Top Law Schools

Honestly, I know nothing about firms (this is probably really bad), and I have no idea how I should allocate my bids or what the best case/worst case scenarios for me are. Halp plz?

You are a lock for something. Chicago, NYC, St. Louis, and wherever else you want, but mostly Chicago.

Bid all the way up your list. Top 5% at a peer school, have interviews with V10-ish firms all the way down (not flame, they're through an off-campus job fair). Sky's the limit, man. Don't be too conservative, you're more likely to get interviews at firms with huge summer classes. Have some safeties, but shoot high.

Best case is probably Kirkland or Skadden.
Worst case is that you're the worst interviewer ever, strike out, and have to gun for a federal clerkship or something.

OP here. Out of curiosity, how bad of an interviewer would I have to be to strike out? I'm a pretty quiet, laid-back person. I don't come off as a douche bag, at least I hope, but I don't think I'm very charismatic.

A lot of it isn't about how good or bad of an interviewer you are. Coming from Columbia, some of the weirdest and most socially awkward people that I've met in my life are going to V20 firms. Also, some of the people that I know who struck out were pretty cool/normal people with medianish grades that just didn't bid well or for whom things just didn't work out. The OCI process is a lot more random than I think most firms and people who land SA positions would like to admit. Whether you get an offer after your callbacks can really just come down to what people the firm selected for you to meet during your callback. Similarly, whether you even get a callback or not can come down to whether your OCI interviewer drank his/her cup of coffee before vs. after interviewing with you.

That said, you definitely have the credentials to make Biglaw a realistic possibility. Bid on firms with large summer classes in NYC and Chicago and stay out of the V10. I think that you will, more likely than not, end up with something.