ADDENDUM - please critique and help Forum

[k1448317]

Hey all -

Can I please get feedback on this addendum? I was placed on academic probation during my freshman year.

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There are a few areas on my transcripts I would like to clarify. During the fall semester of my freshman year at Florida State University a pre-cancerous spot was found on my mother’s ovaries, she had to have a total hysterectomy. The doctor’s thought this necessary due to my grandmother having just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer at that time. Also during that semester, my Great-grandmother was hospitalized for two weeks due to severe pneumonia. I began traveling home almost every weekend. During this time my grades severely suffered.
As a result of my failing grades, Florida State placed me on academic probation. However, after that semester I made the decision to transfer to a college closer to home. As a result of not completing the necessary credit hours my Florida Bright Future’s Medallion Scholarship was forfeited, however I was able to later appeal this, and after raising my grades and continual success, was granted a reinstatement of the scholarship.
In August of 2007 a best friend died suddenly in their sleep. The shock I felt from this death, caused me to re-evaluate my choices. I withdrew from my classes that semester and switched my major to psychology and law.
I was able to overcome and conquer the changes and strife going on in my life during those times. My best friend’s death made me realize that life is short, and gave me the drive I needed to become successful. My success in later college years is a much clearer picture of my potential for law school.

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Thanks so much for the help!

[CanadianWolf]

Too long & too many details.

[k1448317]

I figured as I began critiquing it. I edited my post with the newer version.

[crumpetsandtea]

There are a few areas on my transcripts I would like to clarify. During the fall semester of my freshman year at Florida State University a pre-cancerous spot was found on my mother’s ovaries, she had to have a total hysterectomy. The doctor’s thought this necessary due to my. Because my grandmother having just been had recently been diagnosed with ovarian cancerat that time, the doctor recommended that my mother have a total hysterectomy. Also during that semester, my Great-grandmother was hospitalized for two weeks due to severe pneumonia. I began traveling home almost every weekend WHY???? explain what you were doing. During this time my grades severely suffered WHY? couldn't you have worked on your studies from home?.
As a result of my failing grades, Florida State placed me on academic probation. However, after that semester I made the decision to transfer to a college closer to home. As a result of not completing the necessary credit hours my Florida Bright Future’s Medallion Scholarship was forfeited, however I was able to later appeal this, and after raising my grades and continual success, was granted a reinstatement of the scholarship.
Then, in August of 2007 a my best friend died suddenly in their STATE THEIR GENDER: his/her sleep. The shock I felt from this his/her death, caused me to re-evaluate my choices <--wtf does this even mean? restate it in a clearer way. I withdrew from my classes that semester and switched my major to psychology and law. Does this have anything to do with your grades? If not, cut it. If so, explain why/how/
I was able to overcome and conquer the changes and strife going on in my life during those times by.... My best friend’s death made me realize that life is short, and gave me the drive I needed to become successful. My success in later college years is a much clearer picture of my potential for law school.

I hate to say this bro, but you're kind of a terrible writer. There were a lot of grammatical mistakes in this addendum. Also, you want it to be short and sweet. Edits above.

[k1448317]

First of all... I'm not a "bro," I'm a woman.

Second, thanks for the edits. I wasn't really looking for grammar, just content. Two birds, one stone, I guess.

[crumpetsandtea]

First of all... I'm not a "bro," I'm a woman.

Second, thanks for the edits. I wasn't really looking for grammar, just content. Two birds, one stone, I guess.

Why do people get so tetchy about that? It's just a saying, like "hey man" or "whats up guys". and NP on the edits.

[k1448317]

Personally, I just consider that something you say to a guy. I wouldn't want some to walk up to me and call me bro in person either.

[89vision]

A little long, too much detail. I think it's a pretty crazy story. I tend to question stories like that. I also see a lot of people with similar issues do well. I think most people have dealt with a death in the family of health issue during college, it sounds, to me, a little much. I've had multiple deaths in the family the past few years, had to go home to deal with things, yada yada yada, and I think most people do. It sounds like you're making excuses, and the best friends death doesn't appear to be connected with your grades. The bf's death sounds like a personal statement topic, not an addendum.

But that's just my perspective. So many people on here cite deaths in the family and major health issues in their posts, and it's a little alarming.

[k1448317]

I can understand that. I have documentation for everything if they question it. I could make note of that in the last sentence.

[crumpetsandtea]

I can understand that. I have documentation for everything if they question it. I could make note of that in the last sentence.

lol do not mention that in your addendum.