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scholarship supplemental form essay
Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:50 pm
by justadude55
thanks for the tips. deleted for privacy reasons.
Re: scholarship supplemental form essay
Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 12:47 am
by JJDancer
It doesn't stink but I also don't think its "totally awesome" yet.
"Even if I have a closet of Armani suits, beachfront property and a loving family, I will not be happy if I cannot aid those who find themselves wronged, because of something I struggled so dearly to overcome.
It is not my intent to be a public defender. Despite the fact, I am not a very materialistic man, my family is counting on me to provide for my three younger sisters, and I would like to have a wonderfully well-educated family down the road. I need to achieve a certain standard of success, but only need so much."
That part needs re-writing imho.
the Armani suits etc thing doesn't come off right.
Also you go from not intending to be a PD and then somehow mentioning that "despite that" you want a wonderfully educated family. (I get that you didn't mean to link those two concepts - only the not materialistic part but yeah I think this portion needs re-working.)
Re: scholarship supplemental form essay
Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 8:54 am
by justadude55
JJDancer wrote:It doesn't stink but I also don't think its "totally awesome" yet.
"Even if I have a closet of Armani suits, beachfront property and a loving family, I will not be happy if I cannot aid those who find themselves wronged, because of something I struggled so dearly to overcome.
It is not my intent to be a public defender. Despite the fact, I am not a very materialistic man, my family is counting on me to provide for my three younger sisters, and I would like to have a wonderfully well-educated family down the road. I need to achieve a certain standard of success, but only need so much."
That part needs re-writing imho.
the Armani suits etc thing doesn't come off right.
Also you go from not intending to be a PD and then somehow mentioning that "despite that" you want a wonderfully educated family. (I get that you didn't mean to link those two concepts - only the not materialistic part but yeah I think this portion needs re-working.)
good call on the reworking. i was much more into it when i was writing the 1st 500 words than the 2nd. thank you so much for taking the time to read my drivel.