to blow this up into something that it is not.

I think Kelly Frost is the weirdest dude on this forum, but in this case I agree with him and ball. I would approach it from the same angle just to play it safe

[Pokemon]

Yeah, if it a female and both heterosexual, it might also be a sign of sexual tension built up. No but seriously I would just ignore it. Be nice going forward and try to pick up your slack if you see the opportunity but this is not something I would care that much about.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Is colleague male or female? Seriously, the answer to this question depends upon gender.

agreed.

OP seems like a guy, but the way I'd approach it def depends on the sex of the colleague

If it's a dude and they're not a complete weirdo, I'd try to grab a beer with them at HH or lunch or coffee or something and hash it through

I feel like you do need to tread a little lighter if it's a girl though, which it sounds like might be the case. if shes real pissed, don't want her to actually start gosipping or saying you're harassing her or something. if it's a chick tbh I'd probably just give her her space like you said

Maybe look at nonys post and stop being so sexist in how you approach people.
Dudes can not be complete weirdos and still not want to hash out issues with a lazy colleague over a beer. Dudes also gossip about colleagues that piss them off.

Women can be addressed by having a beer and hatching it out.

What the fuck century do you live in?
OP should approach the person as a fellow professional and colleague and try to create a mutual plan for moving forward with the project. You really don't want to be known as the person who doesn't share the load on a project. I don't know how this fits into the required pro bono hours - is that what the other person meant by credit?
I've seen many fights about credit when it comes to names on certain litigation. This isn't an unheard of issue.

You make an automatic, incorrect, amd gigantic assumption that this is something negative.

It is simply a real life consideration that would be helpful for OP to take into consideration, male or female.

What century do I live in? My comment is, in no way a reactionary one. Jesus Christ. Quit trying to blow this up into something that it is not.

How about deal with the actual human being in front of you, based on your knowledge of their personality and quirks and preferences, and don't make asinine assumptions that someone's gender determines how they're going to respond to this. Because yes, it absolutely is negative and hugely reactionary to assume you should handle men one way and women another.

(The people who think that matters don't even know what gender the OP is. Come on.)

[lavarman84]

Relax, Nony. You're acting crazy.

That is one example of a comment that a woman and a chill, sociable bro would react differently to a person saying.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Relax, Nony. You're acting crazy.

That is one example of a comment that a woman and a chill, sociable bro would react differently to a person saying.

Really not sure what your point is here.

[lavarman84]

Relax, Nony. You're acting crazy.

That is one example of a comment that a woman and a chill, sociable bro would react differently to a person saying.

Really not sure what your point is here.

[Npret]

Relax, Nony. You're acting crazy.

That is one example of a comment that a woman and a chill, sociable bro would react differently to a person saying.

I feel sorry for the women around you and I'm not surprised they react so negatively to you.

[lavarman84]

Relax, Nony. You're acting crazy.

That is one example of a comment that a woman and a chill, sociable bro would react differently to a person saying.

I feel sorry for the women around you and I'm not surprised they react so negatively to you.

Women are just too emotional. It's why I surround myself with dudes. They're chill. When you have problems, you solve them like a man.