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is this necessary/ appropriate? thank you!


In Spring 2010, the spring semester of my freshman year my academic performance was notably terrible. I withdrew from a course and received a D minus in a required, four credit economics course. I take full responsibility for my poor academic performance this semester, but upon reflection, I acknowledge the external factors that affected me during this time. During this semester my parents were in the process of divorcing, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly and my mom was coping with mental illness. I felt responsible for the divorce and for giving emotional support to my mom and family. I travelled home to New Jersey as much as I could to be with my two younger brothers during this time. Undeniably, I was in over my head and struggling emotionally. My focus was not on my schoolwork and my grades reflected this.

The following year I retook Economics 200 and received a B plus, a mark more characteristic of my abilities as a student. My grades have a strong upward trend, as I have achieved almost all A’s in my most recent grading periods. I look forward to continuing this trend of high academic achievement in law school.

zoomzoom88 wrote:In Spring 2010

the spring semester

You don't say!

Could probably use a rewrite, like:

In Spring 2010, the spring semester of my freshman year my academic performance was notably terrible substandard. I withdrew from a course and received a D minus in a required, four credit economics course. I take full responsibility for my poor academic performance this semester, but upon reflection, I acknowledge the external factors that affected me during this time. During this time, my parents were in the process of divorcing, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly, and my mom mother was coping with mental illness. I felt responsible for the divorce and for giving emotional support to my mom and family. I travelled home to New Jersey as much as I could to be with my two younger brothers, during this time and as might be expected, these events took an emotional toll on me. Undeniably, I was in over my head and struggling emotionally. My focus was not on my schoolwork and my grades reflected this.

The following year, I retook Economics 200 and received a B plus, a mark more characteristic of my abilities as a student. My grades have a strong upward trend, as I have achieved almost all A’s in my most recent grading periods. I look forward to continuing this trend of high academic achievement in law school.

tabula rasa wrote:

zoomzoom88 wrote:In Spring 2010

the spring semester

You don't say!

Could probably use a rewrite, like:

In Spring 2010, the spring semester of my freshman year my academic performance was notably terrible substandard. I withdrew from a course and received a D minus in a required, four credit economics course. I take full responsibility for my poor academic performance this semester, but upon reflection, I acknowledge the external factors that affected me during this time. During this time, my parents were in the process of divorcing, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly, and my mom mother was coping with mental illness. I felt responsible for the divorce and for giving emotional support to my mom and family. I travelled home to New Jersey as much as I could to be with my two younger brothers, during this time and as might be expected, these events took an emotional toll on me. Undeniably, I was in over my head and struggling emotionally. My focus was not on my schoolwork and my grades reflected this.

The following year, I retook Economics 200 and received a B plus, a mark more characteristic of my abilities as a student. My grades have a strong upward trend, as I have achieved almost all A’s in my most recent grading periods. I look forward to continuing this trend of high academic achievement in law school.

These are really really good edits.

zoomzoom88 wrote:is this necessary/ appropriate? thank you!

To throw a second voice in, yes, it's appropriate. It won't make a huge difference, but it's a legitimate explanatory essay.

However, as the other poster mentioned, it definitely needs editing.

can't thank you enough. will make the changes